Chained To Fate
by Shoshanna33
Summary: Set in season 6. Buffy finds herself growing closer to Spike and fears she is losing herself in the process.
1. I Alone Love You

**Authors note: This is a story I wrote a long time ago and used to have at my website. The website no longer exists so I'm posting some of my stories here. Enjoy them!**

Disclaimer: I own nothing here. Joss owns it. I just borrow, so please don't sue me.

Author's Note: This is the beginning of a series called, **Chained To Fate. **I'm not sure how long it's going to be yet. I'm just going with the flow. The title's **Chained To Fate** and **I Alone Love You** are from the song "I Alone" by Live. This is NOT a song fic however. So don't run away if you hate those! J I just like the way it sounds and it fits the mood of the story.

Summary: (This story takes place after **Older and Far Away**, so if you haven't seen it yet and don't want to be spoiled, you should wait.) Buffy and Spike slip further into the world they've created together. Buffy's resolve is weakening. But when their relationship begins to take an intense turn, she worries that she may be losing herself to him. The question is, does she want to be found?

Rating: NC-17

Chained To Fate

I Alone Love You…

~I alone love you, I alone tempt you,

I alone love you, fear is not the end of this…~ LIVE

Buffy stood in her room throwing her weapons into her bag. She was getting ready to head out and investigate a demon cult that had apparently been spotted in town. Spike had actually been the one to tell her about it. She still had a hard time grasping that. He was a demon himself, and yet he managed to tip her off to the evil doings around town. She supposed it was useful sometimes that he still had friends in demon places.

She was supposed to meet him at his crypt and they were going to check out the spot where the demons were living. Spike had heard that there was some sort of ritual sacrifice that was going to take place. He didn't really know anything about it, and Buffy didn't really care. She just knew it was her job to stop it from happening.

She walked downstairs with her bag over her shoulder, and a battle axe in her hand. When she got into the living room, she saw Dawn sitting on the couch.

"Big night of slayage? You have a mini arsenal with you." Dawn pointed out.

"Looks like. Spike says they are some evil nasties down by the docks. We're gonna drop by for a visit." Buffy told her sister.

"Be careful. It sounds kinda dangerous." Dawn worried.

"I'm always careful. Is Janice's mom coming to pick you up soon?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah. She said she'd be here in a half hour. I'm so excited to see this movie tonight. It's got all the cute guys in it. Janice and I will probably be up all night just talking about it." Dawn smiled.

"Well, have fun and be good. I don't wanna find out that you guys were running around town causing trouble again. And no stealing. Or parking with vampires at lovers lane." Buffy said with a serious look.

"Relax, Buffy. I totally learned my lesson. I'm over my klepto phase. And I know it's not cool to make out with vampires. Been there, done that." Dawn assured her.

Buffy just looked at her and felt instantly guilty. Here she was telling Dawn to be a good, sweet girl and she was out killing things and having wild sex with a soulless vampire every night. Not exactly a pillar of virtue. And definitely not a role model.

"Right. That kind of stuff only leads to badness." Buffy said guiltily.

Dawn didn't notice Buffy's guilt and just smiled at her.

"Go save the world from whatever. I'll see you tomorrow." Dawn told her.

Buffy gave her a quick hug and headed out the door. She was lost in thought the entire walk to Spike's crypt. She had so much weirdness in her life right now, that she just couldn't make sense of it all. She had felt different ever since she'd come back. She didn't know what was different. But once Spike had told her she came back wrong, everything started to make a little sense. At least there seemed to be an explanation for her strangeness. She was wrong. Some kind of freak. Maybe not even human anymore.

Oddly enough, that comforted her. At least she could explain why she was feeling this way, and why she was so drawn to Spike. She was wrong. She wasn't really Buffy. But that theory had been blown out of the water when Tara informed her that nothing was wrong with her. Only that wasn't really true. Something _was_ wrong. She didn't even recognize herself anymore.

She had all these feelings and urges that she couldn't contain. There was this rage inside her that she couldn't control at times. Spike had been the one unfortunate enough to bear the brunt of that rage. She had flipped out on him and beat the crap out of him. She was trying to blame all her problems on him. And he just stood there and took it. He didn't even fight back.

Part of her was almost hoping that he would snap, and just kill her. Put her out of her misery and stop this madness that she was feeling. But he didn't. He just let her unleash. And when it was over, she was horrified at what she'd done. She had called Spike the evil monster, but she had been the monster that night. That was the instant that she really knew she had to be wrong.

Buffy would never do something like that. That was the only salvation she had to cling to. The real Buffy would never hurt someone like that. Not someone who wasn't even fighting back. And not someone who loved her. Finding out that there was no sinister explanation for her madness, had shattered her. This was really happening. Everything she felt and everything she had done was real. She still didn't understand it and it frightened her to even contemplate it.

She walked up to Spike's door and opened it. He was waiting inside for her.

"Thought you weren't coming." He told her.

"Sorry. I got held up. I was looking for this." She said holding up her battle axe.

"You misplaced that? It's not like it's the remote control or anything." He said with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah. I just forgot where I hid it. I only bring this bad boy out when I know I'm gonna need it." She explained.

"Well, lets get going. Element of surprise and all that. At this rate they're probably all sacrificed out and having cocktails by now." He said, grabbing her bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

She sighed and just followed him out the door. They walked silently through the cemetery on their way to the waterfront. Buffy had her axe slung over her shoulder and Spike looked over at her.

"You realize that you're not very inconspicuous walking down the street with that thing over your shoulder, don't you?" He told her with amusement.

"It's not like anyone in Sunnydale would even notice. They see all kinds of crazy stuff. This is nothing. Besides, where else would I carry it? It's not like I can just stuff something that big in my pants." She pointed out, not realizing how naughty that sounded.

Spike smirked and couldn't let that comment slip by.

"That's not what you said last night." He said suggestively.

"Oh god. You're so gross. Is that all you can think about?" She said making a disgusted face at him.

"Oh come on. You left that one wide open." He laughed at her.

"And you just had slip in— Okay, poor choice of words. You know what? Let's just stop talking." She said shaking her head.

It was no use. Everything she said was going to sound sexual now. And of course that was all she was thinking about now too. She hated how he could do that to her.

He just smirked at her and they kept walking. Finally they reached the spot where the demons were supposed to be. It was an old warehouse that was boarded up and dilapidated. There was a small window that was located high above them. Neither one of them were tall enough to look inside.

"We need to find something to stand on. I don't wanna come crashing in here and be surprised with a hundred angry demons. We need to see what we're up against." Buffy told Spike as she walked around to the side of the building, looking for a crate to stand on.

"How about this?" Spike pointed to a large wooden freight box, lying by the dock.

They went over and tried to move it but it wouldn't budge.

"What the hell is in here? Lead weights?" Spike muttered as he tried to shove the box.

Buffy pulled the lid up and saw that it was filled with boat anchors. She sighed.

"Lead weights pretty much sum it up. We can't move this. It's too heavy." She said irritated.

She walked back over to the where the window was and Spike followed her. She laid her axe down on the ground and looked at Spike.

"Boost me up. I'm gonna see what's inside." She told him.

He put the bag of weapons down and bent down to make a scoop with his hands. Buffy stepped on them and he tried to lift her up. He still couldn't get enough leverage to get her to the window. She jumped down and looked at him.

"You know, you're awfully short." She said growing impatient with this adventure.

"Hey! I'm not short. Just because I'm not a huge bulking mass like Angel…" He said wounded.

"Well, whatever. I still can't reach." She groaned. Then she looked at him. "Get on your knees." She said quickly.

"Well alright, love. But are you sure this is the right time for that?" He said as he knelt down in front her. He reached out and ran his hand up her inner thigh, until she swatted him away.

"Stop that! That's not what I meant. I'm climbing onto your shoulders and you can lift me up." She said giving him an incredulous look.

He let her climb onto his back and then stood up with her on his shoulders. He couldn't help but become overly excited at the feel of her heat across the back of his neck. It was distracting.

Buffy managed to grip the window ledge and pull herself up to peek in the window. She saw a bunch of shipping crates and a couple of old couches. But no demons. Not even one.

"There's no one in here!" She said irritated.

"What? There has to be."

"Are you sure this is the place?" She asked.

"Yes, I'm sure."

Just then a large, scaly demon walked up behind them. He saw them spying into the window and smiled. He came up behind Spike and punched him in the back. Spike lurched forward and Buffy came tumbling down on top of him.

Before either one could get themselves oriented, the demon struck another blow, this time kicking Buffy in the face. She reeled back and hit the side of the building. Spike jumped up and faced their attacker. He then realized that their weapons were lying next to the demons feet, out of his reach.

"Now, that wasn't very nice mate." Spike said as he lunged for the demon, knocking him backwards onto the pavement.

Buffy managed to get herself up off the ground and scrambled to get hold of her axe. Before she could grab it, another demon came up behind her and kicked her in the back. She fell to the ground again, face first and felt her lip split open from the force. She turned her head and looked up at the demon who was quickly descending upon her. She flipped around and kicked him away, as she sprang to her feet.

Spike was struggling with the other demon and took a hard hit to his face, which sent him flying backwards. The demon reached down and grabbed Buffy's axe. He charged at Spike, who was attempting to get to his feet. Buffy saw what was happening and tackled the demon to the ground.

She tried to wrestle her weapon out of his grasp, but he only tossed her away from him effortlessly. She crashed into Spike who had finally gotten to his feet. This sent them both hurtling into the side of the building.

They looked up and saw that the demons were both looming over them. For an instant Buffy feared that this was going to be the end, until one of the demons spoke.

"You're too late. They've gone ahead to the sacred spot. You can't stop this ritual. Preparations are already in order. In two days time, we will own this town." He told them sinisterly.

Just as Buffy was getting ready to jump to her feet once again, the demons turned around and ran off, taking Buffy's axe with them.

She called out to the departing demons.

"Hey! That's my special occasion axe!" She shouted angrily.

She stood to her feet and looked down at Spike who was attempting to get up for a third time.

"Can you believe that? They stole my axe!" She said disbelieving.

"Pet, shouldn't you be a little more worried about the ritual?" He asked shaking his head.

"Well, yeah. I guess. But that was my favorite weapon. Giles gave that to me." She pouted.

"Come on. Let's get out of here." He said picking up her bag off the ground.

They set off walking towards Spike's crypt. They reached it quickly and walked inside. Buffy sat down on his couch and sighed.

"This just sucks. Not only are these demons planning on taking over Sunnydale with some ritual that I know nothing about, they're thieves too." She told him.

"They're demons, Buffy. Evil? Nasty? Remember?" He pointed out.

"Yes, I remember. It's just…I was hoping for something easy. Preferably with closure. Now we don't even know where they are anymore."

He sat down next to her and noticed that she still had some blood trickling out of the corner of her mouth, from when her face had smashed into the ground.

"You alright?" He asked, pointing to her lip.

She reached up and touched her mouth and came away with blood tinged fingers.

"Great. I didn't even realize it was still bleeding. Do you have a mirror— Wait, guess you wouldn't, would you?" She said with a small smile.

"No, I don't have much need for one." He smiled back.

She reached up and attempted to wipe away the blood with the back of her sleeve, but he caught her arm. She looked at him strangely.

"Let me get that for you." He purred softly, as he leaned over and traced his tongue along her chin, and up to her mouth.

The sweet, coppery taste of her blood was intoxicating. She closed her eyes and felt herself growing warm at the feel of his tongue tracing the outline of her lips.

"What are you doing?" She whispered breathily, uncomfortable at how completely turned on she was by this.

"No sense in letting it go to waste. I am a vampire, remember?" He told her seductively.

She drew in a sharp breath and then took his face in her hands. She kissed him forcefully. In what seemed like an instant, he was on top of her, pressing her back into the couch cushions. Her hand immediately went for his zipper and she urgently tried to free him. She was desperate for him.

His hands slid under her shirt. He began to caress her breasts, as their kisses grew in intensity. At some point, the cut she had on her lip had opened up again, and it began to bleed even more. Buffy didn't even notice until they broke their kiss, and saw that Spike had blood on his lips.

She was a little shocked. She started to tell him to stop, but he began kissing her neck, while his hands were undoing her pants. She was completely lost in the moment, and didn't care about anything else but having him. She laid back and let him undress her. She reached up and pulled his shirt off. His pants were already undone, so all he had to do was slip them off and toss them aside.

He returned his lips to hers, and his tongue explored her mouth. Traces of her blood were still lingering, and he gently sucked on her bottom lip. Her hands were caressing him and she wanted so badly to have him inside her. She didn't want to wait.

"Now." She murmured into his kiss.

He pulled back and began nibbling on her earlobe.

"Not yet." He whispered.

She closed her eyes again, and relished the things he was making her feel. His lips moved down her neck and she felt him nibbling on her tender flesh as he made his way down to her breasts. She drew in a sharp breath as she felt him suck one of her nipples into his mouth. She clutched at his head, and pressed him down harder against her chest.

Suddenly she felt a twinge of pain and she cried out softly.

"Ow. What are you doing?" She asked breathlessly.

"What?" He asked curiously.

"Are you biting me?"

"You don't like it?" He asked, as traced circles around her nipples with his fingertips.

"It hurt." She told him softly.

"But in a good way, right?" He asked giving her one of his best smoldering looks.

"I don't know." She whispered guiltily.

She knew that she had bitten him lots of times. She couldn't help herself. But he had never really done that to her. She tried to tell herself that he was the one who liked that, not her.

"Maybe we should try it again?" He said, as he bent down and nibbled on her gently.

She couldn't help but moan at the incredible sensation. He took that cue to mean that she was quite into what he was doing, and he began to be more forceful with her. She arched her back and whimpered softly at the feel of his teeth. His hand moved between her thighs and he began caressing her. He could tell that she was wild with need for him.

He kissed and nibbled his way down her stomach until he reached her center. He was still stroking her gently with one hand, and with his other, he pushed her knees farther apart. He slid his fingers inside of her and began licking across her burning flesh. She cried out as she felt his tongue drinking in her sweetness.

"Oh Spike…" She moaned, as she tried to press herself against his mouth harder.

And again, she felt his teeth against her flesh. This time even more intense sensations electrified her body. She couldn't lay still and clamped her legs tightly around his head. With his free hand, he pushed them apart again to give himself more room. He held her leg firmly to the side, and he could feel her struggling in ecstasy to move it.

Finally, she couldn't hold on any longer. Her body tensed and she began gasping for breath. She was rocked with powerful spasms, and she felt herself biting her own lip again to stifle her cries.

When he sensed she was beginning to relax, he pulled back and looked at her. She was panting and her eyes were closed as she tried to recover from her powerful climax. He took that opportunity to position himself and thrust deeply into her already throbbing heat.

She gasped out, taken totally by surprise by his entrance. She hadn't even had a moment to regain her senses, and he was already taking them to the limit again. He leaned down and began sucking and biting at her nipples as he thrust into her. She felt like she was floating, and not even part of her body anymore. She was just a giant nerve ending. Every part of her body was on fire.

She grabbed his hair and yanked his head up to meet her mouth again. He kissed her hard, and could still taste blood. Their kisses refused to let her lip heal quickly. She didn't care though. She felt him press her legs back so that he could move deeper inside of her. The feeling made her shudder, and she found herself biting down on his lip as he kissed her.

She tasted blood, but she didn't know if it was hers or his. It didn't matter. She wanted to consume him just as badly as he wanted to consume her. She sucked at his lower lip and he quickened his thrusts. She ran her hands over his back, and dug her nails into him. He winced, but only became more determined. He grabbed her arms and pinned them over her head, so she couldn't do anything but lie there.

"No fair." She said breathlessly.

"More fun." He said with a fiery glance as he kissed her again.

Finally, it was too much for either of them to take. She felt herself coming again and she tried to free her arms. But he was holding them too tightly. She began to quake and he felt her walls tighten around him. He released her arms as he began to fall over that edge with her. Her hands went to his chest, and dug her nails into him again, leaving a trail of scratches across his skin.

He collapsed on top of her, panting for air that he didn't even need. Finally, he lifted his head to look at her. He had blood on his lips again, this time it was his own. She reached up and wiped it away. He grabbed her wrist, and held her hand in front of her.

"Taste it." He told her.

"What?"

"Taste it."

"I don't want to." She protested.

"You were kissing me, weren't you? Taste it." He stated again, this time more firmly.

She knew that she had already tasted it, but before she couldn't tell if it was her own. It was all mixed together. This just seemed weird. But he held his gaze, and she cautiously snaked her tongue out and tasted the blood on the tip of her fingers.

"There. Happy?" She asked, trying not give away how excited and freaked out she was at the same time.

"All of it." He commanded her.

For some reason, she obeyed him. She licked his blood off her fingers, then looked at him.

"I'm in you now." He told her huskily.

"You've already been in me. Lots of times." She said, with a small smile.

"I'm serious, Buffy. I'm part of you now." He said seriously.

She looked at him and said nothing. She felt an involuntary tingle go through her body at his words. They scared her and excited her at the same time.

"No you're not." She protested softly.

"I've tasted you, and now you've tasted me. We belong to each other."

"I don't belong to you, Spike. This is stupid. Get off of me." She said trying to shove him away from her.

He grabbed her wrists again and pinned her arms above her head.

"You can't run away from this, Buffy. This is real. This is you. This is us. I know you feel it. I saw the way you got off on the things we do. You're mine." He told her seriously, as he leaned down and kissed her neck softly.

She wanted to push him off of her and run out the door. The things he was saying were frightening her. Mostly because she felt the truth behind his words. She'd never experienced anything as intense as what she experienced with him. Especially tonight. No one else could make her feel the way he had made her feel.

She had done things with him, that she never even knew she wanted to do before. She let him hurt her, and she tasted his blood. It was sick. She hated herself for it, but she couldn't stop. She didn't want to stop.

"Spike…Don't." She told him as she tried to free her arms.

"You really want to leave?"

She looked at him and had every intention of saying yes, and running out of there while she still had some semblance of herself. But her words came out wrong.

"No." She whispered.

He released her arms again, and lay his head down on her chest. She was breathing heavily, and he stroked her arm softly.

"I love you." He said, not looking up at her.

She remained silent. She had no idea how she felt. She insisted it wasn't love, but it was definitely something. Something scary. Something so big, that neither one of them had control over it.

The next day, Buffy sat at the Magic Box with Willow. Luckily Buffy had the day off, and Willow had no classes because it was Saturday. They were trying to figure out what sort of demons Buffy and Spike had run into last night.

"Wow. They sound awful." Willow said shaking her head.

"They were. I mean, come on, that axe was a gift and they just took it? Unbelievable." Buffy said, still ranting over her lost weapon.

"That does suck. Poor Buffy. You'll get it back." Willow patted her arm sympathetically.

"Remember that time when those vampires stole all my stuff? This is just like that. Well, sort of. I mean, at least he didn't run off with my diary." Buffy sighed.

"Wait, look. I found something. Is this the demon?" Willow interrupted excitedly, as she shoved the book over at Buffy.

"That's him. All big and scaly."

"It says here that this is a Carmock demon. They worship chaos and pain." Willow pointed out.

"Does it say anything about a ritual?"

"No. But it does say that they are loyal to the demon Mortar. He's like some guru or something." Willow explained.

"Mortar? Never heard of him. I bet he's using my axe to pick his teeth right now though." Buffy griped.

"Did you guys say Mortar?" Anya piped up from behind the counter.

"Yeah. You know him?" Willow asked curiously.

"Well, no, not personally. He doesn't live in this dimension. But I dated one of his followers once. It didn't work out." Anya shrugged.

"You dated a Carmock demon? Can I just say 'eww'." Buffy said making a face.

"Well, it was a long time ago. I was young." Anya explained.

"Well, what do you know about Mortar, or what kinds of rituals they'd perform for him?" Willow asked, choosing to ignore the ickiness of Anya's previous taste in romantic partners.

"They were always doing rituals for something or other. Mostly feeding rituals or for gaining power."

"Where would they do them? This guy last night mentioned a sacred spot." Buffy told her.

"Sacred…Hmm…I'm not sure." Anya said scratching her head, trying to remember something useful.

"Well, we need to figure this out, and soon. He said two days. That's not much time." Buffy said seriously.

"Wait! I remember. Water. They like water. I remember Joey used to take me to the river a lot." Anya smiled.

"Joey? Your demons name was Joey?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Well, sort of. I called him Joey. I couldn't pronounce his real name." Anya explained.

Buffy shook her head and smiled slightly.

"Okay then. Water. We have a lake, a river and an ocean all within a few miles. I guess tonight I'll scope them out. See what I can find." Buffy told them.

"You want me to go with you? I-I know I'm not much help these days, but I can go if you want?" Willow offered.

"That's okay. I can handle it. I'll take Spike. Besides, someone needs to stay with Dawn." Buffy told her as she stood to her feet.

"You heading out now?" Willow asked.

"Yeah. I'm gonna go tell Spike the plan." Buffy said, grabbing her bag.

"See you later." Willow smiled.

Buffy waved, and looked at Anya.

"Thanks Anya." She said sincerely.

Anya smiled and Buffy walked out the door. She headed down the street towards Spike's place. It was a nice, sunny afternoon. And it was her day off. She should have been doing something outdoorsy and fun. But she found herself wanting to go to the cemetery and see Spike. She preferred the damp, darkness of his crypt, rather than basking in the warm sun. Telling him the plan for this evening was really on an excuse, and a flimsy one at that. There was no reason she couldn't tell him tonight. But she didn't want to wait.

She pushed open the door and walked inside. She looked around and didn't see him. She walked slowly over to the ladder that led downstairs. She figured he might be sleeping. She crept down silently and walked into the room. The bed was rumpled and empty. Just as she was about to turn around and walk the other direction, she was grabbed from behind by strong arms.

"Looking for me?" Spike purred into her ear.

"Let me go. You startled me." She said with irritation.

"You were the one sneaking around." He pointed out, not loosening his tight hold around her.

"I wasn't sneaking. I was looking for you."

"Well you found me. It's early though. I wasn't expecting company." He said, releasing her from his grasp.

"You want me to leave or something?" She asked, straightening her shirt that was rumpled from his grip.

"No."

"Well then shut up. I'm here for a reason." She said moving away from him, trying to keep her distance.

"What reason? Looking for a little afternoon delight?" He said reaching out and caressing her arm.

She swatted it away.

"Stop that. I found out about the demons from last night. They like water, so it looks like we're gonna need to check out all the waterways tonight. See if there's any sign of them." She explained.

"Oh. Okay." He said with disappointment. He was hoping she was there for a better reason that just that.

"Yeah. So, I just thought you should know." She said shifting uncomfortably.

She realized that it was stupid to come here just to tell him that. Deep down she knew that wasn't the only reason. She just wanted to be with him. But she didn't want to tell him that. She didn't want him to know that she actually wanted his company. Or that she'd been thinking about what happened with them last night, all day long.

"Well, if that's it then." He said with a shrug, waiting for her to make some kind of move.

"Yeah. That's it."

"Right then. You can leave." He said pointing the way to the ladder.

"You're what? Throwing me out?" She asked incredulously.

"I'm not doing anything. You said that was the only reason you came. Unless there's something else?" He asked moving closer to her.

He put his hands on her shoulders and gripped them firmly, looking into her eyes.

"There's nothing else." She said unconvincingly.

He leaned over and kissed her neck. Then he whispered into her ear.

"I know why you're really here. You couldn't stop thinking about me. About last night."

"No. That's not true." She said weakly.

"I bet you can't wait to do it again. You've tasted me, and now you want more." He purred as he bit down on her earlobe.

She squeezed her eyes shut and felt a small shudder go through her body.

"Last night was gross. It was sick and disgusting." She said, trying to back away from him.

"It made you hot. Hotter than I've ever seen you. Don't deny it." He said, refusing to let her out of his grip.

She wanted so badly to deny it. She wanted to mean her words when she said it was disgusting. But it hadn't been.

"Stop saying that, and let me go." She said as she pushed him away from her.

She turned around and attempted to leave. He grabbed her arm and swung her around. She reached back and punched him across the face. In reflex, he punched her back. She was startled momentarily, only because the last time she had hit him, he hadn't fought back. Her surprise quickly faded and she hit him again. He tried to grab her arms, but she pushed him backwards.

He reeled back and landed on the edge of the bed, and bounced off. She walked over quickly and grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him up. He stared at her with an intense fire in his eyes. She returned his stare. In an instant, she was consumed by her passion. She ripped his shirt apart and the shreds fell to the floor. She shoved him backwards again, and this time he landed square on the bed.

She leapt onto him and began kissing him roughly. He reached up and ripped her shirt off of her shoulders. His hands grabbed at her breasts and he ripped her bra in half from the front, exposing her. He broke free from her angry kisses and his mouth went to her breasts. She clutched at his hair and tried to remove his mouth from her nipple. He bit down and she cried out with pleasure as she pulled his head back. He dragged his teeth over her sensitive flesh until his mouth was free again for her kisses.

She dragged her nails across his chest, reopening the scratches she had left the night before. He let out a small cry and she looked down at him with satisfaction. She then bent her head down and began to lick across his open wounds. The taste of him was intoxicating. He was right when he said she wanted more. She did. She wanted all of him.

Her tongue traced circles around his nipples and she found herself biting him the way he had bitten her. He moaned and grabbed her shoulders. With a quick move, he had tossed her onto her back and straddled her. He undid her pants and yanked them down. He tossed her shoes and her pants away. He ripped her panties off of her and pushed her legs apart.

She moaned softly, and waited expectantly for the feel of his tongue or his fingers caressing her. But he did nothing. She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"What?" She asked, wondering why he had stopped.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He said huskily.

"You know what I want you to do." She said softly.

"But I want you tell me." He said caressing her inner thigh, teasing her.

She squeezed her eyes shut again at the feel of his caress, wishing so badly he'd just move a little and touch her where she needed to be touched.

"Just do it." She said, not looking at him.

"Do what?"

"What you did last night."

"What was that?"

He knew he was playing games with her, but he wanted her to play along. In the past she had made him beg for her. Now it was her turn.

"I want you to touch me." She said growing impatient.

He reached down and ran his fingers over her slick skin. She arched her back and moaned.

"Like this?" He asked.

"With your mouth." She whispered breathlessly.

He smiled and bent down to take her into his mouth. She clutched at the bed sheets and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Yes…Yes…" She murmured as he consumed her.

He could feel that she was already reaching her peak and he pulled away from her and looked down on her again. She was panting and completely unsatisfied.

"Don't stop." She said desperately.

"You finish it." He told her with a wicked gleam in his eye.

"What?" She asked, disbelieving.

"I want to watch you finish it."

"What? No." She shook her head.

"Alright then." He said attempting to get up from the bed.

She grabbed his arm.

"No. You finish what you started." She said not enjoying the weird games he was playing.

"I want to watch you. Don't tell me you've never done it." He told her.

"I haven't." She protested. Then she looked away from him. "Not with an audience anyway."

"Well, then its something new." He said, reaching between her legs again to feel her.

She moaned and allowed him to get her worked up again. Then he stopped and waited for her. She looked at him and knew that he was serious. She'd make him pay for this later, she thought.

She reached down between her thighs and began rubbing herself. He watched with excitement as she pleasured herself for him. At first she felt really awkward and uncomfortable. But it didn't take long for her to almost forget he was there. Just as she nearing her climax he freed himself from his pants. He put his hand on her thigh and pushed it farther apart. She opened her eyes and saw him and she pulled her hand away. He grabbed it and placed it back onto her.

"Keep going." He told her.

She did as he told her, and he lifted her bottom up. He then entered her quickly, wrapping her legs around his waist. She cried out at the feel of him thrusting into her. That coupled with her own caresses sent her into an earth shaking orgasm almost immediately. He moaned loudly at the force of her contracting muscles around him.

She gripped his body tightly with her legs and flipped him over onto his back, never breaking their connection. She pinned his arms above his head, and ground herself against him. Her breasts were hovering over his face and he strained his head up to take them into his mouth. The pleasure of his mouth and the feel of him inside her, was almost more than she could take.

She released his arms and sat up straight as she continued to ride him. His hands grabbed her ass and squeezed tightly, leaving nail marks on her skin. She returned his passion by scraping her nails over his nipples. He grabbed her wrists and pulled her down into a forceful kiss. He bit down on her lip again and drew blood. He began sucking at her lip, savoring the sweet taste.

She pulled back and looked down at him with lust filled eyes. She could feel another orgasm building and she ground herself against him harder. As she began to come she bent down and buried her face into his neck. As impulse overcame her, she bit into his skin drawing blood from him. It was just enough to send him into bliss as he released himself into her warmth.

She lay on top of him completely spent. Her face was still at his neck and the bite she left was dripping a small amount of blood. She snaked her tongue out and licked it away. She wasn't even thinking about what she was doing, only that it felt right and good. All at once she regained her senses and sat up.

He looked up at her with complete contentment and satisfaction. She was the most exciting lover he'd ever had. She was wild and he could never get enough. She felt a wave of panic and remorse come over how she had bitten him. Was she turning into a creature like him? Why on earth was she doing these things?

She wordlessly removed herself from him and sat on the edge of the bed. He sat up and rubbed her shoulders softly.

"What's wrong?" He asked confused. They'd just had the most incredible sex ever and she looked upset.

"Nothing. I need to go. Dawn will be home from her friends house." She said, standing up and looking for her clothes.

"Why the rush? Stay a bit. We can bask in the afterglow." He suggested with a smile.

"Afterglow? What are you? A romance novelist?" She asked shaking her head.

She bent down and picked up her tattered undergarments. She realized that she couldn't even put them back on because they were destroyed. She then picked up her shirt. It was in the same condition.

"Why do you do that?" He asked irritated with her.

"Why do I do what?" She asked, preoccupied with trying to figure out how she was going to get home without any clothes.

"This. We share something amazing, and then you jump up and run off like nothing happened." He told her.

"Maybe because I can't stand to be with you." She said flippantly.

He looked at her angrily.

"You seem to like me okay as long as I'm fucking you." He said getting up hastily from the bed.

"You're a pig." She spat at him.

"And you're a acting like a whore." He spat back.

She punched him across the face and his head snapped back.

"I am not a whore!" She said with involuntary tears in her eyes.

His words had wounded her deeply. More than he could ever know.

"You use me for to get your naughty kicks off, and then you toss me away! All the while saying you don't give a damn about me. What do you think that makes you?" He shouted at her.

She suddenly felt very exposed not having her clothes on. She covered herself with her hands and tried to fight back the tears that were spilling from her eyes. She was so ashamed of her feelings for him. And ashamed at the things they did. But part her would rather be a whore than admit to him that she cared for him. Both options pained and humiliated her.

She wiped her eyes hastily and glared at him.

"Give me something to wear. You ruined my clothes." She said, choosing to ignore his cutting words.

"Now you want the clothes off my back?" He asked her incredulously.

"Fine. I'll wear this." She said grabbing his duster off a chair and putting it on.

"You're not taking that." He protested.

She picked up her jeans that had managed to remain unharmed, and slipped them on.

"Stop me." She said, giving him a hard look.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He asked as he moved over to her like a cat stalking its prey.

She shoved him back.

"Leave me alone." She told him.

He laughed at her and that angered her even more.

"What's so funny?" She asked.

"You. You're so cute when you're pissed." He told her with an amused grin.

"You think this is funny? You think calling me a whore is funny?" She asked angrily.

"Look, I'm sorry. But you started it. It hurts to be called names, doesn't it?" He told her seriously.

She just looked up at him guiltily. She knew she had called him far worse. He was just stooping to her level and she knew it. She looked down at her feet sadly. He walked over to her and held her shoulders.

"Look at me." He told her.

She looked up at him and tried to push back her tears.

"I love you. Nothing will ever change that. No matter what you say to me, or do to me. And you know that. We belong together. And the sooner you realize that, the better things will be." He told her sincerely.

"Spike, stop talking like you know what I'm feeling. You don't know. You could never know how hard this is for me." She said tearfully.

"You think this is easy for me? You think I wanted to love you? To have you inside of me like this, consuming me? I hate it." He told her heatedly.

"Well, then why are you doing this? What are we doing? You don't want it, and I certainly don't want it, so why?" She asked desperately.

"Because…I love you."

"Stop. Stop saying that all the time."

"Why? It's true. I won't stop saying it until you believe it." He said, hurt that she still refused to acknowledge his feelings.

"You don't understand and you never will." She said shaking her head.

"Well then why don't you try and explain it?"

"It's just…I don't know who I am when I'm with you. It's like I'm someone else. It scares me." She said softly.

"But that's the thing, Buffy. When you're with me, you _are _being yourself. It's the other Buffy that's the lie."

"No. No…You're wrong."

"Really?" He asked, knowing she was lying to herself.

"Spike, I can't do this right now. I really do need to get home." She said avoiding the question.

"Will you be back tonight?" He asked.

"For business." She said firmly.

"We have to talk about this."

"I'll see you tonight." She said, turning around and climbing up the ladder.

He watched her go and shook his head.

"She took my bloody jacket." He muttered to himself as he went over and lit a cigarette.

He wanted her so badly it was like torture. He wanted all of her. Not just part of her, but everything. Sometimes he wasn't sure what was worse. When she wouldn't give him the time of day, or this. He just didn't understand why she was acting this way. When they were together, it was clear that she wanted him. That she needed things that only he could give her. But time and time again, she ran from him and what they shared. He was getting tired of the game. But just like her, he couldn't stop playing it.

Buffy walked through her front door and prayed that no one was home to see her. She was wearing her jeans and Spike's duster with nothing underneath. If anyone saw her she wouldn't know how to explain things. She closed the door behind her and started to walk up the stairs. Dawn and Willow both walked into the room and saw her.

"Buffy! You're home." Dawn said with a smile.

She turned around on the stairs and looked at them like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Dawn. Will. Hey." She said nervously.

"We were waiting for you so we could order a pizza. Early dinner. Or late lunch." Willow told her with a shrug.

"Oh. Good. I'm starved." Buffy smiled.

Dawn looked at her strangely.

"Is that Spike's jacket?" She asked.

"What?"

"His jacket. Why are you wearing it?"

"Oh, um…This isn't his. It's mine." Buffy lied.

"Buffy, y-you weren't wearing that earlier. Plus, it's kinda big on you." Willow pointed out as she became suspicious.

"Right. Okay, you caught me. It is Spike's."

"Well why are you wearing it? It's like, not even cold outside." Dawn asked.

"It's embarrassing, really. We were fighting a demon, and I got demon goo all over my shirt. He let me borrow his jacket." Buffy explained quickly.

"You and Spike were fighting a demon?" Willow asked skeptically.

"Yeah."

"Outside? In the daytime?" Willow pointed out.

Buffy felt like a total moron. A moron caught in a really stupid lie.

"In the sewers! We were in the sewers." Buffy blurted out.

"Oh. Okay." Willow said, still unsure. Then she smiled. "Well, you better get changed. We'll call the pizza guy."

"Right. I'll be down in a few." Buffy turned around and let out a small sigh of relief.

She felt horribly for lying to everyone, but there was no way they'd understand this. She didn't, so why would they? But slips up like this were going to be her downfall. She couldn't keep hiding like this.

She had confided in Tara, and had felt so much better afterwards. It was like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders. But telling everyone else seemed so much scarier. Tara had been completely supportive. Buffy had braced herself to be shunned and judged by her, but it hadn't happened. In fact, right now she really wanted to talk to her. She needed someone who could help her sort out this mess she called a life.

Buffy walked into her room and shut the door. She peeled off Spike's jacket and walked over to her dresser to get out new underwear. As she did, she looked up into the mirror and saw her reflection. She had bruises on her wrists and teeth marks on her breasts. She ran her fingers over the marks and looked back into the mirror.

He had done this to her. And she had wanted him to. But she had returned his passion even more fiercely. His body was scratched and bruised. And his neck… She had bitten him. She was no different than he was. He had tried to tell her that, and she refused to believe him. But it was true.

Buffy pulled her clothes on and went to the phone. She dialed Tara's number and waited for her to answer.

"Hello?"

"Tara? It's Buffy."

"Hey. What's up? Everything okay?" Tara asked with concern.

"Yeah. Great. I mean…Well, maybe not so much great as terrible." Buffy admitted.

"What is it? Did something happen?" Tara inquired sympathetically.

"No. Not really. Its just…Can I come over in a little while? I need to talk." Buffy asked.

"Sure. I-I'll be here all evening studying. Come over when you can."

Buffy said her goodbyes and hung up the phone. She went downstairs and joined Willow and Dawn for pizza. Once their meal was over, Buffy got up from the table.

"I need to get going, guys. Sorry." She told them.

"It's alright. We know you're fighting that evil. I hope you find them." Dawn told her sincerely.

"Right. Me too. I still want my axe back." She smiled.

"Good luck." Willow told her.

Buffy walked out the door with her weapons bag and headed for Tara's. It was just a quick pit stop before she had to meet up with Spike. She knocked on Tara's door and she opened it.

"Hey. You're here. I have Chinese food if you're hungry?" Tara offered.

"No thanks. I had pizza with Will and Dawn."

"Oh. Good. Um, how is Willow? I haven't seen her in a few days." Tara inquired.

"She's good. She's been doing really well I think. She misses you." Buffy told her sincerely.

"I miss her too… But we don't need to get into that. You wanted to talk about something?" Tara changed the subject quickly.

Buffy sat down on the couch and Tara joined her.

"Is it about Spike?" She asked.

"Yeah. Sort of. Its kinda more about me."

"What is it?" Tara asked, putting her hand on Buffy's arm.

"I don't even know where to start. I mean, I still think something is wrong with me." She told Tara.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because. I keep doing things that are crazy. Things that I don't want to do, except I _do_ want to do them, but I shouldn't. Does that make any sense?" Buffy asked desperately.

"What kinds of things? I-I mean, if you want to tell me." Tara stammered awkwardly.

"Just stuff…With Spike." Buffy said softly.

"S-sex things?" Tara asked uncomfortably

"Yeah." Buffy said almost inaudibly.

"You don't want to? Is he forcing you?" Tara asked concerned.

"No. He's not forcing me. It's not like that. I want to, but I know I shouldn't want to. That's where the badness and confusion come in."

"Well, Buffy it's normal to be confused about this. I-I mean, he's certainly not Mr. Right. But like I said before, he does love you. And if being with him makes you happy, then maybe that's all that really matters?" Tara offered kindly.

"But I'm a vampire slayer. I'm not supposed to be sleeping with a vampire. I'm supposed to kill him."

"Do you want to kill him?"

"Sometimes." Buffy said with a joking smile.

"I mean seriously." Tara said with a small laugh.

Buffy looked up at her.

"No. I don't want to kill him. It's just the things I've done…They aren't right. They aren't normal." Buffy admitted embarrassingly.

Tara took her hand and squeezed it supportively.

"Who says? What's normal anyway? There are people out there who still think that I'm wrong and abnormal just because I'm a lesbian. I-I don't think it really matters what a person does in the privacy of their own bedroom. As long as everyone is having a good time, who cares?" Tara said seriously.

"You really think so? You don't think I'm a freak?" Buffy asked.

"No. I mean, I don't know what you're doing. And I don't need to know. The point is, if you like something, it can't be wrong. I-I mean, unless it involves kids or animals. It doesn't, does it?" Tara asked nervously.

"No! Gross. Of course not. I may be a little freaky, but not _that_ freaky." Buffy said shaking her head quickly.

"Good."

"I mean, isn't the fact that I'm doing it with one of the undead bad enough? You don't find that strange?" Buffy asked.

"First of all, yes, it is a little strange. But not that strange. He's not like other vampires. If you were out jumping into bed with every vamp in town, then maybe I'd be worried for you. But this is different. People fall in love with the wrong person all the time. It doesn't mean that loving them is wrong." Tara pointed out.

"I don't know if I love him." Buffy whispered softly.

"But you might?" She asked.

Buffy just looked at her and shrugged. She couldn't answer that, because she honestly didn't know.

"Just don't be too hard on yourself. I-I think it's important that you find what makes you happy. If being with him makes you happy, don't deny yourself just because it's a little unconventional. If I did that, then I'd never have fallen in love with Willow." Tara smiled.

"And what if he doesn't make me happy?" Buffy asked softly.

"If he doesn't, then you need to let him go." She said seriously.

Buffy looked at her sadly. She felt better somehow, even if she was still as confused as before.

"Thanks for listening to me. I know I'm a big pain."

"You're not a pain. I want to help. I want you to be happy, whatever you decide. Just promise me one thing." Tara told her.

"What's that?"

"Don't let someone else decide for you. I listened to my family for years go on about how wrong it was to be like me. I let them drag me down, and because of that I was miserable. When I started making my own choices, that's when I finally realized who I was. Just remember that." Tara said seriously.

Buffy hugged her tightly. She felt so much better just hearing someone tell her that she wasn't crazy. Of course, she didn't know everything. She didn't know details of why Buffy felt so guilty. But according to Tara, it didn't matter. Maybe she was right? Buffy wanted to believe her.

She pulled back and stood up to leave.

"I'm sorry to rush off like this, but I've got some slaying stuff to take care of." Buffy said regretfully.

"It's alright. I'm glad you came over." Tara smiled.

"Me too."

"I'm glad that you feel like you can confide in me."

Buffy smiled at her.

"You're a great friend. I'm just sorry that we didn't connect sooner." Buffy admitted.

Tara looked down at her lap.

"Are you gonna tell the others?" She asked quietly.

"No. Not yet. I-I'm just not ready. I think I need to figure out what I'm feeling before I can tell anyone else." Buffy told her.

"Right. That's probably a good idea."

"I'll see you later. Thanks again." Buffy said, as she grabbed her bag and headed out the door.

She walked towards Spike's crypt and realized that she was running late again. They had a lot of ground to cover and it was already getting late. She walked up to his door, but before she could open it, he was standing next to her. She jumped.

"Geez. Stop doing that!" She said composing herself.

"Doing what? I was outside waiting for you. Thought maybe you wouldn't show." He explained.

"Why not? I told I'd be here. And this is business remember?" She told him.

"Right. So, where's my jacket?" He asked her with a raised eyebrow.

"I forgot it." She shrugged.

"You forgot it? I need that. It's cold out here." He said irritated.

"Cold? You don't even have a circulation. I think you'll manage." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Well, I look tougher with it. Cooler."

"It's just a jacket. Get over it. We need to get going." She said turning away from his crypt.

She started walking and he followed her.

"Where are we going first?" He asked curiously.

"I guess the docks again. The river runs there. Maybe they found a different spot?" She offered.

"Well, if the docks were the sacred spot, then why bother moving? They had a nice little set up there." He rationalized.

"I don't know. Maybe they're not very smart. Or they needed a change of scenery?" She said exasperated with him already.

"Fine. If you wanna waste time—."

"Do you have a better idea?" She interjected angrily.

"The lake. I'm thinking the lake. It's secluded." He explained.

"Fine then. The lake. We'll go to the lake first." She sighed, changing her direction.

They walked into the woods and made their way to the lake. They searched around the banks and saw nothing. It was completely quiet.

"This isn't it. It can't be. There isn't anyone around here." She said with frustration.

"It was worth a shot."

"I swear, if they were at the docks this whole time, I'm keeping your jacket." She said as she turned on her heel and walked away from the water.

"You are not." He called after her as he shook his head.

They traveled the docks for over an hour. They peered into countless warehouses, including the one from last night. They found nothing.

"I think Anya was wrong. It can't be water or else we would have seen something." Buffy said with frustration.

"What about the ocean? It's a short drive. We can go back and get my car." He offered.

"No. There's no where to hide there. They can't just be lying out on beach blanket all day trying to get a tan before they take over the world." She complained.

"Maybe they like to surf?" Spike chuckled.

Buffy gave him a hard look, and then she couldn't help but laugh.

"Be serious, will you?" She said between her laughter.

"I'm just saying that we'll never find them this way." He told her.

"Well then, what do you propose we do?" She asked.

"I can hit some demon haunts. See what the word is. That's how I found out about them in the first place."

"We better go now. We don't have much time." She told him.

"No. _I'll_ go. You can't."

"What?"

"You can't go with me. It'll look a little suspicious if I'm toting the Slayer with me." He explained.

"But you took me to your demon place before." She pointed out irritated.

"That was different. Besides, this isn't the same place. That bar was a friendly establishment. They don't discriminate. This place is a little less open to outsiders." He told here seriously.

"You hang out in places like that?" She asked, somewhat surprised to hear that he was still so involved in that world.

"I frequent them on occasion."

"Oh."

"Does that bother you?" He asked.

"No. I don't care what you do." She said casually.

"Fine then. I'm going to head out."

"What am I supposed to do while you're out gallivanting with your demon buddies?" She asked.

"I don't know. Go home. I got this covered."

"Fine. You'd better find something out though. We're running out of time." She said unhappily.

"Don't worry. I can be really persuasive. And charming." He added with a smirk.

"Charming? They're aren't any girl demons at this place, are there?" She asked suddenly worried.

"Jealous, Pet?" He asked, moving over and putting his hands on her shoulders.

"No." She protested weakly.

"You're not?"

"No. Why should I be?" She asked casually.

He gave her a disappointed look and moved away from her.

"Right. Why would you be? You don't care." He said bitterly, as he turned and walked away from her.

She saw the hurt in his eyes as he turned to go. She called out after him.

"I'm not jealous—." She started.

He turned and faced her again.

"I got that part." He said with a pained expression.

She looked down at her feet.

"I'm not jealous because I know you're mine." She whispered.

She almost couldn't believe she had admitted that. But it felt true. She knew it. He knew it. And now she was saying it out loud.

His look softened and he walked over to her again.

"What?"

"You heard me. Now go, and get some useful information this time." She said with a small smile.

He smiled and leaned over to kiss her.

"I want my jacket back." He said with a grin.

He turned around and walked off. She watched him go and smiled to herself. Things just got even more complicated. Admitting that she thought of him as hers was a huge step. He said they belonged to each other. Admitting this was just like admitting she was his as well. It was terrifying. But it had felt right. Tara had told her if he made her happy, she shouldn't deny herself that happiness. She was trying. It was a small step, but at least she was moving this time.

Buffy lay in bed tossing and turning. She was restless. She had gone home after Spike had left, but she had felt completely useless just staying home. She had watched a movie with Dawn and then they had gone to bed. That was hours ago, and Buffy was still awake.

She sat up and looked at the clock. It was 3am. She wondered if Spike was back yet. She wasn't sure how long it would take for him to get information. She climbed out of bed and walked over to her dresser. Spike's duster was lying across it and she picked it up. She held it to herself and smelled it. It smelled like him and it made her tingle inside.

She pulled it on over her pajamas and laid down on the bed. She closed her eyes and remembered the way he had made her feel. The way he touched her, and kissed her. The things he said to her. She began to feel a little warm, and it wasn't because she was wearing the jacket. She sat up and peeled the jacket off. Then she got an idea. She stood up and undressed herself completely. Then she went to her dresser and grabbed some sweats and tossed them into her backpack. She went back over to the bed and pulled his jacket on over her bare skin.

She crept out of her room and down the stairs, careful not to wake anyone. Spike wanted his jacket back, so she was going to give it to him, she thought to herself with a smile.

She walked towards his crypt quickly. She was hoping that she wouldn't run into anyone or anything else. She wasn't exactly dressed for slaying. She couldn't actually believe she was doing this to begin with. It was a whim, and probably a stupid one. She reached his door and went inside.

It was completely dark on the upper level, which indicated he wasn't home yet, or already in bed. She hoped it was the latter or else she might lose her nerve and just go home. She walked down the ladder silently and entered his bedroom. It was dark except for a few candles burning in the corner. As she walked closer she saw that he was in bed asleep.

She walked over and stood beside him. She leaned over to his ear and spoke loudly into it.

"Wake up."

He was startled awake by her not so gentle command, and he sat up straight.

"Bloody hell, woman! You scared the shit out of me." He said giving her an angry look.

"Sorry."

"What are you doing here?" He asked, trying to focus his eyes.

"I brought your jacket back." She said with a devious smile.

"Couldn't you have waited?" He asked. Then he saw that she was wearing the jacket.

His eyes traveled down the length of her body and saw that her legs were bare.

"Are you naked?" He asked, suddenly intrigued and turned on.

"I might be." She said casually as she moved away from his bed. The she turned around to face him again. "Wanna check?" She asked with a smirk.

"Get over here." He said excitedly.

"If you want your jacket back so badly, you're gonna have to come over here and take it." She said with a wicked grin.

"Oh, I see. We're playing a game, are we?" He said with amusement.

"I thought you liked to play?" She said innocently.

"I love to play." He said seductively, as he leapt out of bed completely naked and tried to catch her.

She was too quick though and slipped through his grasp. She ran over to the other side of the bed and laughed at him.

"You won't catch me." She teased him.

"That's okay. I like the chase." He smirked, as he leapt over the bed and grabbed her arm.

She wrestled it free, and scurried over to the other side of the room again. He ran after her. He knew he could catch her if he wanted to, but this was more exciting. She ducked his reach and ran to the bed again and jumped on it. She stood on it and waited for him to come closer. He jumped onto the bed, just as she jumped off, sending him sprawling to the floor.

She ran across the room and attempted to head up the ladder. In an instant, he was behind her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and yanked her off the ladder. She wiggled around, trying to free herself, but her laughter was a dead giveaway that she wasn't trying very hard. He carried her like that over to the bed and threw her down playfully.

She lay back for a moment and caught her breath. Then she tried to get up again. He stopped her, by straddling her legs and holding her arms above her head.

"I'm not letting you get away from me this time." He said playfully.

"You think I can't toss you off me and run out of here?" She asked with a smile.

He smirked at her and reached over to his night table. He picked up the pair of handcuffs that he had introduced her to before. He held them in front of her.

"I don't think you're going anywhere." He said with a smoldering gaze.

Her eyes got big and she felt herself growing even more excited at the memory of the last time he had used them. He fastened her wrists above her head and she didn't try and stop him. She just lay back breathing heavily. Partly from their chase and partly from anticipation.

Once she was secured, he sat back and looked at her. She was so beautiful and so exciting. Only in his wildest fantasies did he ever think she'd share herself with him this way. He reached his hands down and slid them over the leather jacket that was still covering her body. One by one, he undid the buttons and then pulled it apart revealing her nude form for him to admire.

"You know, this jacket looks even better on you." He purred as he ran his hands over her bare breasts.

She let out a small moan and closed her eyes. His fingertips played over her nipples and he gave them a gentle squeeze. She cried out softly and he smiled. He bent down and took one into his mouth, while his fingers continued to play with her other one. She pulled on her restraints, desperate to touch him. All she could do was arch her back to try and bring him closer.

He lifted his head to look at the pleasure on her face.

"You like it when I do that, don't you?" He asked her.

"Mmm…" She murmured softly.

"You like it when I do this too?" He asked, as he took her nipple into his mouth again and took it between his teeth.

She moaned loudly.

"Yes…" She said to him desperately.

He trailed his tongue down her stomach and parted her legs. He covered her wetness with his mouth and she cried out again. She tried to move her arms and pushed her pelvis towards his face. The sensation of his lips, his tongue and his teeth made her shudder with delight.

He heard her moans become louder the more forceful he was. It was driving him mad with lust and desire. He felt her tensing and she began to gasp for air. He replaced his mouth with his fingers and kissed along the inside of her thigh. Just as she began to come, he vamped out and sunk his fangs into her inner thigh.

The overwhelming sensation of pleasure drowned out the pain momentarily. She was so lost in the moment, she didn't realize what he had done. She could feel him sucking on her thigh and it sent her over the edge again. Her body shuddered uncontrollably and her wrists were becoming bruised from her struggle. Finally, she began to regain her senses and Spike removed his hand and looked up at her. He was still wearing his demon visage. She opened her eyes and looked down at him.

She was startled to see him that way and she felt a small wave of panic go through her. He'd never vamped out before when they were making love. Suddenly she felt very vulnerable lying there naked and hand cuffed to his bed. She strained her head to see her leg and noticed that there was a small amount of blood there. She then realized that he had bitten her.

"Did you bite me?" She asked nervously.

"Did you like it?" He asked.

"Oh my god… Why did you do that?" She asked feeling guilty.

"I thought you wanted me to." He said seriously.

"What? No. I-I mean, not like that." She said struggling to move her arms again.

"Why not? It made you come again, didn't it?" He pointed out, not understanding what he did wrong.

"Oh god…" She said, feeling extremely dirty for the way she had reacted to his bite.

"Buffy…"

"Let me out of these things." She said indicating the handcuffs.

"What? Now you're going to leave? I gave you what you've been wanting." He said feeling confused and hurt by her sudden turn.

"First of all, I never said I wanted that. And second, put your 'Grr' face away." She said looking away from him.

"My 'Grr' face? Is that what bothers you?" He asked, making no move to undo her or put his human face back on.

"Yes."

"This is who I am, Buffy. You know that." He told her.

"Spike, please…" She said softly.

"You mean, you won't make love to me like this?" He asked, slightly wounded.

"That's not it…It's just…"

"Now you can't pretend to yourself that I'm not what I am? A vampire?" He asked.

"Just undo me." She whispered, unable to answer him.

He reached over to the nightstand and got the key for the handcuffs. He unfastened them and Buffy sat up and rubbed her sore wrists. Then she looked down at the bite on her thigh. It wasn't bleeding anymore and she touched it gently. Then she looked up at him.

"Why'd you have to bite me there? That's gonna rub on my pants." She complained.

"Where would you rather I bite you?" He asked hopefully.

She looked up at him and into the eyes of his demon. He wasn't putting his vamp face away and she didn't know what to think of it. It didn't really bother her as much as she said. But he was right. It was easier to pretend he wasn't a vampire when he wasn't like that.

"I never said I wanted you to bite me at all. You assumed." She pointed out.

He moved over closer to her and stroked her neck with his fingertips.

"I assumed, and you enjoyed. Don't deny it." He whispered.

She was silent. She wasn't agreeing, but she wasn't denying either.

"You know I'd never hurt you." He told her softly.

"I know." She whispered.

He caressed the side of her face gently.

"Kiss me." He told her.

"No."

"Kiss me." He repeated again.

She leaned into him and kissed him softly. He peeled his jacket off of her body and laid her back down on the bed. Her hands went to his face and she traced his demon features. He kissed her again, this time more forcefully. She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him closer to her.

He guided himself into her throbbing heat and she cried out softly. Their bodies moved in rhythm with each other and she clutched his back tightly. As they both reached the point of climax, he whispered into her ear.

"Tell me you want me to."

She only gasped as her pleasure began to overtake her. He whispered again.

"Tell me."

"Yes. I want you to." She cried out as she began quaking beneath him.

He bit down on her neck as his own orgasm engulfed him. They rocked together as he drank from her hungrily. It was pure and utter bliss. Everything he loved most about her, was pouring into him. With her blood, he was alive again. Her pain, her pleasure, her laughter and her tears were all a part of him now. He never wanted to stop, but to truly hurt her would destroy him.

He pulled away from her slowly and looked down into her eyes.

"I'll never let you go." He whispered as he slipped back into his human guise.

She was still shaking from her passion, but more so because of the magnitude of what she had allowed him to do. She had let him feed from her. And not only had she let him, she had told him to. Something was very, very wrong with her. But she didn't have the will to make it right.

She just lay there in his arms silently. She was completely numbed by her actions as well as his. It seemed that every time they were together, she slipped a little further from reality, and deeper into the fantasy world that they shared. She wasn't sure she could find her way back to herself. But more importantly, she was no longer sure she wanted to go back.

"Are you alright, Love?" He asked her, noticing her silence.

"Yeah." She replied softly.

He rolled off of her and laid next to her on the bed. He stroked her arm softly and she managed a small smile.

"I have a present for you." He told her with a grin.

"A present?" She asked, as she rolled over to face him.

"Yes. Close your eyes." He told her.

She looked at him skeptically.

"I'm afraid to. What are you going to do to me now?" She asked cautiously.

"Nothing. It's actually a gift. Not a game. Close your eyes." He told her again.

She did as he asked. She closed her eyes and waited for whatever he was offering. She felt him reach down to the floor and fumble with something under the bed. She felt her heart quicken, unsure of what his idea of a gift would be.

"Okay. Open them." He urged her.

She peeked out from underneath her eyelids cautiously. Then her eyes shot open and she sat up.

"My axe! You got my axe back?" She asked, excitedly as she grabbed it from his hands.

"Your welcome."

"How did you get it? What happened?" She asked him.

"Well, I went to that place, you know the one I told you about? Well, it turns out that a couple of Carmock demons were in the joint earlier this week. I started asking questions and someone knew where they were staying." He explained.

"They just told you? And what? You went there alone?" She asked disbelieving.

"Well, not exactly. See, it turns out that these fellas lost a huge game of poker. Then they grabbed the pot and ran out. Pissed off just about everyone in the place. So I suggested we find them, and kick their asses." He said proudly.

"You took a bunch of demon lowlifes with you?" She asked incredulously.

"Hey! Some of them are quite nice, I'll have you know. And yeah. We crashed into their den and annihilated them! It was bloody fantastic!" He said excitedly.

Buffy just stared at him in shock. She didn't know what to think. Spike had never gone off on his own and done something like this. And the fact that he took other demons with him, made her feel funny.

"Aren't you happy? I mean, I took care of it. No worries. I even got your prized weapon back. It was a hell of a good time." He told her.

"Yeah, its cool…You mean you guys went there and killed them all over a gambling debt?" She asked.

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"Oh."

"What difference does it make, Pet? They're dead. Who cares why they did it?" He asked, confused.

"Why did _you_ do it? They didn't owe you money." She pointed out.

"I did it for you, Love. Why else? I mean, why should you worry your pretty little head over this, when I can take care of it for you?" He told her as he stroked her shoulder softly.

"So now you wanna take care of me? Spare me from the evils of this world?" She asked defensively.

"Of course I want to take care of you. I love you." He said softly.

"Well, I don't need you to do my job. Especially without me." She said huffily.

He looked at her and smiled.

"Is that what this is about? You feel left out? You didn't get in on the action?" He asked with amusement.

"Shut up. No. That's not it." She pouted. Then she shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe a little. I mean, hey, look out! It's Spike the Slayer and his band of rogue demon Scoobies. Guess you don't need me." She whined.

Spike couldn't help but laugh at her. She was so damn cute when she was complaining. He ran his fingers through her hair and smiled.

"I'll always need you." He said sincerely.

She looked at him and smiled softly.

"You sure about that?"

"Positive. Besides, it's not as if I deliberately left you out. It was a spur of the moment thing." He explained.

"You could have come and got me." She pointed out.

"Right. I told you these guys aren't friendly with outsiders. What do think they would do if I said we needed to pop over to the Slayer's house and pick her up?"

"I don't know."

"If they knew about us, they woulda killed me just for principle." He said seriously.

She looked at him surprised, and to her dismay, hurt.

"No one knows about us, do they?" She asked.

"No. Not at that place anyway. I'm not much use if they know I'm working with the Slayer. I'd be a laughing stock." He said shaking his head.

"Right, cause being with a Slayer is like an embarrassment, huh?" She asked wounded.

He looked at her incredulously.

"Damn right it is. But don't go acting all wounded. It's not like you've told any of your friends. You think I'm a disgusting thing, remember? Too ashamed of me and what we have to let your friends know." He pointed out heatedly.

"That's not true." She protested weakly.

"Yes, it is."

"No. I-I've told…Someone." She admitted softly.

He looked at her disbelieving.

"You have? Who?"

"Tara."

"I knew it! I knew she was on to us. She kept looking at me funny at your birthday party. You actually told her?" He asked curiously.

"Yes. I-I had to tell someone." She admitted.

"And what did she say? I'm not turned into a toad or anything, so it must not have been that terrible."

"She was nice. Really supportive. She said she understood. She said she knew that you loved me." She said softly.

Spike felt his heart warm a little towards the blonde witch. He'd never given her too much thought before. She was always nice, a little quiet, but obviously nothing like the rest of the judgmental Scooby gang. He mentally added her to the list of people that he cared about in this world.

"She said that? She didn't tell you that you were crazy or anything?" He asked, still surprised.

"No. She's been really great. She listens to me. She's the only one I can talk to." She admitted.

"I like her."

"Just because she didn't turn you into a toad?" Buffy asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No. But that too. I'm glad that you have someone to talk to." He said sincerely.

"Why? I thought you liked having me all to yourself? You said I didn't belong with my friends anymore." She said quietly.

"I never said that. I just said you didn't fit into their world anymore. Doesn't mean I don't want you to have friends. Especially if they don't hate me." He said with a smile.

She smiled back at him.

"So…Who have you told?" She asked.

"Well, people talk, you know? I mean, most of the guys at my regular hangout know that I work with you. I tell them it's to keep you from killing me though. But, Clem knows." He told her.

"Clem? The one you brought to my party?"

"Yeah. He thinks I'm crazy, but he's starting to come around. He kinda fancies your friend from the party." Spike said with a grin.

"Who?" Buffy asked intrigued.

"The girl from burger hell. Sophia, or something?"

"Sophie? Clem likes Sophie? Oh my God! That's hilarious!" Buffy started laughing.

"Well, don't go spreading it around. He's got a reputation to protect, you know." Spike told her with a laugh.

Buffy finally contained her amusement and looked over at Spike.

"Are we gossiping?" She asked surprised at the playfulness of their conversation.

"It's fun, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It is." She said moving closer to him.

He put his arm around her and they lay there together in his bed. Buffy felt content. While they had been talking, she had completely forgotten all about what happened before. And when she thought of it now, she realized that it didn't bother her. It should have horrified her, but it didn't. She was still in the fantasy world that they had made. The world where nothing mattered but the two of them. The world where there were no consequences for your actions. And more importantly, it was a world where they both fit in.

There were no friends to judge you. There were no outsiders looking down on them. It was their world. Somewhere between darkness and light. He no longer belonged wholly to the darkness. And she no longer belonged wholly to the light. They could try and fool themselves, but they didn't belong anywhere. No where except the world they created. Buffy just wondered how long they could hide there.

Feedback is appreciated!

~It's easier not to be wise

And measure these things by your brains

I sank into Eden with you…

Now, we took it back too far,

Only love can save us now…~ LIVE


	2. Help Me Become Somebody Else

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. I borrow from Joss. Please don't sue me.

**Author's Note:** The second part of **Chained To Fate. **The title comes from the song **Closer** by **Nine Inch Nails. **Again, it's not a song fic, more of a mood setter.

**Summary: **Buffy is slipping further and further into darkness. Even Spike isn't sure of who she is anymore. She's completely moving out of the world they shared together, and into her own world. A place so dark, that Spike fears he is losing her altogether.

**Rating: **NC-17

Chained To Fate

Help Me Become Somebody Else…

~You can have my isolation, You can have the hate that it brings

You can have my absence of faith, You can have my everything

Help me, tear down my reason, Help me, its your sex I can smell

Help me, you make me perfect, Help me become somebody else…~ NINE INCH NAILS

Buffy crept back into her house, after finally tearing herself away from Spike. It was daybreak now and she wanted to make sure nobody knew she had been gone. She snuck up the stairs quietly and entered her room.

She flipped on the small bedside lamp and went over to the mirror. She looked at her reflection staring back at her. Her eyes were tired and dark. Her hair was messy and tangled. And when her eyes traveled to her neck, she saw it. She had a perfect mark that was obviously a vampire bite. She touched it gently.

It was on the opposite side from her other scars. She supposed that maybe subconsciously, or consciously, Spike wanted to go where no one had been before. She had been bitten now four times. Only one of those times, with the Master, had she not wanted it. It was a startling conclusion to make. She had begged Angel to bite her.

The purpose was to save his life. There was no doubt about that. But under the surface lurked her need to be intimate with him. To connect with him on a level that they were not permitted to. She had wanted him to drink her because in doing so, she would save him and become part of him. She had felt closer to him in that moment than ever before or ever since.

And when Dracula bit her, she knew she had been under his thrall. But part of her so desperately wanted to feel that rush again. It wasn't the closeness that she craved with him, but the thrill. She had wanted to know if she could ever feel that way again. It had unnerved her how intense the experience turned out to be.

Now again with Spike, she had felt it again. Powerful feelings that she couldn't even describe. Utter abandonment and surrender. The knowledge that you are giving your life to another person, trusting them completely. Knowing that any moment, it might go too far. The sensation of looking over the edge and waiting to be pushed over. It was electrifying. But more importantly, it was a bond.

With Angel it had meant intimacy. With Dracula, it had meant danger and thrill. With Spike, it meant all of those things. And not only had he tasted her life, she had tasted his. And she had enjoyed it.

She looked at herself now and didn't see the girl she used to know. She saw a stranger. She had tried everything to make herself look as different as she felt. It used to make her cry when she gazed at herself. But now she was numb. She wasn't the same. It was like she was living someone else's life. But she was starting to settle into it. It may not be where she started out, but it was hers now.

She crawled into her bed and pulled the covers over herself. She fell into a deep sleep and began to dream. She was walking through a cemetery alone. She felt a sense of uneasiness around her, but she kept walking.

All at once she felt eyes on her and she turned around. She saw the faces of her friends staring back at her with contempt and hatred.

"You don't belong here." Willow spat at her angrily.

"What? Willow?" Buffy asked confused.

"You're a sick, disgusting thing." Xander said getting into her face.

"Xander? What's wrong with you guys? What did I do?" Buffy asked tearfully.

"Oh, they know what you've done, Buffy. It was only a matter of time." Tara said as she emerged from the shadows.

"Tara? You told them?" Buffy asked completely devastated.

"I didn't have to tell them. They knew. Everyone knows what you really are." Tara told her calmly.

"I'm still me. Don't do this." Buffy pleaded with them.

"You're a monster. You don't care about anything. Or anyone." Dawn said as she suddenly materialized behind Tara.

Buffy stood there as everyone she cared about judged her and called her terrible names. She turned around and tried to run from them. But when she did, they were all standing in front of her again. She couldn't escape.

They all began descending upon her. They started hitting her and kicking her until she fell to the ground. Xander stood over her and leered down at her.

"You're nothing." He spat as he kicked her in the side.

"You don't know what real love is." Dawn said viciously as she punched Buffy in the face.

"You're dead inside." Willow punched her again.

All at once, everyone was on top of her, fists flying, beating Buffy senseless. She looked up and saw Spike hovering over them all.

"Spike…Please…Make them stop. Save me!" She pleaded desperately.

"Why?" He asked curiously.

"Please! I belong to you, remember. I'm yours." She told him sadly.

"You can't feel anything real. You could never be mine." He said coldly as he disappeared from her view.

All at once Buffy sprang up in her bed and felt tears on her cheeks. She looked around and realized that it was only a dream. A nightmare actually. She'd been having them a lot lately. But this one was even worse than normal. The hatred in her friends' eyes, and Dawn. It was impossible to think that they might view her that way if they knew who she really was. The person she had become.

And Spike didn't help her. In the end he refused to save her. All the words that everyone said to her were very much like what she had said to him before. So why would he save her? She wasn't even like him. She was worse. He was supposed to be a monster, a creature of the night. She wasn't. But something inside her pulled her into that world. A place that she didn't want to belong. But now she did. She'd crossed a line somewhere, and now she feared there could be no turning back. And most of all, she didn't want to.

Buffy had gone back to sleep and slept until almost noon. Willow and Dawn didn't bother trying to wake her. They figured she must have been really tired. They had no idea that she had left last night. Finally, Buffy managed to get herself out of bed. She knew she had to be at work soon and she groaned.

That place was the last place she felt like being today. Or any day for that matter. It was the worst possible thing she could think of to do with her life. She knew she needed the money. She also knew that Dawn was counting on her to get their lives in order. But Buffy just couldn't bring herself to think of that right now. She reached over and picked up the phone.

"Doublemeat Palace." She heard her manager's voice on the other end.

"Hi, Lorraine? It's Buffy. I'm really sorry, but I'm sick today. I can't make it in." Buffy lied.

"Buffy, we're already shorthanded. Can't you come in for at least a little while?" Lorraine asked unhappily.

"I'm sorry. I'm barfing and everything. If I have to look at Double Meat, I might hurl. That might frighten the customers away." Buffy said in a miserable voice. She was trying to be convincing.

"Well, alright. But if you feel better, you get your butt to work." Lorraine said sternly.

"I will." Buffy lied as she hung up the phone.

She laid back down on her bed and smiled to herself.

"Thank God I don't have to subject myself to that hell today." She muttered to herself happily.

Just then, she heard a knock at her door. She went to open it, then she realized that in her tank top, her neck was clearly exposed. She didn't want Dawn or Willow to see it. She ran to her closet and searched frantically for a turtleneck. The knocking became louder.

"Buffy? Are you okay in there? It's after twelve." Willow called out to her.

"I'm fine. Hold on a sec. I'm naked." Buffy called out to her friend as she ripped a turtleneck off the hanger and pulled it on.

She ran over to the door and pulled it open with a smile.

"Hey Will."

"Buffy, is everything alright?" Willow asked with concern.

"Yeah. I was just feeling lazy today." Buffy said with a shrug.

"Oh…Well, Dawn wanted to go to the mall to get a dress for the dance. I told her I'd take her, if that's okay?" Willow inquired.

"What dance?"

"The winter carnival? Remember? She told you about it last week. That boy Brian that she has a crush on asked her." Willow smiled.

"Oh, Right. Brian. Winter Carnival. It's all coming back now." Buffy lied.

She didn't remember this conversation at all. She felt a small pang of guilt for forgetting something this important to Dawn. Willow stood there and stared at Buffy expectantly. Buffy looked at her.

"Is there something else?" Buffy asked.

"No…I mean, well…How should we pay for the dress? Do you have money?" Willow asked uncomfortably.

"Right, money. I guess that would help, huh?" Buffy said with a laugh.

She walked over to her purse and pulled out her wallet. There wasn't any cash in it. She then pulled out the checkbook and saw how empty that was as well. The truth was, she didn't have any money to give Dawn.

"I'm all broke." Buffy said sadly.

"Oh… maybe she can just borrow one of your old dresses? Or mine. I still have my prom dress." Willow said hopefully.

Buffy frowned and the guilt over playing hooky from work hit her. This was a special event for Dawn. Buffy didn't want her to be subjected to wearing used, outdated formal wear. Somehow her mom always had money for things like that. She looked up at Willow.

"Here. Take this." She said handing over a credit card that she had.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I want Dawnie to have a nice dress. And some new shoes too. Don't worry about the cost." Buffy smiled.

"You do realize that you will eventually have to pay for this, right?" Willow asked.

"Of course. I'm not stupid. I-I just want Dawn to have something nice. I want her to enjoy all the things that I never got to. A nice, normal dance. With a nice, normal boy. She deserves that." Buffy said sincerely.

"Maybe you should take her shopping? She'd probably like that." Willow offered with a smile.

"I can't. I have to go to work." Buffy conceded sadly. She hated demeaning herself with that ridiculous job, but she had to do it for Dawn's sake.

Willow left Buffy alone to take a shower and get ready for work. She called Lorraine and told her that she was feeling better and would be in soon. It pained her to do that but she made the call anyway. Buffy's heart was definitely not in it anymore. It never had been. But now, even knowing how much Dawn was relying on her, it didn't help.

Just as she was pulling on her hideous uniform, she looked into the mirror. The shirt left her neck exposed. There was no getting around it. She went back into the bathroom and got out a box of band aids. She placed two small ones over the marks and sighed. It looked stupid, but it would have to do.

Buffy dragged herself into work and got behind the register for another day in burger hell, as Spike called it. By the time she got there, the lunch rush was just winding down. Most of the time she stood there bored out of her mind. All she could think about was getting out there. She was the Slayer. Not a burger flipper. There were other things she wanted to be doing. Things she needed to do.

When she was slaying, she was important. She was somebody. Here, she was just another face. A loser with no life and no other options. But she had another life. One that these morons here knew nothing about. She'd probably saved all their lives at some point, and they still treated her like she was nothing. It was wearing more than a little thin.

Finally around four o'clock, Willow, Dawn, and Tara walked through the door together. They were all smiling and had packages under their arms. Buffy was relieved to see them, even if it still embarrassed her for them to see her there.

"Hey guys. Tara." Buffy noted that she was with them. She wondered if Willow and Tara were making progress.

"Hey Buffy. We ran into Tara at the mall." Willow explained.

"It's good to see you guys together again." Buffy said softly.

"Well, we were just shopping." Tara clarified. She wished it could be more than that, but it wasn't. Not yet anyway.

"So, you found a dress?" Buffy asked Dawn.

"Yes. It's totally cool. I can't wait for Brian to see it." Dawn said with a huge grin.

"I'm sure he'll love it. But not too much." Buffy added with a stern look. "Keep the dress on." She told Dawn.

"Buffy…Embarrass me much?" Dawn said uncomfortably looking around at Willow and Tara, who were both smiling to themselves.

Willow looked at Buffy and noticed the band aids on her neck.

"What happened to your neck?" She asked curiously.

Buffy's hand immediately went to her wound and covered it with her hands.

"It's nothing. Just a scratch." She said quickly.

"Did you get bitten?" Dawn asked concerned.

"No." Buffy denied it.

"Are you sure?" Willow asked.

"Of course I'm sure. I think I'd remember being bitten." She said a little too harshly.

"Guys, she said she's fine. So let's just order our food, okay?" Tara interrupted, looking at Buffy knowingly.

Buffy gave her a thankful look and Tara nodded silently. Willow noticed their silent communication and opened her mouth to say something. Before she could, Buffy interrupted her thoughts.

"So what do you guys want? We're having a special. Free super sized fries if you order the number seven meal." Buffy said, relieved to have the subject changed.

"Okay. I-I'll have that." Tara smiled.

"Me too." Willow chimed in.

"I'll have the salad and a diet coke." Dawn told her.

"That's all? Are you a vegetarian now?" Buffy asked with a teasing smile.

"No. I just bought this awesome dress. I need to fit into it." Dawn pointed out.

"Good point." Buffy smiled.

They all got their orders and sat down to eat. Buffy watched them from the counter. They were smiling and laughing. Buffy knew she should sit and join them on her break. But instead, she slipped into the back and sat down in the break room. She wasn't sure she could face them all right now. She had been happy to see them at first. But then when her bite was discovered, she suddenly felt out of place with them. She had experienced things they'd never even imagine. Nor would they want to. Seeing their packages and their smiles brought home the fact that she was no longer part of that world.

There were no fun days of shopping. No school dances. No boy's timidly asking her to the prom. Her life was darkness, violence, and killing. She didn't have a crush on the boy next door. She was sleeping with a vampire. And none of it was new. Her life was virtually the same now as it had always been. Right down to the vampire boyfriend. Only this time, she knew her place. She didn't bother anymore trying to fit into their world. She didn't belong there, and she never had.

Several minutes later, Tara peeked her head in.

"Um, your boss said I could find you in here." Tara said quietly.

"Yeah. I was just resting my feet for a minute." Buffy said looking away from her.

"Can I sit down?"

"Where are Dawn and Willow?" Buffy asked.

"They finished. They wanted to say goodbye, but you'd disappeared." Tara pointed out.

"Sorry. I should have said something." Buffy admitted softly.

Tara sat down across from Buffy and took her hands gently.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" She asked.

"No."

Tara nodded her head.

"Okay. We don't have to talk about it." She said sympathetically.

Buffy looked up at her.

"You know, don't you?" She asked.

"The bite on your neck?" Tara offered quietly.

Buffy nodded her head slowly.

"It was Spike?" Tara asked.

"Yes."

"Did he hurt you?" Tara asked worried.

She felt angry with herself for thinking that Spike was still harmless. She knew that he could hurt Buffy now, but she never dreamed he would.

"No. He didn't hurt me." Buffy whispered softly.

"But he bit you."

"I know." Buffy told her.

Tara then realized what had happened. Her eyes got big and then she looked away from Buffy.

"Oh…I mean, wow. Y-you let him?" Tara stammered nervously.

Buffy nodded her head and looked down at her lap.

"I wanted him to." Buffy admitted shamefully.

Tara let go of Buffy's hands and sat back into her chair.

"Buffy…" She whispered softly.

"I know… I know. You think I'm disgusting. Sick and completely twisted, right?" Buffy said with tears forming in her eyes.

Tara grabbed her hands again and squeezed them tightly. She looked into her eyes.

"No. Never would I think that. Buffy, I'm just so concerned. T-that could be dangerous. He could hurt you. What if he can't stop?" Tara asked with concern in her voice.

"He'd never hurt me. Never. I trust him. If he wanted to kill me, I'd be dead already." Buffy told her as she reached up and wiped her eyes.

"I know he wouldn't mean to…But he is a vampire. A vampire who has been deprived of human blood for a really long time. What if it's just too much for him? What if he loses control?" Tara pointed out seriously.

"He won't. I know he won't." Buffy told her confidently.

Tara sat silently looking across the table at Buffy. She was at a loss for words. She suspected after their conversation last night that something like this might be going on. She'd read vampire novels before. She knew the sexual nature of biting and feeding. She just didn't realize that Buffy had allowed their relationship to progress that deeply.

"Do you hate me now?" Buffy whispered.

"No. I don't hate you. I just think that you need to be careful. I worry."

"You don't have to worry. I'm okay." Buffy reassured her.

"It's just kind of intense, that's all. I'm trying to understand." Tara said awkwardly.

"I know it's wrong."

"Then why are you doing it?" Tara asked quietly.

"Because I want to. I-I like it. It makes me feel…I can't describe it. It's not something you could understand." Buffy said shaking her head.

Tara wasn't sure what to say next. Buffy was right. She probably couldn't understand. She wanted to be supportive, but she was fearful that Buffy might get hurt.

"Just be careful." She told her finally.

"Please don't tell anyone about this. No one else can know. They really wouldn't understand." Buffy pleaded.

"I swore I'd never tell, and I meant it." Tara stated firmly.

Just then, Lorraine popped her head into the break room.

"Your break is over, Summers. We've got people waiting." She said brusquely.

Buffy looked over at Tara and stood up.

"I have to get back to work."

Tara got up and followed Buffy back out front. Tara turned to her and hugged her tightly.

"If you ever need to talk, call me. Anytime." She said into her ear.

"I will." Buffy smiled as they pulled away from each other.

They didn't see Willow across the room, staring at them. She had forgotten one of her packages and had come back in to retrieve it. She saw the hugging and the affectionate squeeze Tara gave Buffy's arm. Willow felt a pang of suspicion and jealously. Tara had said she was going to use the ladies room, but apparently she had gone and found Buffy.

Willow had also seen the strange glances they had given each other when they had all come into the restaurant together. All at once, Willow's mind began wandering. Tara had needed to see Buffy alone a few weeks ago. Buffy had expressly wanted Tara at her birthday party. _Could it be?_ She thought to herself. _No, it can't be…_ She told herself.

Just then, Tara walked over and saw Willow.

"You're back?" She asked.

"I-I forgot my package. What's up with Buffy? Where'd she go before?" Willow asked suspiciously.

"Oh, um, she just went in back to sit down. I ran into her on my way out of the bathroom." Tara lied.

"Oh…Well, Dawnie's waiting for me outside. I-I'll see you later?" Willow questioned suspiciously.

"Maybe." Tara smiled, still unsure about what was happening with her relationship with Willow.

Tara headed out and Willow walked after her. Dawn was waiting outside and Tara told her goodbye. She needed to get back home to study for an exam. Dawn noticed Willow's pained expression.

"It's hard, huh?" Dawn asked.

"What?"

"Seeing Tara? I know you miss her tons." Dawn sympathized.

"Yeah, I do." Willow whispered sadly.

"I can tell." Dawn said softly.

"Do Buffy and Tara get together a lot?" Willow asked curiously.

"Yeah, lately they have. They've gotten totally close." Dawn said with a shrug.

Willow just felt her heart drop into her stomach. She never in a million years would have suspected Buffy of having those kinds of feelings for Tara. Or any other woman for that matter. But Buffy was changing. She wasn't quite the same anymore. Willow supposed that if she could go from loving Oz, to loving Tara, it was possible for Buffy too.

Later that evening, Buffy was being bombarded by the dinner crowd. She was fed up with rude and demanding people. Sometimes she fantasized about unleashing a bunch of vampires on the crowd and watching them all die. It was sick, she knew, but these people were like a bunch of animals sometimes. Rude, obnoxious, animals.

Just then, a familiar customer emerged from the line and walked up to the register in front of everyone else. Buffy smiled when she saw him. Spike leaned over in front of the next patron in line.

"Hey! Wait your turn asshole." The guy muttered to Spike angrily.

"Keep your trap shut, mate. I'm talking to my lady." Spike said to him with irritation.

"You can't talk to our customers like that. It's rude." Buffy scolded him unconvincingly.

"I'm a bad, rude man." He smiled at her.

"What do you want?" She asked him, not even caring about the other people waiting in line.

"When are you off?" He asked her.

"Not until nine."

"You plan to stick around in this hell hole until nine?" He asked shaking his head.

She looked out at the line of people. They were all getting mad and yelling at Spike to get to the back of the line. It was maddening and chaotic. The people there had no respect for anyone. They wanted their greasy food now, and appeared ready to eat Spike if he didn't move.

She looked at Spike with a wicked grin.

"Get me out of here." She told him.

He smiled and reached over the counter. He grabbed Buffy by the waist and pulled her over. She looked back at one of her co-workers who was standing at the soda machine.

"I'm sick again. I'm leaving." She said, taking Spike's arm and heading out the door.

The customers appeared ready to rush the kitchen and everyone grumbled angrily at her departure. She didn't even look back or wait for a response from her co-worker. They got outside and Buffy started laughing.

"I'm sick alright. Sick of this place." She told Spike with a grin.

"You don't belong here. You know that." He said seriously.

"You're right. No one belongs here." She shook her head.

"Think they'll fire you?" He asked, suddenly considering the consequences.

Buffy shrugged.

"Who cares?"

Spike smirked at her and took her hand. Then he leaned over to kiss her. He noticed the band aids covering her neck. He touched them.

"What's this?" He asked.

"Oh, I had to cover that. I couldn't let the people at work see." She explained.

"Well, take it off. You're not at work anymore." He said peeling the bandages off.

He wanted to see the marks he left. He wanted the evidence of their bond to be visible. She let him remove them and toss them to the ground.

"I need to get out of these clothes." She said looking down at her ridiculous ensemble.

He looked at her suggestively.

"My place?" He offered.

She took his hand and pulled him with her. She craved him. She'd been feeling it all day, and now seeing him again just made the craving more intense. She didn't allow herself to consider the trouble she'd just caused herself at work. It didn't matter right now. Nothing mattered.

They tumbled through his front door. They were already all over each other. Waiting to get inside was nearly impossible. Somewhere along the journey to his crypt, she had discarded her stupid hat. She didn't remember tossing it away, but she didn't care. She was probably fired again anyway.

Spike pushed her against the wall and tore her shirt open, sending buttons flying everywhere. He squeezed her breasts roughly through her bra. He bent his head down and began kissing the swell of her breasts. She reached down and started pulling at the fabric of her bra. She was trying to free herself so that he didn't have to work around the material.

Finally she managed to pull herself out of her bra cup, and Spike's mouth immediately latched onto her. She cried out softly and dug her nails into his shoulders. He pressed her up against the wall harder and reached down to free himself from his pants. Buffy undid her own pants, and he let her go long enough to get them off of her.

Once she was nude, he picked her up and slammed her against the wall. She cried out at the force of the impact. And then again when she felt him thrust deeply into her.

"Oh god…" She panted, as she wrapped her legs around him tightly.

He plunged into her depths with total abandon. He couldn't see anything else but her. She clutched at him desperately. He kissed her mouth greedily and felt himself beginning to quake with desire.

His lips went to her neck again. He snaked his tongue out and licked across the puncture marks that he left before. He wanted to taste her again. He needed to. But he wouldn't do it if she didn't want it.

"Do it." She whispered hungrily. She needed release. She needed to feel the rush again.

He vamped out and sunk his teeth into her flesh again. They both shuddered violently and rocked against each other with pleasure. At last, they were spent and slunk to the ground. They were still entwined with each other, and Spike lifted his face from her neck and gazed into her eyes.

"You're amazing." He whispered to her.

"So are you." She complimented him breathlessly.

"You like it when I bite you?" He asked curiously. He knew she did, but he needed confirmation.

"Yes." She admitted softly.

"It doesn't scare you?"

"It does." She told him.

"But you still want me to?" He asked.

"I trust you." She said touching his face softly.

He pulled her to him tightly. This was what he had dreamed of for so long. Her denials were waning, and she was finally opening up to him. It was perfect. Like a fantasy. He would never be able to let her go after this. _Never_…He thought to himself.

They finally stood up and Buffy tried to gather her clothes. Spike zipped up his pants. Buffy turned around to find her underwear. When she did, she noticed that the crypt door was still open. They had been so wrapped up in their lust that they hadn't even made sure it was closed.

"Good thing most of the people out there can't talk." She said with a smile.

"What?"

"The door. It's wide open. If your neighbors weren't dead already, they'd have quite a story to tell." She said as she went over and slammed the door shut.

"Someone could have seen us." He said walking over to her and stroking her arm.

"Like who?"

"One of your friends." He offered.

"Right. Cause they're always popping over to your place to hang out." She said sarcastically.

"You have a point." He realized.

"Let's go downstairs." She said grabbing his arm excitedly.

She dragged him quickly behind her and he tripped over his own feet.

"Hey. What's the rush, Love?"

"I'm not satisfied." She told him seductively.

"Oh, you're not, are you?" He asked giving her a suggestive glance.

"Satisfy me." She said yanking his arm and shoving him down the ladder.

He tumbled off of it and landed flat on his back on the hard ground below. He looked up at her with a pained expression.

"That hurt." He complained.

"Yeah, but in a good way, right?" She said, leaping on top of him and straddling his legs.

He looked up at her with excitement and a little bewilderment. She was acting a little strange tonight. Different somehow. This Buffy was freer. Less bottled up and completely irresponsible. He liked it.

She leaned over him and kissed him frantically. Neither one of them were fully dressed anymore. Buffy had been so eager to get downstairs, that there wasn't time. She had her bra and panties on and nothing else. Spike merely had his jeans.

She ran her hands over his chest and traced the outlines of her previous scratch marks. She bent down to kiss them and he closed his eyes. He savored the feel of her tongue across his flesh. She was tasting him, drinking him in.

Just as he settled into her tenderness, she sprang up and stood over him. She grabbed his shoulders and lifted him up to his feet. She dragged him over towards the bed and pushed him backwards. He lay sprawled on his back as she leapt onto him again.

She straddled his legs and he reached up to touch her breasts. She grabbed his arms and pushed them back over his head.

"No." She said with devious glint in her eye.

"What?" He asked confused.

"I said no. This is my game, and you don't get to touch." She explained to him.

She reached over and grabbed the handcuffs that he enjoyed so much. She secured his wrists above his head and relished his look of anticipation. She undid his pants and slid them off his body.

"What sort of naughty things are you going to do to me?" He whispered excitedly.

"I'm not doing anything to you." She said innocently.

He gave her a curious expression. She stood up on her knees, still straddling his legs. She ran her hands over her lace covered breasts and looked at him.

"You said you liked to watch me." She purred seductively.

His eyes grew big and let out a slow breath.

"Oh yes." He nodded his head slowly.

"Well, you can look, but you can't touch."

She ran her hand between her thighs. She caressed herself over her panties and watched for his reaction. He bit his lip and made a low guttural sound. She smiled.

"Is that good? You like that?" She asked.

"Keep going." He urged her.

She then removed her bra and tossed it at him. It landed on his stomach and he closed his eyes momentarily. When he opened them, she was caressing her naked breasts. Running her hands over them slowly. She took her nipples between her fingers and pinched them lightly. She moaned at her own touch and threw her head back.

He wanted to grab her so badly, but he couldn't. He pulled on his restraints to no avail. She then climbed up his body and straddled his chest. She leaned over so that her breasts were in his face, but just out of reach. He tried to move his head closer but then she pulled back with a wicked laugh.

She slid her hand into her panties and began rubbing her fingers over herself. She moaned and closed her eyes. He watched as she pleasured herself, completely out of his grasp. She then pulled her panties off slowly, and climbed up him again. She ran her panties over his cheek and across his face.

He could smell her desire and it drove him wild. All he could do was moan softly. If only he could touch her. If only she would touch him. But she wouldn't. She ran her fingers down her stomach and back between her legs again. She began rubbing herself quicker and harder. He felt his erection ready to burst. If she touched him, it would be all over.

He watched intently, as her fingers slid deeper, until they disappeared into her depths. She cried out softly and began moving them in and out of her body. She opened her eyes and looked at him straining against the handcuffs.

"You want that to be you, don't you? Inside me." She said huskily.

"Let me." He pleaded with her.

She enjoyed that the balance of power between them had shifted. It wasn't him telling her what to do. It wasn't him trying to control her. She was in control of him now. In a way, she always had been. It took his urging to get her to open her eyes to what she really wanted. But he had. He'd given her a taste of his power. And it wasn't something she wanted to lose.

"I want you, Buffy." He pleaded with her again.

She smiled and closed her eyes again. She continued what she was doing. She felt herself nearing her peak and she reached down and grabbed his erection. He groaned loudly with satisfaction at finally being touched. She lifted herself over him and plunged herself down onto him. They both cried out and began to shudder. Their bodies rocked with bliss, until finally Buffy collapsed onto his chest.

He still couldn't move his arms, and he strained to touch her. Finally she looked up at him and smiled.

"I think I'm satisfied." She told him.

"You are?" He asked surprised.

"For now." She clarified with a smirk.

She moved herself off of him and retrieved the handcuff key. She undid his wrists and lay beside him. She felt happy and content. Gone was the guilt and shame she felt before. It was replaced with confidence and excitement. She was having fun. This was her life now, and she was going to enjoy it. She didn't care anymore about wrong or right, or good and bad. All of that was meaningless now. Her acceptance of her life made her feel powerful and strong. It was an intoxicating feeling.

Spike reached out and stroked her arm. He admired her muscular body. Perfect to him in every way. The things that body could do, he never imagined. She was a pleasure machine. He learned something new about her every time they were together. It was exhilarating.

After their bliss settled, Spike looked at her.

"Do you think you're going to lose your job because of tonight?" He asked seriously.

"I told you, I don't care." She said casually.

"Yeah, I know. Believe me, I hated seeing you in that horrendous place. But what about the money? I know you need it." He told her softly.

"You said you could get me money." She said, turning over and looking him in the eye.

"I did say that. But you didn't want me to."

"Well, I changed my mind. You can take care of me. That's what you said you wanted to do, right?" She told him.

He looked at her confused. This wasn't like her to be so agreeable with him. Especially when it came to something like this.

"Are you sure? I mean, you realize my money isn't exactly made the old fashioned way." He pointed out.

"I don't care. Money is money." She shrugged.

"That's not what you said before. You said—."

"I was stupid. I can't flip burgers forever. It's not like that was a career choice. It was desperation. I didn't belong there. I belong here, with you." She said kissing his cheek.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with Buffy?" He asked, only half joking.

"What? You mean I can't change my mind. You were right. I'm a creature of darkness, just like you. I belong in this world." She told him.

He just stared at her. It was everything he'd always wanted to hear from her, and yet somehow it just didn't seem right. It didn't seem like Buffy.

"Love, maybe you should think about this." He said skeptically.

She sat up and glared at him.

"You don't want me here with you? I mean, if you don't want to help me—."

"I didn't say that. You know I'll help you. It's just, are you sure you really mean what you say?" He asked.

"Isn't that what you wanted to hear? You were right. I was fighting it, but you were right. Shouldn't you be a little happier and less annoying?" She asked, irritated.

He sighed and nodded his head.

"I am happy."

"Good then." She smiled as she snuggled into him.

He couldn't shake the uneasiness that settled over him. Something was off. He just pushed it back and held her tightly. She belonged to him now. She said so herself. Nothing else mattered.

"I'm feeling antsy again." She said with a sigh.

"You wanna go another round?" He asked with a grin.

"I need to kill something." She said smiling at him.

Then she jumped off the bed and searched his room for her clothes. She realized that they were still upstairs. And then she realized she only had her work uniform. That would never do. The vampires would die laughing before she even got a chance to stake them.

"Do you have a shirt I can wear?" She asked him.

"Yeah. Check the closet." He pointed over to the other side of the room.

"The closet? You built a closet in here?" She asked.

"Well, it's more of a shower bar between two rocks, but it works." He pointed out as he slipped his pants on again.

She went over and grabbed a red shirt. She buttoned it up and tied it in a knot at her waist.

"I need to go get my pants." She told him as she headed up the ladder.

He watched her go and grinned to himself. This was his heaven. The woman he loved was with him. They made wild love, and now they were out for a hunt. It was almost like old times for him. Only Buffy wasn't insane like Dru, and she also wasn't a vampire. But it didn't matter. It was still the same. Love and violence. His two all consuming passions.

It was after eleven when Buffy finally made her way home. She hadn't wanted to leave Spike, but she knew she had to. They had gone patrolling and dusted at least seven vampires. It was wonderful. Afterwards they had taken each other again. Behind a gravestone in the cemetery. Anyone could have seen them. Buffy didn't care. It was part of the thrill.

Once they were spent, she had reluctantly headed home. It had been Spike who told her she needed to go, or Dawn might worry about her. After all she was supposed to be working. If it was found out she had left, Dawn might be concerned.

Buffy opened her front door and stepped inside. Willow was sitting on the couch absently watching TV. When Buffy walked in, she stood up.

"Buffy! Are you alright?" She asked.

"I'm fine. Why?"

"Your boss called. She said you left without saying anything. Where were you?" Willow asked with concern and irritation.

"I did say something. I told them I was sick." Buffy shrugged.

"But you're not sick. Are you? And what are you wearing? Whose shirt is that?" Willow asked.

"Twenty questions, much? Will, it's not really any of your business where I was." Buffy snapped.

Willow shrank back, hurt at Buffy's harshness. Then she stood up straight again. She looked at her accusingly.

"You think I don't know what's going on? I know. I have eyes." Willow told her. She was becoming convinced that Buffy and Tara were seeing each other secretly.

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked, suddenly nervous that Willow was on to her and Spike.

"The secret meetings? The stolen glances? Your birthday party? I-I know about you two. How could you do this?" Willow asked tearfully.

Buffy's heart dropped into her stomach. Willow knew. All that hiding and lying was for nothing. Willow already knew. Buffy took a deep breath, and held her ground.

"I'm sorry you don't approve. But truthfully, it's not your business." Buffy said confidently.

"So it is true?"

"Yes, it's true." Buffy said crossing her arms across her chest protectively.

"I thought you were my friend? How could you do this to me?" Willow asked sadly.

"This isn't about you. This has nothing to do with you." Buffy pointed out.

"It has everything to do with me. How can you even say that?"

"Who I sleep with is none of your business." Buffy said firmly.

"It is my business. When you're sleeping with my ex, it becomes my business!" Willow shouted at her.

Buffy stared at her completely confused.

"What? Your ex?" She asked.

"Yes. You know I still love Tara. You know I want to get back with her. And now this? You just sneak in behind my back—."

"Whoa. Wait. Back up, Will. Tara? We're talking about Tara?" Buffy asked completely befuddled.

"Yes, Tara. Who else?" Willow said giving Buffy a sad look.

Buffy just stared at her. She felt like an idiot. Willow was talking about Tara. Not Spike. She still had no idea. Buffy didn't know what to say. Willow noticed Buffy's confused silence.

"We weren't talking about Tara?" Willow asked quietly.

"No." Buffy said softly.

Willow felt a huge weight lift from her shoulders. But then confusion sank in.

"Who were _you_ talking about?" She asked.

"No one." Buffy said looking at her feet.

Her earlier confidence was waning. She had immediately gone on the defensive when she thought Willow knew. Now that she didn't, Buffy didn't feel as sure of herself.

Willow looked Buffy over. The shirt looked familiar. It was too large for her. And it was definitely nothing Willow had seen Buffy wear before. Then her eyes traveled to Buffy's throat. The bandages were gone, and the bite mark was exposed. In Willow's heated delusions of Buffy and Tara, she hadn't even noticed it. Then she remembered Spike's jacket. Buffy had been wearing it before. Suddenly the pieces fell into place.

"Spike? You and Spike?" Willow asked softly.

Buffy looked at her feet and nodded her head silently.

"Oh my god…And that? That's from him?" Willow asked, pointing to her neck.

Buffy covered it with her hand and looked at her friend.

"Yes."

"How? His chip? I-it doesn't work?" Willow asked confused.

"Not on me it doesn't. One of those pesky little side effects of being brought back from the dead, I guess." Buffy told her with a shrug.

"Buffy are you insane? Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Willow asked utterly terrified for Buffy.

"I'm not insane." Buffy protested defensively.

"Then why? How? Why?" Willow asked shaking her head.

"It's complicated. And as I said before, it's not your business." Buffy said feeling her confidence again.

Willow was speechless. She had no idea what to say, or how to react.

"B-but what about Tara? The looks? The secrets?" Willow asked, trying to make sense of it.

"She knew. Tara knew." Buffy told her.

"Tara knew? Who else knows? Why didn't you tell me?" Willow inquired with hurt feelings.

"No one else knows. Just Tara. And I couldn't tell you."

"But you could tell Tara? I'm supposed to be your best friend." Willow said tearfully.

"Tara understood. She didn't call me insane. Maybe that's why I didn't tell you." Buffy said calmly.

Willow stared at her silently. She felt badly for making Buffy think she couldn't talk to her anymore. But how could she not say anything? This was dangerous and scary and very wrong. Willow couldn't just sit back and say it was okay.

"I'm going to bed. We're done talking." Buffy said as she turned around and headed up the stairs.

Willow sat down on the couch again and stared at the TV. She had no idea what to do with this information. Willow could maybe understand Buffy being drawn to Spike. He was persistent. And he obviously cared for Buffy a great deal. But it was clear that their relationship was much more complex than just a kiss and a cuddle. It was serious. Seriously wrong.

Weeks passed and Willow and Buffy were barely speaking. It was Buffy's coldness that came between them. Willow wanted to understand. She wanted to help her. But Buffy just avoided her at all costs. Willow was devastated. Buffy pretended not to notice. She just couldn't bring herself to care. Willow was part of another life. One she didn't belong to anymore. She had better things to think about than whether or not Willow was happy.

Buffy hadn't been fired from her job, much to her dismay. But when she was scheduled to come in again, she merely blew them off. Eventually, they stopped calling her. She hadn't told anyone that she was unemployed again. She'd pretend to go to work, and would go see Spike instead. He had been giving her what little cash he could, but Buffy knew it wasn't enough. She was behind in most of her bills and her credit card was over the limit.

She tried not to think about it. She knew she was being irresponsible and selfish, but right now she couldn't bring herself to be any other way. She met up with Spike outside his crypt.

"Hey. Ready?" She asked him.

"Yeah. I've got a lead on something. We should head out now." He told her.

They started walking quickly through the graveyard.

"What kind of lead?"

"Just some nasties down by the waterfront. I overheard some people talking. Seems like they're kidnapping people, and selling them into some kind of slavery." He explained.

"That happened to me once." She said thoughtfully.

"What?"

"It was a few years ago. Got sent to hell to slave for eternity. It didn't work out. The hours weren't flexible enough, and they didn't have a dental plan." She said jokingly.

He chuckled at that.

"So what happened?"

"I killed them." She shrugged.

"You've never been able to hold a job, have you?" He teased her.

"Shut up. Jobs are too much…well, like work. I'm a free spirit."

"That you are."

"Besides, I have a job." She said to him.

"Maybe you should start charging." He offered.

"You sound like Anya. She suggested that." She said shaking her head.

"And what? You shot it down?" He asked curiously.

"Who am I gonna charge? Send a bill to the families of all the vamps I dust? Hi, I just jabbed a sharp piece of wood through your dearly departed relative. I saved the world, give me money." She said mockingly.

"No, I'm just saying there's probably money to be made somewhere." He shrugged.

She pondered his words and they kept walking. Finally they reached the warehouse where the slavery ring was supposedly setting up shop.

"How many are we dealing with?" She asked quietly.

"About ten. There could be people in there too. Slaves." He explained.

"Okay, then. Let's go." She took a deep breath and they kicked in the door.

Several demons were milling about and were taken completely off guard by the intrusion. Immediately they sprang into action. Buffy and Spike started throwing punches and kicks in various directions. For a few minutes things were chaotic. Once they were down to four demons, Buffy noticed that there were two men chained to a wall. They were frightened and dirty looking. It was clear they weren't being treated with much hospitality.

"Get those people out of here!" Buffy shouted at Spike.

He was closest to them and he grabbed and axe off of a table and hacked away at the chains holding the hostages. The two men fell to the ground and Spike yelled at them.

"Run! Get the hell out of here!"

The men scrambled to their feet and ran for the door. Buffy managed to slash another demon across the chest and he went down. Spike took on two more that were definitely not pleased he let the hostages go. Buffy was able to defeat her demon and stopped for a minute to look around. This was a slavery ring. A business. These demons sold people to the black market for God knows what. A business like that would make an awful lot of money, she thought to herself.

Just as Spike was getting ready to take out the last remaining demon, Buffy stepped between them. She grabbed the demons neck and shoved him against the wall. Spike stood back and watched her curiously. He had it under control, but for some reason she felt the need to step in.

"You make a lot of money selling slaves?" Buffy asked the demon as she pinned him against the wall. She put her knife to his throat and pressed with just enough force to draw blood.

"What?" The demon choked out nervously. He knew he was going to die just as all his partners had.

Spike had no idea what Buffy was doing.

"I'm just curious. A nasty business like this must pull in a pretty penny, right?" She asked him.

"We did alright."

"Where do you keep the money? I'm assuming you don't have an ATM card or anything." She said pressing the knife in deeper.

"Buffy, what's with all the small talk. Just kill him and let's go." Spike said impatiently.

She looked over her shoulder at Spike and smiled wickedly.

"There's money to be had here, Spike." She told him.

He looked at her and smiled. Now he was getting it. She never failed to surprise him these days. Buffy looked back at the demon who was struggling to free himself from her grasp.

"Where is it?" She demanded.

"Why should I tell you?" He choked.

Buffy shrugged.

"You shouldn't, I guess. I mean, I'm gonna kill you either way. But if you tell me, it will hurt a little less." She said matter of factly.

"It's over there." He said pointing a shaky finger at an old shipping crate. Spike walked over and opened it. There was a pile of money lying at the bottom of the crate. He smiled. Buffy could tell that the demon had given up the goods. She turned back to him.

"Thanks. It was a pleasure doing business with you." She said with a smile.

She then jabbed her knife into his gut and twisted it around. The demon screamed out in pain. With one swift move, she yanked up on the knife, effectively splitting the demon wide open. He dropped to the ground and lay in a huge puddle of demon blood. She turned around satisfied with her work and looked at Spike.

"I thought you said it would hurt less if he told you?" Spike asked her.

"I lied." She said casually, coming over to see their newfound riches.

Spike leaned over and kissed her hard. She returned his passion and they started pawing at each other. The excitement of the fight and the ultimate victory was getting to them. Finally Buffy pulled away from him.

"Get our stuff. Let's go." She said anxiously.

Spike picked up the crate and they both walked out into the night. They made their way back to Spike's place and went inside. Spike dropped the crate down and they both sat down on the ground. They opened it up and saw that there was at least three thousand dollars there. Buffy held a wad of it in her hands and stared at Spike.

"Will you look at this? This is unbelievable." She said in awe.

"You're a genius, you realize? This was perfect. I told you that there was money to be had." He pointed out.

"I know. I mean, why didn't I ever think of this before?" She wondered aloud.

"Something to do with dirty money maybe?"

"Well, I'm over that. This is my new thing. Kill a bad guy, reap the rewards." She said happily.

He smiled at her.

"You were fantastic tonight. I've never seen you like that before."

"Like what?"

"You were…I don't know…bad. It was sexy." He told her suggestively as he ran his hand up her arm.

"I can be bad. I can be very, very bad." She whispered back to him, as she crawled into his lap.

"Show me." He purred into her ear.

She began kissing him hungrily. She pushed his jacket over his shoulders and tore it off. She started biting at his neck and clawing at his chest. She ripped his shirt open and pushed him backwards. The tumbled together into the side of the money crate. It tipped over and the money spilled out onto the floor.

She pinned his arms down with one hand and began undoing his pants with the other. Once she got them undone, he forced his arms up and grabbed her around the waist. He flipped them over and landed on top of her. He kissed her neck and pulled open her shirt. He kissed at her breasts and bit at them through the fabric of her bra. She moaned and scratched her nails across his chest. He reached down and tugged at her sweatpants.

He removed them fully, along with her panties. He moved his pants around his hips and attempted to enter her. She pushed him backwards and he landed on top of the pile of money. She leapt onto him and straddled him. She needed to be in control. She lowered herself onto him and began grinding herself against him. He groaned loudly as she dug her nails into his thighs.

She looked down at him.

"Tell me you belong to me." She ordered him breathlessly.

"I belong to you, pet." He said hoarsely.

"You're mine." She told him as she bent down and kissed him forcefully.

Her pace quickened and she cried out with utter abandon. He sat himself up and moved so that she was straddling his lap. Her movements never faltered. He buried his face into her neck and sunk his fangs in just as she was coming. She cried out and pushed him backwards again. He looked up at her and saw the wildness in her eyes. She bent down and bit his neck too. He gasped with pleasure and surprise. She tasted his blood on her tongue and she began sucking at his neck. He fell into bliss and moaned loudly. As he came down, she pulled her head away from his neck.

He looked at her and saw the blood on her lips. She smiled at him.

"Was that bad enough for you?" She asked huskily.

He just stared at her. It had been incredible as usual. But something in her eyes looked different. She looked primal, almost like an animal. It was a hungry look. One he'd never seen on her before. It was a little unnerving. He decided to ignore it, and just smiled.

She curled up next to him and they lay together amidst the scattered money. Tonight had really opened up her eyes. Taking that money had felt good. It was like a high. She had this power inside of her. One that she'd never fully used. She spent so much time denying it. But she was done with that. Instead of using her fate as a burden, she should have been using it as a gift. Just about every demon in town feared her. She always thought she was just a girl. But she was so much more than that. She was a Slayer. And being a Slayer meant power and respect.

She could do things that no ordinary person could get away with. Normal rules didn't apply to her, because the world she walked in wasn't normal. Spike had shown her that. Being with him had changed everything for her. She had the ultimate power over him. He freely admitted that he'd do anything for her. He gave her money, he gave her his love, he gave her pleasure. And most of all, he gave her permission to be what she was destined to be. They were both creatures of darkness.

A Slayer was never meant to lead a regular life. She was born to hunt, and born to kill. Just like him. Their prey may have been vastly different, but their needs were the same. She saw that now. Spike had told her that as soon as she realized that, her life would get a whole lot easier. He wasn't lying. Everything had just fallen into place.

Three weeks had gone by now. Buffy was settling into her newfound confidence. Life seemed good for the first time in a long while. No more demeaning job. No more hiding from what she really was. Things seemed simple now. Buffy made her way to Spike's place again. Spike said he had something for her tonight. Money that he had acquired in a bet. He was giving her half of it.

The riches they had gained earlier had been wonderful. Buffy was able to pay for her overdue electric bill and her mortgage payment. Plus she had enough left over to get a few things for herself. Unfortunately, it still hadn't been enough to sustain her long. She still had a huge credit card bill to pay. She hoped that whatever Spike gave her tonight would cover it.

She walked through his door and found him waiting.

"I'm here. Show me what you've got." She said with greedy anticipation.

He smiled at her and shook his head.

"What? No hello? No kiss? Just hand over the money?" He joked with her.

"I'm greedy. Besides, I still have a prom dress to pay off. You know how expensive those things are?" She asked.

"Sorry, Love. I haven't purchased one of those lately. And what the hell do you need a prom dress for?" He asked confused.

"Not for me. It was for Dawn. She needed it for some dance." Buffy explained.

"Oh, right. Well, here you go." He said handing over a stack of bills.

She sifted through it, trying to mentally tabulate it.

"It's three hundred." He pointed out.

"That's it?" She pouted.

"What? That's not enough?" He asked, a little put out that she wasn't more grateful.

"No. I mean, it's fine. I just thought it'd be more." She explained.

"Well, I can give you the rest. But I gotta live too, you realize. Blood and smokes aren't cheap." He told her.

She thought about it for a moment. She needed more. And if he was offering, well, she supposed she couldn't refuse. But then she remembered something.

"No. Keep it. I just got a better idea." She said happily.

He looked at her curiously.

"What sort of idea?"

"Well, I know of someone. This demon guy. He's an informant. I've used him a few times. He trades cash for info. You know, like you used to do before you became all noble?" She said, raising her eyebrow.

"Hey! I'm not noble." He protested.

"Well, then before I had you wrapped around my little finger." She told him flippantly.

He took offense to that. He didn't want her to think she controlled him. Or that everything he did was because they were sleeping together. He was no pussy whipped fool.

"You don't have me wrapped around anything." He said pushing her against the wall.

"I'm sorry. Is that a touchy subject? Face it. You'll do whatever I ask, because you want to fuck me." She said matter of factly.

He growled at her angrily.

"You think that's why I do it? So I can fuck you? I risked my bloody neck for you a million times, never getting anything from you but hatred!" He shouted at her.

"Calm down. Get a grip. Like I really care why you help me." She said amused at his anger.

"Do you even care about anything anymore?" He asked angrily as he let go of her shoulders and moved away from her.

"Yes. Right now I care about getting money. Do you even want to hear my plan?" She asked with irritation.

He just stared at her. It was like looking at someone else.

"Fine. What's your brilliant plan?" He relented.

"Well, this informant, he has lots of cash. He does a brisk business. I say we pay him a visit." She explained.

"And what? Ask him to tell us where to get money?"

"No. We rob him. Plain and simple. He's a real wimp. He won't even fight back. It's perfect." She told him happily.

"Rob him?"

"Yeah."

"But why?"

"Why not? He's a demon. A weasel. He takes other people's money. So we'll just take his." She rationalized.

"But he hasn't done anything wrong. People willingly give him that money."

"Well, people willingly gave money to those slavery demons too. It's not a big deal." She shrugged.

"But this is different. Those guys were selling people, this guy is just selling information." He said shaking his head.

"God! What is your problem? Not noble, my ass. This isn't wrong. It's like Robin Hood. Steal from the rich, give to the poor. In this case, we're the poor." She explained to him.

He just stared at her. As much as he loved causing trouble, this just didn't seem right. The last time seemed justifiable, but this time it seemed cruel. This wasn't like Buffy. But he didn't voice his objections.

"Are you coming or not? Cause I can do this without you." She told him.

"I'm coming." He said reluctantly, as they headed out the door.

They walked silently to the informant's lair. Buffy pushed the door open and walked inside. Spike followed behind her. They came upon a green skinned demon, sitting in a chair watching I Love Lucy reruns. He stood up nervously when he saw who his visitors were.

"Hey! Slayer! W-what are you doing here?" He asked nervously.

"I need something from you." She said grabbing him by the collar.

"Sure. Whatever you need. I'm running a discount right now. Twice the info, for half the price. Course, that's just for you." He said anxiously.

Spike watched as Buffy shoved the demon against the stone wall. She looked over at Spike.

"The money is over there." She said indicating a wooden trunk, lying in the corner.

Spike went over and opened it up. He saw at least a thousand dollars there, arranged in neat stacks.

"W-what the hell are you doing? That's my money." The demon protested.

"Correction. It's my money." She said wickedly. Then she glanced at Spike. "Are we happy?" She asked him.

Spike picked up the money and held it up.

"We're happy." He told her as he started stuffing it into his pockets.

"Hey! You can't do that!" The demon shouted.

Buffy wrapped her hands around his throat and squeezed tightly. He began to choke.

"See, I _can _do that. I'm the Slayer, and you're nothing. I own this town. I can do whatever I want." She told him heatedly.

Spike stared at her in disbelief. She was acting crazy.

"Buffy, let's go. I've got the money." He urged her.

She ignored him.

"The way I see it, I'm doing a service to the people. Taking money just to rat out the people who trust you?" She released his throat and shoved him to the ground. She stood over him, as he gasped for air. "Well, that's just wrong." She said with a laugh.

The demon stared up at her in shock and disbelief. She kicked him in the stomach and turned around to face Spike.

"Let's go." She said pleased with herself.

Spike watched her walk out the door and couldn't help but glance back at the fallen demon. He looked up at Spike. It was an expression of confusion and dismay. Spike felt pity on him. He'd been in his shoes before. Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out some of the money. He tossed it back onto the ground and walked out the door.

Once they were both outside Buffy started laughing excitedly.

"That was such a rush! Did you see him? He was freaking out! Hey! You can't do that!" She mocked the informant's reaction. "Priceless." She proclaimed, pleased with herself.

"Yeah, it was a real good time." He said without enthusiasm.

"I can't believe how easy that was!" She exclaimed happily.

"Yeah, we're a regular Bonnie and Clyde." He muttered.

"Only with better clothes." She pointed out, indicating their matching leather jackets and dark jeans.

"Can we get out of here now, or is there a liquor store you wanna knock over first?" He asked shaking his head.

"We can go. I wanna see how much we got." She took his hand and pulled him with her.

He followed her, not saying a word. They entered his crypt and she began sifting through his jacket pockets. She pulled out the wads of cash and held them up.

"Look at this. I think I'm going to buy something nice for myself." She said thoughtfully, as she stuffed some money into her jacket.

"I thought this money was for Dawn? And your bills?" He asked.

"It is. But I've got to get a little something too. I earned it."

"Yeah, you earned it alright." He muttered sarcastically.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped at him.

"Buffy, that wasn't right. That poor bloke was just trying to make a living." He pointed out.

"Oh, spare me. He's a demon." She scoffed.

"Yeah. What's your point? He wasn't hurting anyone. Just because he's a demon, you think you can do what you want?" He asked angrily.

"Yes."

He grabbed her and shoved her against the crypt wall. She stared at him with surprise at his force.

"Is that what you're doing with me? You can do what you want because I'm just a demon? I don't matter?" He asked her venomously.

"What do you care? You're getting what you want out of this deal. You wanted me with you. You wanted me to join you in the darkness, remember? Well, I'm here. And you know what? I'm loving it. I don't understand why you aren't thrilled. You got everything you wanted." She told him heatedly, as she broke free from his grasp.

He stared at her incredulously. There was truth in her words. He did want her to embrace her darkness. He urged her to join him in his world. The only problem with that was her idea of his world wasn't the same as what he believed it to be. He wanted her to stop fighting her nature, and just give in to the passion that they shared. He saw her as an outsider, just like he was. He had pulled her in, but instead of keeping each other afloat, she was sinking.

"This isn't what I wanted." He admitted softly.

"You should be careful what you wish for then." She told him.

"I don't know what kind of game your playing, but it's over." He told her.

"I'm not playing games. This is me. And I'm the one who gets to say it's over."

He grabbed her again and slammed her against the wall.

"You don't control me." He grumbled at her.

"Yes, I do." She told him angrily.

His grip tightened and pressed her back against the wall harder.

"Wrong. I don't know what kind of power trip you're on, but it ends now." He spat at her.

"You don't get to tell me what to do!" She yelled at him.

"Yes I bloody well do! You are mine, and I say this ends." He said pressing himself against her.

She pushed him backwards with all her force. He tumbled to the ground. She leapt on top of him and wrapped her hand around his throat. She pulled out her stake and held it above his chest. She glared down at him, full of fury.

"Who's in control now, Spike? Me or you?" She asked evilly. "I can kill you with a flick of my wrist. The only reason you're still here is because of me. Because I _let_ you live."

He just stared up at her in disbelief. He made no move to try and stop her. Her hand was squeezing his throat so tightly he could barely speak.

"You wanna kill me? Go ahead. You like it when they don't fight back, don't you?" He choked out.

She released her grip but kept her stake poised above his heart.

"What?" She asked.

"I said you like it when they don't fight back. Does it make you feel all powerful? You feel special? Does destroying me make you feel good?" He asked her.

She stared down into his eyes. Then she looked at the stake in her hand. He was onto her. He saw right through her. She could feel herself slipping over the edge. She dropped her stake and scrambled to her feet.

"I-I need to get out of here." She said, running for the door.

"Buffy! Get back here! This isn't finished!" He shouted after her.

She ignored him and slammed the door behind her. He lay there on the ground, and stared up at the ceiling. Something was wrong with her. This wasn't his Buffy. This wasn't the girl he fell in love with. Something had completely snapped. It had been coming for months. He thought the worst of it was over when she had gone psycho and nearly killed him in that alley way. But apparently, that was just the beginning.

A sane person would have just packed up and headed out of town. Nothing worse for a vampire than an insane, vengeful Slayer. But he couldn't abandon her. Not like this. He loved her too much. If something was wrong with her, he needed to know what it was. As far as he knew, Buffy had never even bothered to wonder why he could hit her. He assumed she didn't care what she was now.

And at first, he didn't either. He thought it would bring her down to his level. Make her realize that they were more alike than she wanted to admit. But it hadn't worked the way he planned. They _had_ gotten closer. They had shared something so intense and amazing, that being away from her felt like dying all over again. But in the end, she was slipping further away from him. He couldn't let that happen.

Buffy ran home and flew up the stairs. She didn't bother saying hello to Dawn who was sitting on the couch. She went into her room and shut the door quickly. She stood there out of breath and looked around her room.

She saw all the frilly things she had in there. Lace pillow shams, flowery pictures on the walls. Everything was so cheerful and bright. It made her sick. She walked over to her bed and pulled the lacy shams off her pillows. She tossed them in the corner. She then went to her dresser and began removing anything that didn't belong there anymore. All the reminders of her old life needed to be destroyed.

She looked up in the midst of her frantic cleaning and saw her reflection again. She stared at it intently. She felt nothing but contempt for the person staring back at her. The person she perceived as a cold, unfeeling monster.

"That isn't me." She said to her reflection.

She hauled her fist back and smashed the mirror to pieces. She didn't want to look at herself anymore. Life was easier without having to see yourself everyday. If she didn't have a reflection, nothing could bother her anymore. _There's only one way to make that happen…_She thought to herself.

The pain she carried inside of her was suffocating. The guilt and shame over what she had become was more than she could bear. She found herself desperately wanting the numbness to return. Feeling nothing, was better than feeling this. She would wish for death again, but she feared Heaven might not take her back. She was cold and evil and completely devoid of humanity already. Maybe if she lost her soul, she could be free again. That was if she had any part of her soul left.

This was what she had to do. She was already a monster. She already craved violence and blood. This would just complete her. Make her feel whole again. To become what she was taught to fear, would be a fitting end for her. In her eyes, that was what she had already become.

She turned around quickly and opened her door to rush out. Dawn and Willow were standing there with a look of total alarm and dismay.

"Buffy, what's going on? What happened?" Willow asked, scared for her friend.

"Nothing. I have to go." She said quickly, pushing past them.

Willow grabbed her arm.

"No! Buffy, not until you tell us what is going on with you." Willow said firmly.

"Don't touch me!" Buffy shouted at her as she wrenched her arm free.

Dawn couldn't help herself, and started to cry softly. Buffy was scaring her. She didn't know what was happening to her sister.

"Buffy, stop. Please." Dawn pleaded with her.

Buffy looked at her and saw the pain she was causing. It seemed all she ever did was cause pain. Everything she did, and everything she touched, she destroyed. She couldn't take the guilt anymore.

"Dawn…I'm sorry. I…I'm sorry." She said, as she ran past them and went down the stairs.

Before Dawn or Willow could catch up to her, Buffy was gone. Dawn started sobbing and Willow pulled her close.

"It's okay, Dawnie. She's just going through some stuff. She'll get better." Willow tried to reassure her.

"When? She's getting worse, not better. She doesn't even care about me anymore. She doesn't care about any of us." Dawn cried.

"She does. I know she does." Willow said, not entirely convinced of that fact anymore.

Buffy charged into Spike's crypt and found him sitting in his chair. He had been lost in thought and jumped up startled at her intrusion.

"Buffy?" He asked, wondering if she was there to go through with it. Kill him once and for all.

She hurried over to him and grabbed him by the shirt. She looked up at him with a crazed look in her eyes.

"Change me." She pleaded.

"What?" He asked with confusion.

"Change me. Make me into somebody else. Take this pain away. I don't want to feel it anymore." She told him desperately.

"Buffy have you gone mad?" He asked horrified at her suggestion.

"Please, I can't do this. Make it stop. I know you can make it stop. Make me whole." She told him with tears in her eyes.

He grabbed her shoulders and tried to calm her down.

"Stop this now! Think about what you're saying." He told her seriously.

"I know what I'm saying. I want to be like you. Make me like you." She told him.

He stared at her in disbelief. He shoved her down to the ground and moved away from her.

"I'm not going to kill you."

"I don't want you to kill me. I want you make me alive. We can be together forever." She said trying to convince him.

"What is this? Some kind of weird game? You don't like your life anymore, so you want mine?" He asked angrily.

The thought that she would ask this of him made him sick inside.

"Maybe." She whispered almost inaudibly.

"Get a grip on yourself. You think that by becoming a monster, suddenly your life is easy?" He began to pace in front of her anxiously.

"Don't tell me it's not easier! You know it is. You don't have to look at yourself everyday. You don't care about the things you've done. You don't have to feel the guilt and the pain. I'm already a monster. You can make it okay for me to be like this." She implored him.

"You think I don't feel pain?" He snapped at her.

"Not like I do."

"Quit being so selfish and listen to yourself. What about Dawn? What about your friends? What about their pain? You still have no idea what it was like for us when you were gone. Now you wanna put them through that again? You want it to be that much worse for them, knowing that you've become everything you've been fighting against your whole life?" He pleaded with her desperately.

"I don't care…God, I don't care. I can't care about anything." She whispered sadly.

"God…What's happened to you?" He whispered sadly.

"You can help me." She said as she took his hands and held them to her chest.

"Not like that. I won't do it. I love you too much." He stated firmly.

She looked at him and her lip began to quiver. She tried to push back her tears. She was so lost. Completely off the deep end and drowning. She reached out for the one person she felt could save her, and he denied her.

She bit her tears back and stared at him. She shoved him to the ground angrily.

"I knew you wouldn't save me." She told him as she turned and ran out.

"I'm trying to." He whispered, but she was already gone.

He had no idea what she'd do next. There was no telling if she'd deliberately seek out another vampire to do what he wouldn't. The thing he couldn't do. He loved her life. Her spirit, her vibrancy. He wanted her to live. She was the only thing that made him feel alive again. In a way that he had never felt. Not even when he _was_ living. If she lost that life, they'd both be dead.

Feedback is appreciated!

~ Help me, I broke apart my insides

Help me, I've got no soul to sell

Help me, the only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself…~ NINE INCH NAILS


	3. The Art of Falling Apart

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, I borrow. You could sue me, but I don't have anything you'd want anyway.

**Author's Note:** The third installment in **Chained To Fate**. The title is from the song **The Art of Falling Apart **by **Soft Cell. **

**Summary:** Buffy is spiraling out of control. Can anyone help her out of her darkness and allow her to find her way back to herself again?

**Rating:** R

Chained To Fate

The Art of Falling Apart

~My friends say I'm dying

But I do it so well

I'm skilled at the art of falling apart…~SOFT CELL

Buffy ran from Spike's crypt and didn't stop until she reached the street. She was out of breath and looked around. She didn't know where to go now, or what to do. It seemed like everything was falling apart. It was clear to her now that despite Tara's reassurances, something had to be wrong.

She heard the sound of rapid footsteps coming in her direction. Someone was running towards her, but she didn't even bother to look around. It didn't matter. She silently hoped that maybe it was a vampire. Maybe they would do what Spike refused. Or maybe they'd just kill her. Right now, either option seemed acceptable.

She felt a firm hand grip her shoulder and swing her around. Spike stared at her with shock and concern.

"Let go of me." She told him as she tried to wrench out of his grasp.

"No."

"Leave me alone!" She shouted at him.

He grabbed both of her shoulders and stared into her eyes.

"You're coming back with me." He stated firmly.

"Why? Did you change your mind?"

"No. Did you?" He asked.

She stared at him, then lowered her head.

"I was just so desperate. I thought you could make it better. I thought you'd want to." She admitted with shame.

"You thought dying would make it better?" He asked incredulously.

"It worked last time." She whispered.

"Buffy…"

"Everything is just so confusing."

"Let me help you. Come back with me, and we can work this out." He pleaded with her.

"No. Just let me go. You can't help." She said seriously.

"I'm not letting you run off like this." He explained.

"You think I can't take care of myself?" She asked bitterly.

"Not right now, you can't. Now come with me."

She stood firmly in her place as he attempted to pull her along with him.

"Don't make me have to drag you, Buffy." He said irritated.

"Like you could _make_ me do anything."

"You think you're the only one with power here? I can hurt you, remember?" He told her angrily.

She laughed at him bitterly.

"But you won't. Don't you get it? I _want_ you to hurt me." She told him seriously.

He just stopped and looked at her sadly.

"Hurt me. I deserve it." She said, breaking down into tears.

He went to her and pulled her into his arms. She let him try and comfort her. She was so full of self loathing that she couldn't even see what she was doing. He took her arm and led her back to his crypt wordlessly. He led her down the ladder and into his room. He sat her on the bed and knelt down at her feet.

"Listen to me Buffy. Whatever this is that's wrong with you? We'll fix it." He said earnestly.

"There isn't anything wrong with me." She said softly.

"Yes. Yes, there is. That stupid resurrection spell. It did something to you. We'll find out and we'll fix it. I'll get some books or something and—."

"No. It won't help. There's nothing wrong with me. I already checked." She told him tearfully.

"What?"

"I asked Tara to check for me. She said I'm still me. Still Buffy…Just some molecules out of place. She said it's nothing." She explained.

"Well, it doesn't sound like nothing. It could be affecting you."

"Stop trying to explain this all away with my wrongness. I'm not wrong. This is me. This is Buffy." She told him seriously.

He wasn't sure what to say to her now. He had felt certain that there would be an explanation for all this. But apparently there wasn't. She watched his expression and took his silence to mean disapproval.

"You don't even want to be with me anymore, do you? I'm too monstrous even for you." She said despairingly.

"Shut your mouth. I never said that. If this is you? Then this is you. I love you no matter what you're like." He told her as he took her hands gently.

He wanted to make that point clear to her. He remembered what he'd said to Xander the night he found out Buffy wasn't dead. He wouldn't let them destroy her, even if she wasn't right. If any part of Buffy was alive, he'd hold onto her. And if this was Buffy now? Then this was _his_ Buffy.

She looked down at him and shook her head slowly.

"But I don't love you, Spike. I can't." She admitted.

His expression fell. It was no surprise to him. He never thought that she did love him. But hearing her say the words after everything they shared, hurt him.

"Why can't you love me? Because of what I am?" He asked softly.

She shook her head.

"No. Because of what I am."

"A Slayer?"

"A monster."

"Stop saying things like that. You're not a monster." He told her firmly.

"No, you're right. I'm not. According to you, monsters have feelings. I don't even have that."

He fell silent again. He couldn't let her be this way. He reached up and stroked her hair softly.

"I don't care if you don't love me. We still have something. I don't know what it is, but it's enough."

"How can it be enough?"

"It is."

She looked at him. His eyes were so sincere. He really didn't care that she couldn't return his feelings. She felt a pang of relief come over her. She hadn't wanted to let him go. Not yet. She still needed the safety he had to offer. He saw her at her complete worst tonight and he didn't run away. He still wanted her. If any of her friends had witnessed her behavior tonight, they would look down on her. Buffy believed this to be true. She didn't feel worthy of anyone right now. But Spike was still there. He was always there.

She reached out and pulled him to her. She felt that familiar safeness that came from being in his arms. The bonds they'd shared together over the last few months, were still strong. They'd fought each other constantly for control of the relationship. Neither one wanted to completely submit to the other. In the end, neither one of them had any control.

She was lost and scared. And he was so desperate to cling onto what little she had to give him. They were both spinning and swirling, completely directionless. Two lost people, clutching at each other in a sea of confusion. Trying to keep the other above water, but in the process drowning them both. But they were too weak to stop it. Too weak to save themselves.

He laid her down on the bed and removed his jacket and his shoes. He took his shirt off and slid into the bed beside her. She reached for him and started kissing him. She needed to feel good again. She needed to feel something other than the pain she carried with her. And again, he was there to fill that void.

He kissed her softly, and whispered into her ear.

"We can just pretend that none of this happened, Love." He assured her.

"But it did." She whispered back.

"It doesn't matter."

She knew he was wrong. It did matter. It mattered a lot. But she pushed the thoughts away. For tonight, she believed him. She had to. If she didn't, she wasn't sure she would survive.

He removed her clothing slowly this time. It wasn't the time for games, or for hurting each other. They'd already done enough of that tonight. This was about comfort and safety. They both needed each other. They both wanted to pretend that nothing had changed.

He guided himself into her slowly. She clutched at him tightly. Her body was alive, even if her heart wasn't. She locked everything away except the sensation of his body. With every thrust, a little more hurt dissolved and became replaced with pleasure. It was an empty pleasure though. Borne of sadness and despair. There was no passion with them tonight. Only need.

Her breath quickened and she held on to him. He buried his face in her neck and saw the marks he had left on her. He had tasted her over and over again. To him, they were marks of love and devotion. He now realized that to her, they weren't proof of their love. They were just scars.

He kissed her neck softly as they both fell into a bittersweet release. He rolled away from her slowly and lay next to her, staring at the ceiling. She didn't say a word to him. He wondered if she'd leave him now. With that thought, she rolled over closer to him. She snuggled herself under his arm and closed her eyes. He clutched her tightly, trying to hold onto what they had left.

The next morning Buffy walked into her house cautiously. She had stayed with Spike all night, mostly because she couldn't face coming home. But she realized eventually she had to face up to Willow and Dawn. She came into the living room and saw them both asleep together on the couch.

They both sat up and looked at her. It was a mixture of anger and concern. Buffy lowered her head.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly.

"Where were you?" Willow asked.

"I-I was out. I had to leave. I'm sorry I freaked you guys out." Buffy said awkwardly.

"Why did you run out like that?" Dawn asked with confusion.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to worry you guys. I'm okay now. Really. I just need to get some rest." Buffy said, as she turned around and headed up the stairs.

She knew it wasn't fair of her to leave them like that. And it wasn't fair to let them believe she was alright. But she couldn't bring herself to tell them what was happening. She didn't even really know herself. All she wanted to do now was sleep. Possibly forever.

Dawn and Willow looked at each other sadly. They didn't really know what to do or say. They were so relieved that Buffy had come home and wasn't hurt. They'd seen what she'd done to her room. Willow still felt responsibility for the torment Buffy was obviously going through. She had pulled her out of peace, and now Buffy was barely holding things together. Every time Willow thought that things were getting better, something happened. It became clear that any happiness on Buffy's part was just an illusion.

"What do we do? Just let her go?" Dawn asked sadly.

"No. We don't. I-I think I know someone who can help." Willow said grabbing the phone.

"Who?"

"Tara."

An hour later, Tara came to the door. She'd been worried for Buffy for a long time. She hadn't come to see her in weeks. Tara had stopped by the Doublemeat Palace and learned that Buffy no longer worked there. She hadn't told anyone else about it though. She realized now that maybe she should have.

She had wanted to keep Buffy's confidence so badly, that she feared she only made things worse. She was relived that Willow had called her now. Tara only hoped that maybe she could be of some help.

Willow let Tara inside and they looked at each other. Things were still a little awkward between them. Tara spoke first.

"So, is she upstairs?" She asked.

"Yeah. She totally freaked out last night and tore up her room. Then she ran out. We didn't know what to think."

"I-I'll try and talk to her." Tara assured her.

"She won't talk to me anymore. I thought maybe she'd tell you." Willow admitted softly.

"Can I go see her?"

Willow nodded her head and Tara walked up the stairs. She knocked on the door softly and Buffy didn't answer.

"Buffy? It's me. Tara. Can I come in?" She asked.

Tara waited and got no response. Just as she was about to turn around, Buffy opened the door.

"Hey." Buffy said managing a small smile.

"Hey. Can I come in?"

Buffy moved away from the door and motioned for her to enter. Tara closed the door behind her and they both sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I-I've missed you. We haven't talked in awhile." Tara said with a comforting smile.

"I know. I've been busy."

"Yeah."

They sat there silently. Buffy wanted so desperately to open up to her, but she was afraid. Tara didn't want to push her. Finally Buffy turned to her.

"I know why you came." She said.

"You do?"

"I totally freaked out last night. I think I scared them."

"Kind of. Do you want to talk about it?" Tara asked gently.

Buffy turned to her seriously.

"Tara, I need to know what's happening to me. Something isn't right. I-I know you said I'm fine, but I can't be." Buffy told her.

"Is this because of you and Spike? Did he do something?" Tara asked.

"No. It's not him. It's me."

"What do you mean?" Tara asked.

"I'm totally losing control. I-I can't seem to stop doing things that are bad…and wrong. It's like I've turned into someone else." Buffy attempted to explain.

"What sort of bad things? Y-you mean letting Spike bite you?" Tara asked quietly.

"No. Well, that too, I guess. But it's other things." Buffy said softly, lowering her head. She couldn't bring herself to look at Tara when she spoke. "I've bitten him. I've hurt him…Tara, I almost killed him last night." She whispered.

"Buffy…Why? He must have done something." Tara said trying to understand.

"No. He didn't. That's the point. He didn't do anything. He loves me, and all I can do is hurt him."

Tara looked at her and touched her arm. She was at a loss for words. Buffy continued to speak.

"It isn't just him either. I've been going out every night looking for trouble. I have this overwhelming need to kill things."

"Patrolling? But Buffy, that's your job." Tara assured her.

"This isn't just patrolling, it's more than that. It's like a hunger…A thirst for power. I've done things that I never would have done before." Buffy said shamefully.

"Like what?"

"I took money from some people…Demons. I quit my job, Tara. I needed money and I just took it because they were weaker than me. I felt like I was entitled to it somehow. It was easy." Buffy said shaking her head sadly.

"You stole money?"

"Yes."

Tara looked at her with surprise. Buffy was humiliated at her admission and looked away from her.

"You made some mistakes. Your life is very confusing. It's understandable. Maybe—."

"Tara, I _wanted_ to do these things. I needed to. There's something wrong inside me. It's like I'm not even human anymore." Buffy said with tears in her eyes.

"But you are, Buffy. It's human to make mistakes. Just because you stole some money doesn't make you a bad person." Tara told her.

"It's not just that, Tara. It's not the money. It's how I felt when I was taking it. I felt superior. Indestructible. When I'm slaying now, I don't just stake a vamp or kill a demon and move on. I hurt them. I destroy them. And I enjoy it. I take pleasure in it."

"But it's your job."

"No. It feels personal." Buffy explained.

"Well, you have been through a lot, Buffy. It's reasonable that it would feel that way. Demons have caused a lot of pain in your life." Tara rationalized.

"I know. But it's deeper than that. It's their fear…I feed on it. I enjoy causing pain. Tara, I'm turning into the very thing I'm supposed to fight against." Buffy cried softly.

Tara pulled her into her arms and held her softly. She rubbed her back and tried to soothe her.

"Shh…It's okay. You're not like them." Tara whispered.

"But I am. I'm just like them. We look at vampires and call them monsters because they kill without a conscience. What do you think I do? I kill and I don't care. I kill and I enjoy it. How is that any different?"

"But you're helping people. You kill because you are trying to keep the world safe. It _is_ different." Tara said firmly.

"It doesn't feel different." Buffy sobbed. "I'm a monster."

Tara just held her tightly and let her cry.

Several days later, Willow and Xander sat together at the Magic Box. They were speaking in hushed tones and Anya kept glancing over. She wanted to know what they were talking about, but she had customers waiting. Xander leaned over to Willow.

"She broke her mirror? Why?" Xander asked, as Willow attempted to fill him in on Buffy's recent behavior.

"I don't know. She won't talk to me anymore. I-I think she told Tara. But Tara wouldn't say anything. She said Buffy was just going through some stuff." Willow said shaking her head.

"What kind of stuff? And since when are Tara and Buffy best friends? We're her best friends." Xander said with hurt feelings.

"I know. She even told Tara about her and Spike." Willow said absently.

"Yeah." Xander agreed. Then he looked at Willow strangely. "What?"

"She told Tara that she was sleeping with Spike." Willow said, thinking Xander knew.

"Again, I say, what?"

"Oh my god. You didn't know that?" Willow asked.

"I'm suddenly feeling like nobody tells me anything." Xander said completely confused.

"I guess you wouldn't know. Buffy's not exactly forthcoming these days. I only found out cause I saw the bite." Willow explained.

"The bite?"

"He bit her." Willow told him.

"And he's still alive?" Xander asked incredulously.

"I-I think it was a sex thing." Willow whispered uncomfortably.

"I'm just gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Xander said cringing.

"I think maybe something happened with him the other night and that's why Buffy freaked." Willow offered.

"Well, I can help with that. Get me a stake. I've been itching to get rid of him for years. He just gave me a reason." Xander said seriously.

"No. We can't." Willow protested.

"Why not?"

"Because we don't know what happened. And we don't know how Buffy feels about him. We can't just kill him." Willow explained rationally.

"It's probably all his fault that Buffy's weird now. She never comes around anymore. And when she does, she doesn't talk. He's got some kind of vampire mind control thing going on with her. Clearly she's lost her mind." Xander protested.

"That's why she didn't tell us." Willow said softly.

"Because she's insane?"

"No. Because she said she knew we'd tell her she was wrong and crazy." Willow admitted.

"Well, she is. She _needs_ to be told that. I'm gonna tell her that." Xander said seriously.

"You think that will help?" Anya chimed in over his shoulder.

Her customers had left and she had managed to hear the tail end of their conversation. Xander and Willow both looked up at her.

"What?" Xander asked.

"I asked if that would help. You want to tell and emotionally fragile person that she's insane because she loves someone you don't approve of?" Anya asked seriously.

"She doesn't love him. No one said anything about love." Xander protested quickly.

"We don't know that for sure." Willow added softly.

"Yes we do. This is Buffy. The Slayer. Spike is a vampire. She doesn't love him." Xander stated logically.

"Right. Because a Slayer would never fall in love with a vampire? Doesn't anyone remember Angel?" Anya asked matter of factly.

"Angel was different." Xander pointed out.

"Angel had a soul." Willow said.

"He was still a vampire. And Buffy loved him, right?" Anya asked.

"Fine. You have a point. But Angel didn't make Buffy crazy. Spike is obviously doing something to Buffy to make her like this. She's different now. She's not herself." Xander told her.

"And you think Spike is responsible?" Anya asked.

"Of course." Xander nodded his head.

"So, being ripped out of Heaven by your friends, waking up in your own grave, finding out your broke and doomed to a life of fast food, on top of being a Slayer, isn't something that might make a person a little wacky?" Anya asked them.

Xander and Willow just looked at each other. Anya had a very huge point. They were both so quick to lay blame on someone else, they hadn't even stopped to consider they might be part of the problem. If they had just left Buffy in peace, then none of this would have happened. It was their fault now that Buffy was alive and miserable. They both just hung their heads down and didn't say another word.

That night, Buffy had gone out for a walk to clear her head. She deliberately stayed away from the cemeteries and other demon hotspots. She wanted to take a break from slaying. She still craved it, but right now, she was almost afraid to do it. She didn't want to lose control again.

Just as she was making her way up her front walk, she stopped. She could sense Spike there and she turned around.

"You don't have to hide." She said with a sigh.

He stepped out from the tree and smiled cautiously.

"I forget I can't hide from you." He admitted.

"Why are you here?" She asked.

"I was checking on you. Wanted to see how you were doing after the other night. You haven't come around." He told her quietly.

"I know. I've been busy." She lied.

"Are you avoiding me?"

"No." She said with a shrug. She wasn't being honest with him and he knew it.

"That's funny, because it seems like you are." He told her.

"Look Spike, I didn't want to see you because it's just weird now." She explained.

"Weird? _Now_ it's weird?" He asked confused.

"I feel really uncomfortable about what happened. Seeing you just makes it worse."

He took her hands in his own and pulled her closer to him.

"Buffy, I'm supposed to be helping you. Remember? You don't have to hide from me." He told her sincerely.

"You can't help me. I told you that already."

"Let me try. We'll go for a patrol, and you'll feel better." He urged her.

"I don't want to." She said, moving away from him.

"Why not?"

"I just don't want to." She said, pushing past him and trying to go up the steps.

"Are you afraid?"

She stopped in her tracks and looked at him. Then she lowered her head.

"A little." She admitted softly.

He went over to her again and held her shoulders.

"Buffy, there's nothing to worry about. You had a bad night, and now it's over. Forgotten." He assured her.

"It's not forgotten. Do you even remember that I was going to kill you?" She asked incredulously.

"So? It's not the first time." He rationalized.

"You really are warped, aren't you?"

"No, I'm forgiving, Love. There's a difference." He said smoothing her hair away from her face.

She looked at him and tried to keep her strength. It was so easy to just go back to him and start all over again. He forgave her impulsive craziness, and didn't judge her. When he said it was forgotten, he meant it. And that's what she wanted to do. She wanted to forget she'd ever flipped out. Forget that she'd ever asked him to turn her. Right now, if he was willing, then so was she.

"You wanna go hit the cemeteries? There's a full moon. It's bound to be a busy night for evil. Wouldn't wanna shirk your duty." He pointed out.

He knew he wasn't really playing fair. He just wanted her back. He didn't want her to slip away from him. He really felt like he could take care of her and keep her from falling again. Being without her for even a few days, felt like half of him was missing. He hated that feeling.

"I don't know if I'm ready to patrol." She told him softly.

"Well, you'll never know if you don't try."

She sighed and looked at him.

"I don't have any weapons. I need to go get my bag." She told him.

"I'll wait." He said lighting a cigarette, and leaning back against the tree.

She turned around and headed inside. She wasn't sure if she was making the right decision or not. She didn't feel ready to slay yet, but he had a point when he said she'd be shirking her duty. The full moon was notorious for bringing out the crazies. It wasn't like she had a regular job where you could just call in sick and crawl into bed. If she did that, people might die. This was her responsibility.

She grabbed her weapons bag and ran into Dawn in the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Dawn asked suspiciously.

"I'm going to patrol."

"Thought you might be running away again or something." Dawn said, giving Buffy a hard look.

"I never ran away, Dawn. The other night was just a bad one for me." Buffy tried to explain.

"Yeah, well, it pretty much sucked for me too. But I guess you wouldn't notice." Dawn said huffily, as she folded her arms across her chest.

Buffy sighed.

"Look Dawn, I'm sorry I freaked out. I already apologized. What else do you want?" Buffy asked.

"I just want my sister back." Dawn said quietly.

She turned around and went into her room. She slammed the door behind her. Buffy shook her head sadly.

"Apparently she's still dead." She whispered quietly to herself.

Then she walked down the stairs and out the door. Spike was still waiting for her by the tree.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yeah." She said softly.

"Something wrong?"

Buffy looked at him blankly. Dawn had made her feel like a horrible person all over again. She knew that Dawn didn't mean it, but her words had hurt. Buffy wasn't being a good sister. She realized that. But right now, Buffy couldn't help it. She pushed the pain away and forced a smile.

"Let's go fight that evil." She said with resolve.

He smiled at her. That sounded more like Buffy. He knew all she needed was a little time, and then she'd be back to her old self.

They walked to the first cemetery on their patrol. They found two newly risen vampires and took them out quickly. Buffy had kept her cool and was actually starting to feel pretty good again. The vampires hadn't given her much of a fight, and she felt a familiar pang in her stomach. Sometimes she didn't like it when they were too easy to kill.

She caught herself thinking that and she pushed it aside. _You're not out here to have fun_…She said to herself. It was exactly that kind of thinking that was making her doubt herself. She remembered Faith telling her that if she didn't enjoy her job, she was doing it wrong. At the time it had gotten her thinking that maybe she was right. Of course, Faith was a prime example of what she didn't want happening to her.

That was the last thing she wanted to be. She had fought against that kind of lifestyle and attitude for years now. But somewhere deep inside her she feared that maybe it wasn't something she could stop. Maybe that's what being a Slayer was? Maybe that was the way she was destined to be? It was a fate that didn't sit comfortably with her.

"Come on. Let's hit the next spot." Spike said, tugging on her sleeve.

She was jolted out of her thoughts and looked at him.

"What?"

"Let's get a move on." He repeated.

"Right." She walked slowly beside him.

They entered the next graveyard and walked around. It looked empty and silent.

"Maybe the bad guys took the night off?" Buffy wondered aloud.

"It's early still."

"I guess." She shrugged.

"Bored without anything to kill?" He asked with chuckle.

She stopped in her tracks and turned to him.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She asked defensively.

"Nothing." He said holding up his hands.

"You think that's the only thing that entertains me? Killing things?"

"Pet, calm down. That's not what I meant."

"There are plenty of other things I like to do." She said, trying to think of something. But her mind was blank.

He walked over to her and pulled her to him.

"I can think of something that you like to do." He said seductively as he attempted to kiss her.

She shoved him away from her.

"God! Is that what you think of me? All I enjoy is killing things and sex?" She asked angrily.

"No…Well…What's the problem with that?" He asked confused.

"Oh my god…That _is_ what you think." She said in disbelief.

She turned around and started to walk away from him. He ran after her and grabbed her arm.

"Buffy wait. Come on. You're blowing this out of proportion." He tried to explain.

"Am I? You just admitted that all I'm good at it is killing things and fucking. Right?" She asked heatedly.

"That's not what I said! But that's all you ever want to do when you're with me. How the hell should I know what else you're good at!" He shouted at her with frustration.

"This is over. I'm leaving." She said turning away from him again.

She walked quickly and he followed after her. He realized that he had totally put his foot in his mouth. He was supposed to be making her feel better, and he was screwing it up.

"This isn't over! Get back here!" He yelled after her.

"Stop following me. I knew I never should have come out here with you tonight." She said, not looking back at him.

"Then why did you?" He asked seriously.

"Because!" She said as she turned around to face him. "Because I can't stay away from you!"

"I can't stay away from you either. And I don't want to." He said sincerely.

"We can't do this anymore. It isn't right." She said hanging her head down.

"Yes it is. Buffy, we belong together." He said as he took her hand.

"No we don't. Stop saying that." She wrenched her hand free.

"Why? It's true. I thought we were past all this?" He asked.

"Well, we're not. Or at least, I'm not." She said quietly.

"Is this because of what happened the other night? Are you mad that I didn't turn you? Is that it?"

"No! God no…I'm mad because I asked you to do it in the first place. Spike, that wasn't me. That's not who I want to be. Being with you—."

"What now? It's my fault? This is my fault?" He asked bitterly.

"No. It's my fault. Being with you makes me feel strong and powerful. It feels… good."

"Yeah, so what's the problem?"

"It only feels good because it's an escape for me. You were right when you said I didn't like my life anymore, so I wanted yours. That's exactly what it was." She admitted to him.

"But it still feels good. It makes you happy." He said hopefully.

"Because it isn't real."

"It is real." He said desperately.

"Not to me." She whispered as she looked away from him.

Her words cut through him like a knife. He knew she didn't love him and that was okay. They still had something. Now she was telling him that whatever they had wasn't even real. He felt like crying and killing her at the same time. He looked up at her sadly.

"You were the one who said I belonged to you. What about all that? It meant nothing to you?" He asked trying to push back his emotions.

"It meant something, just not what you want it to mean."

"So are you telling me that it's over? Is that it?" He asked disbelieving.

"That's what I'm telling you." She said feeling her own emotions bubbling to the surface.

"But I love you."

"I know." She whispered.

"I love you. And I've stood by you through everything. Everything! And _now_ you say it's over? You really do love to hurt me, don't you?" He asked despairingly.

"No. That's why I'm letting you go." She told him softly as she touched his face.

Tara had told her before that if she loved Spike, she should stay with him. She should follow her heart. But if she didn't love him, she needed to let him go. That's what she was doing. She needed to get her life in order. She needed to stop doing things that were wrong. She realized now that the first step was to stop using Spike as her security blanket. Using him and hurting him made her sick inside. She hated what she was doing, and it had to stop now.

"_Letting me go_? I'm not asking to go anywhere." He protested.

"Spike, stop. This is hard enough as it is."

"We were happy, right? You said I made you happy." He said, still grasping for hope.

He realized he was being a fool, but he couldn't help it. He needed her now. He never gave up before when it looked hopeless, and he wasn't going to give up now.

"I can't make _you_ happy. Don't you see that? I can't give you what you want right now." She explained.

"I can wait."

"No. It's over. You have to accept that it's over." She said firmly.

He looked at her sadly. She'd told him that many times, but he always knew she didn't mean it. This time, she meant it. It was really over.

She walked over to him and kissed his cheek. Then she pulled away from him. She had tears in her eyes. It was hard for her to let him go when she still felt so lost. She still needed him. But it was time to stand on her own for once. She had to stop living in a fantasy world.

"Goodbye." She said softly as she turned around and walked away from him.

This time he didn't follow her. He just stood there numbly, trying to keep himself from falling apart. It felt like the entire world was crumbling around him. He'd felt that way once before when Buffy had left him. Only that time, she had died. This time, it felt like it was him that died. And he had no friends to bring him back.

Buffy sat outside in the park watching the children playing. It was a beautiful afternoon, and for once she was actually enjoying it. She let the sun warm her face and she smiled. Just then, she felt someone move into her light, and she opened her eyes.

"Tara. Hey. You made it." Buffy smiled.

They had decided to meet in the park and eat lunch.

"Sorry I'm late. Class ran a little over. You haven't been here long have you?" Tara asked.

"Not really. It's okay. I was just sunning myself. Daytime is kind of a new thing for me lately." She smiled.

Tara sat down next to her and handed Buffy a brown paper bag with some sandwiches in it. Buffy pulled one out and set it in her lap. Tara watched her and smiled.

"Are you feeling better? You look better." Tara noted.

"I'm getting there. Talking with you the other night helped a lot. Thanks." Buffy told her sincerely.

"I-I didn't really know what to say." Tara admitted.

"I know. You didn't have to say anything. In fact, I think that's the best thing you could have done. Saying nothing is better than telling me I'm a sick freak." Buffy said with a small smile.

"You're not a sick freak."

"Thanks."

"So how are you and Spike? Are things still okay?" Tara asked curiously.

"Spike…We broke up. Well, I broke up anyway." Buffy admitted softly.

"Oh. Do you want to talk about it?"

Bufy shrugged and looked down at the sandwich in her lap.

"I had to do it." She said quietly.

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't keep hurting him."

"How did he take it?" Tara asked concerned that Spike might do something stupid.

"Not well. But most people don't jump for joy when they're being dumped." Buffy pointed out.

"He won't…you know…hurt you or anything now?" Tara asked awkwardly.

Buffy shook her head.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I did the right thing. Eventually, he'll see that." Buffy tried to reassure herself.

"So then you didn't love him?" Tara asked quietly.

"No." Buffy whispered. "I'm still not sure I'm capable of loving anyone right now."

"Sure you are." Tara said supportively.

"I still feel hollow. Like I can't feel anything real." Buffy admitted as she looked away from Tara.

"But you do feel. You feel a lot, Buffy. That's why you were in so much pain the other night. That's why you had to let Spike go. Because you cared. If you didn't care about anything, none of that would have bothered you." Tara pointed out seriously.

Buffy looked at her and let her words sink in. Tara was right.

"I guess so." Buffy said softly.

"I know so. Your feelings are just so blinded by the pain you have, that you can't see them. Once the pain goes away, you'll find your heart again. It just takes time." Tara said giving Buffy's hand a tight squeeze.

"But how do I make the pain go away?" Buffy asked.

"I think only you can answer that."

Buffy looked up at the sky, as if the answer would come crashing down on her from the heavens. But nothing came. Tara was right. It was up to her to banish the pain. No one else could do it for her. All her life she'd looked to others for her answers. First her mother, then Giles. When they left her, she was completely lost. She moved on to Spike, and now Tara. It was time to stop using other people to make her happy and complete. It was time she took control of her life. The only person that could make her happy was herself.

Feedback is appreciated!

~I was trying so hard to please myself

I was turning into somebody else

I was trying so hard to be myself

I was turning into somebody else…~ THE THE


	4. I'll Stand on My Own

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters. I borrow them. Please don't sue me. I'm already poor.

**Author's Note:** This is the fourth installment of **Chained To Fate. **The title is from the song **You'll See** by **Madonna. **

**Summary:** Buffy is slowly coming to terms with her life and getting herself back together. That includes figuring out what it really means to be a Slayer. Spike tries to find his own place in this world as well. Will their worlds meet again?

**Rating:** R

**Chained To Fate**

**I'll Stand On My Own**

~All by myself, I don't need anyone at all

I know I'll survive, I know I'll stay alive

I'll stand on my own, I won't need anyone this time

It will be mine, no one can take it from me…~MADONNA

Buffy sat in the Magic Box looking at the newspaper. She needed to find another job. She was still a little ashamed that she had taken that money from the informant. Even more so, because the right thing to do would have been to give it back. But instead she used it to pay off her credit card. But the money was gone now, and there was no getting it back. And now she had to find a real job. Her Robin Hood act wasn't going to cut it anymore.

Anya came over and sat down next to her.

"How's the job hunt going? I hear Taco Heaven is hiring. I saw the sign yesterday when Xander and I had lunch there." Anya offered cheerfully.

"No. No Taco Heaven, or Meat Palaces. I'm done with food. It's bad enough that slaying leads me to smelling like sewers and demon blood. That I can handle. Fried meat just never washes out of your hair." Buffy said wryly.

"Well, you can't work here. Just so you know. We tried that and it didn't work out." Anya said seriously.

"Yeah. Well, don't worry, I don't want to work here." Buffy said shaking her head at Anya's bluntness.

"I'm sure you'll find something." Anya got up and went over to greet some people who had just walked through the door.

Buffy knew there had to be something out there for her to do that wasn't completely pathetic. Looking back now, she couldn't believe that she took a job in fast food. It was a temporary fix. And the job was as low as she felt. But now, she was feeling better. It was time to find something that really suited her. Something besides slaying anyway.

Just then Xander came in and sat down across from her.

"Hey Buff. Whatcha' doin'?" He asked with a smile.

"Looking for gainful employment again."

"Ah, yeah. I heard you quit the Palace."

"Yeah." She said quietly.

"Seems like a lot of stuff has been going on that I don't know about." He told her quietly.

This was the first time he had really seen her since he learned about her and Spike. He wanted to talk to her, and he wanted her to feel like she could confide in him again. He was trying very hard to tread lightly.

"Sorry Xander. I-I know I haven't exactly been available lately." She admitted as she looked away from him and down at the paper.

"I also heard about you and the bleached wonder. How's that working out for ya?" He asked trying to play it cool.

"The bleached wonder?" She raised her eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, I heard from Willow that you two were pretty close." Xander said, resisting the urge to try and shake some sense into her.

"We aren't together anymore. It's over." She told him softly.

"Oh. Well that's good. Did you kill him?" Xander asked with a hopeful laugh.

Buffy didn't find the humor in his question. She gave Xander a hurt expression.

"No. Despite my history, I don't routinely kill my vampire lovers when I'm finished with them." She said shaking her head.

"How many have you had?" Xander asked with surprise.

"Xander, stop it. Two. There were two. I'm not some kind of freaky vampire groupie." She said defensively.

"Well, two is plenty. I'm glad it's over. And I'm glad to see you hanging here with us again." Xander said sincerely.

"Yeah. It's good to be back." She said not entirely feeling it.

"You don't actually miss him, do you?" He asked, noting her uncertainty.

She looked up at him and shrugged.

"You wouldn't understand, Xander."

He looked at her and knew it wasn't the time for sarcasm or trying to make with the funny.

"Did you love him?" He asked softly.

Buffy shook her head.

"But you did care, right? It wasn't just a passing phase?" He asked.

"No. It was more than that. I just don't want to talk about it. It still hurts." She told him.

"Okay. We won't talk about it. Let's talk about something else. How's the job hunt going?" He asked, pointing at her newspaper.

"Not well so far."

"Well, you can't come back to the construction site. Just so you know. My foreman is still pissy about what happened before." He told her.

She looked at him and laughed.

"You know, you and Anya are the perfect couple." She smiled.

"What? We are?"

"Yes. Just trust me on that one." She told him sincerely.

He smiled at her and then looked over at Anya who was busy behind the register.

"Yeah, I'm lucky I guess." He said.

"You are. Don't forget that." She said patting his hand affectionately.

She was so desperate for someone to have a happy ending. Even if it wasn't her. She realized now that her heart was beginning to show again. Just slightly. But before she really couldn't bring herself to think about anyone else and their happiness. Mostly because she was so miserable. But now, thinking about Xander and Anya living happily ever after, made her smile.

It had been five days since Buffy had walked away from him, and Spike was still devastated. He didn't even leave his crypt. All he could think about was trying to find a way to get her back. He just couldn't accept that it was over, or that she didn't still need him. She had to need him, because he still needed her.

She was his life, as pathetic as that sounded. She was the reason he still wanted to exist. When she had died, it was her memory and her friends that had kept him going. Now he had none of that. When she had come back, he had moved away from their group. He didn't feel needed there anymore. But Buffy had still needed him. And that was what he clung to. Now there was only emptiness.

He was tired of sitting around doing nothing. If he wanted Buffy back, he needed to go find her and talk some sense into her. He felt that if he just talked to her, she'd see that she made a mistake. He knew she missed him, because he could feel it. They were part of each other now, whether she wanted to admit it or not. They had fed from each other. They had drank in each other's lives. It was a bond he knew couldn't be broken easily.

He grabbed his jacket and set out for the Bronze. He wanted to take the chance that Buffy might be there. It was too risky to go to her house. She might de-invite him again. A public place was his best bet. He could make it seem like an accident that they ran into each other. And then he could work his charms. She'd never been able to resist it when he charmed her. He just hoped that his charm wouldn't turn into pathetic desperation.

Buffy and Tara walked into the Bronze together. Tara had insisted Buffy get out of the house and do something fun. Buffy had protested that she was still broke and jobless. But Tara had insisted that it was her treat. Buffy couldn't refuse.

They sat at a table together and watched the people dancing. Tara sipped at her drink and Buffy looked at her.

"So, anything new happening with you? Willow?" Buffy asked curiously.

"We've been talking. Things are better. We had coffee yesterday." Tara smiled.

"Good. That's really great. I'd like to see you two work things out." Buffy said sincerely.

"Me too. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, letting her go." Tara admitted.

"That is hard, isn't it?" Buffy said, knowing that pain all too well.

"How are you holding up?" Tara inquired. She knew the wounds were still fresh with Buffy and Spike.

"I'm okay. It's hard. I-I miss him. I know that being with him wasn't good, but sometimes I just feel like I want to run to him so he can make me feel better. Make things easier again, you know?" Buffy told her.

"I know. But doing that wasn't helping you. You know that." Tara told her.

"I know. It wasn't. It was just another way for me to run away from my problems."

"Things will get easier. Speaking of that…Have you found a new job yet?" Tara asked.

"No. I really only started looking yesterday. I want to find something good this time." Buffy told her.

"That's important. You need to find something that you can enjoy."

"I don't think I ever want to eat a hamburger again after working at the Palace." Buffy laughed.

"I don't blame you." Tara smiled.

Buffy stood up from the table and looked at Tara.

"I need use the ladies room. When I get back, we should dance. I need a little fun, and dancing is a suitable escape, right?" Buffy told her.

"Dancing is good. I'll wait right here." Tara smiled.

Buffy walked off towards the restroom. She went inside and looked in the mirror. Her face seemed animated again. The dark circles of staying up all night were gone. She almost recognized herself again. But there was still pain lurking underneath. Still so many unanswered questions that needed puzzling out. But it wasn't the face of despair anymore. She smiled at her reflection and went into one of the stalls.

She walked out of the bathroom and headed back to her table. Someone grabbed her arm and pulled her into the shadows. She looked up startled to find Spike staring at her.

"Spike? Let me go." She said wrenching her arm free.

"Buffy we need to talk." He told her.

"We already talked. There isn't anything left to say." She told him seriously.

"No. _You_ talked, I listened. Now it's time for you to listen to me." He told her in a firm voice.

"Don't do this." She protested.

Her heart was beating fast and she glanced around nervously to make sure no one was watching them.

"Buffy, I can't live without you." He said desperately.

"You're gonna have to try."

"I have! I can't do it. And I know you don't want to live without me. I can feel it." He said moving into her space, and leaning over her.

She pushed him back.

"No! Please just leave me alone." She pleaded with him.

"Tell me that you don't still want me." He urged her.

She looked at him sadly and shook her head.

"That's not the point. I may still want you, but nothing has changed." She told him.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked, still not understanding. He was so blinded by his own pain, he couldn't see hers. He couldn't see that he was hurting her instead of helping her.

"I have to do this. Now, please, just get out of here and leave me alone." She said with determination.

He grabbed her arm again as she turned to leave him. He swung her around to face him. Before either one of them could say anything, Tara walked up.

"Let her go, Spike." She said staring him down.

"Stay out of this." He told her angrily.

"No." Tara shook her head.

Buffy pulled her arm free again and gave Tara a thankful look. She quickly headed away from them. Spike attempted to go after her but Tara held her arm out and stopped him.

"Get out of my way!" He told her. But she didn't move. "Buffy! I still love you!" He shouted after her as she disappeared into the crowd.

Tara pushed him back and he glared at her. She held her ground.

"If you really love her, you'll leave her alone." She told him seriously.

"What? What kind of logic is that?" He asked her angrily.

"She needs time. You can't keep pushing her like this. If you do, you'll just make it worse." She explained.

"How? I want to help her. I want her with me. She misses me. I can feel it." He told her desperately.

"She does miss you. But that's not the point. She needs to stand on her own. You know she was using you, don't you?" She asked.

"Don't say that." He said sadly.

"She was. You know it. And she knows it." She said softly.

"We had something. I don't care what you say. We still have something."

"She didn't love you."

"I don't care. I loved her enough for both of us." He told her.

Tara looked at him sympathetically.

"Don't you think you deserve more than that?" She asked sincerely.

He looked up at her surprised.

"What?"

"Don't you think you deserve to be loved in return?" She asked.

He never really allowed himself to think about it like that. No one had ever told him he deserved anything, except a good beating or a stake to the heart. Here this girl was telling him that he deserved to be loved. No one had ever said anything like that to him before.

"You think I deserve love?" He asked surprised by her statement.

"Everyone does."

"But I'm a vampire. I'm evil, remember?" He told her.

"You're not evil."

"Yes I am." He protested.

"Are you reminding me, or yourself?" She asked.

"What?"

"I'm just saying, if you're so evil, then why do you want to help Buffy? Why do you care what happens to her? She was turning into someone else, and you didn't like it. Right?" She asked pointedly.

"No, I didn't like it. But I still loved her. If she wanted to rob convenience stores and torture demons all night, that's fine by me." He said trying to convince himself of that fact.

"Was it really?"

"Yes." He said weakly.

"The why didn't you change her? Make her into a vampire like yourself? If you're really evil, why did you say no?" She asked quietly.

He looked at her startled.

"She told you about that?"

"She did. And she said you told her no."

Spike didn't know what to say to that. It was true. He had told her no. He wouldn't dream of it. Not now. There was a time in his life that he had fantasized about it. Buffy and him together for all eternity. It was a pleasant thought. But it wasn't reality. He didn't want her like that. He knew that now.

"I don't want to see her like that." He admitted as he looked down at his boots.

"It would have probably kept her with you. She would have been all yours. You could have run off together and never looked back at this place."

"Yeah. It could have been great." He said without enthusiasm.

"But you didn't do it. That says a lot. Maybe you need to do some thinking of your own. Buffy's lost right now. She doesn't know where she belongs. I don't think you do either." She said thoughtfully.

"I belong with her." He whispered.

"Maybe. But right now, she doesn't think so. You need to find your own place. One away from Buffy. You're holding each other back. She was using you for escape. And you were using her to tell you what to do. It doesn't work like that." She explained.

"Then how _does_ it work?"

Tara shrugged.

"I don't know. You're strong and smart. You'll figure it out."

He looked up at her with shock and confusion. No one had ever really taken the time to speak to him before. No one had ever given him advice or support. No one had ever truly made him feel like a real person. Not even Buffy. He had told her that she treated him like a man, but it wasn't true. He had felt like a man with her, but that's not how she had viewed him. It was startlingly painful to finally realize that.

Tara left Spike alone with his thoughts and went to find Buffy. She found her standing outside by the entrance to the club. She touched her arm and Buffy jumped. She was half expecting it to be Spike. She was relieved when it wasn't.

"Tara. God, I'm sorry you had to get involved there." Buffy apologized.

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault." She assured her.

"It _is_ my fault. I strung him along for way too long. I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't just sit back and blindly accept it. It's not like it's the first time I've told him it's over." Buffy said with a sigh.

"Yeah, but it's the first time you actually meant it. He knows that. That's why he's trying so hard to hold on."

"I really hurt him, Tara. I knew I was doing it, and I didn't stop myself." Buffy said remorsefully.

"It was a two way street. He let you hurt him."

"That doesn't make it right." Buffy pointed out.

"No. It doesn't. But you recognize that now. You deal with it and you move on. He will too." Tara assured her.

For a moment, Buffy felt her heart wrench. 'Moving on' sounded so final. They would _both_ move on. Suddenly the finality of it all hit her. The thought of him moving on pained her. She knew it was completely selfish. He had every right to find someone else. Just as she did. But still her heart ached. Tara noticed her pained expression.

"You okay?" She asked.

Buffy looked up at her and shook her head to clear her thoughts.

"Yeah. Um, why don't we go somewhere else? I'm kind of hungry. Why don't we hit the coffee shop?" Buffy offered.

"Sure." Tara smiled and they set off away from the Bronze.

Buffy turned around one last time and saw Spike walking out of the club. He looked at her intently. His eyes were sad but his expression was resigned. He was letting her go to live without him. She felt his eyes reaching into her soul. She returned his gaze.

Tara turned around to see what Buffy was looking at. She saw the pain and longing in both their eyes. It was clear that something deeper was transpiring between them. But Tara didn't say anything. It was up to them to figure that out for themselves.

Finally Buffy turned around again and Spike lowered his head and walked off in the other direction. Buffy felt like crying. Seeing him so defeated made her ache all over. The thought of never seeing him again felt like a lead weight in her chest. She couldn't describe the anguish that she felt, seeing him that way. Then it suddenly dawned on her. That was her heart she was feeling. She had found her heart, and it was broken.

The next few weeks passed and Buffy was trying to get back into the swing of things. She hadn't seen or heard from Spike since that night at the Bronze. She tried not to think of him, but she couldn't help but wonder if he had left town. She was too afraid to find out for sure.

She was back to patrolling again, this time alone. It helped her think about things. She was still having trouble with her emotions. She didn't want slaying to fill the void that Spike had left. But she still found comfort in it. She couldn't deny it. It was a painful truth that she had ignored from the moment she found out she was fated to be a Slayer.

She enjoyed what she did. She gleaned satisfaction from every vampire she dusted and every demon she destroyed. It frightened her still, but she tried not to think about it. She was still running away. She realized that. She wished that before Giles had left, she had asked him again to help her find out what being a Slayer really meant.

When she had asked him before, things had gotten crazy. Her mom got sick, she found out about Dawn being the key, Glory was on their tails, and her mom died. And then she died. There was never time to delve into the truths of what she needed to know. Now she realized that maybe asking Giles to tell her, was never the answer to begin with. It was just another way for her to let someone else do her soul searching for her.

Still there was a lot she didn't understand or know about herself. She wasn't sure she could do it all on her own. She considered calling Giles when she got home. She couldn't remember the time difference though. It was probably four in the morning there or something. She decided to head to the Magic Shop. They were still open for another hour. She decided that she'd see if Giles had left any books behind that might tell her something.

She pushed the door open and Anya looked up from her post behind the counter.

"Hey Buffy."

"Hey."

"Are you going to use the training room? Because I have some boxes back there. We just got a new shipment in and I didn't have anywhere to put them." Anya explained.

"No, actually I just wanted to take a look at some of Giles' books." Buffy told her.

"Oh. Is there something evil going on?" Anya asked.

"No. Well, just the usual. I'm looking for something else. Something about Slayers." She told her.

"Oh. I don't think I've seen anything like that. But you can check."

Buffy walked over to the private books behind the counter and started perusing them. Buffy stopped for a moment and looked up at Anya.

"Anya?"

"Yes?"

"You were a demon for like a thousand years, right?"

"Eleven hundred." Anya clarified.

"That's a long time." Buffy told her.

"It didn't seem like that long. Time flies when you're having fun and all that." Anya said with fondness at her memories.

"Did you ever come across any other Slayers?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Sure. Quite a few actually."

"Really? You never said anything before."

"Well, I didn't think it was important. It's not like I stopped and had tea with them. I was a vengeance demon." Anya pointed out.

"I know. But what were they like?"

"I didn't hang around long if I discovered there was a Slayer in town. It was something to be feared." Anya explained.

"_Something_?" Buffy noticed her not referring to a Slayer as a person.

"Well yeah. Back when I first started out as a demon, we didn't call them Slayers. We called them warrior beasts. They were predators. Preying on demons, such as myself. I tried to steer clear of them." Anya told her.

"Warrior beasts? My god…I'm a beast now?" Buffy asked sadly.

Visions of the first Slayer entered her mind. She may not look like that, but underneath, that was what she was. That was how the demons saw her.

"Well you're not. You're different. These Slayers lived for only one thing. And that was eradicating the Earth of demons. You're not like that." Anya reassured her.

Buffy stared at her and let the truth of what she was saying sink in.

"But I am like that. That's what I do." She said quietly.

"Yeah, but that's not all you do."

"Isn't it?"

Anya saw that Buffy wasn't happy with this news. Anya had never said anything before because no one had ever asked. Now she was wondering if this was one of those times she should have said nothing. Xander tried to explain to her that some things were best left unsaid. She tried to smooth things over.

"Well, you're much nicer and prettier than the other Slayers I've seen." Anya said hoping that would do the trick.

Buffy looked at her gave a small smile.

"Thanks. But I think maybe in the end I'm not so different than they were." She admitted softly.

Buffy walked home slowly that night. She hadn't found any books. But after talking with Anya, she didn't really feel the need to read about it anymore. Anya confirmed what she had always known deep down inside. She wasn't just a person doing a job. She was a warrior. Beast-like. Not completely human.

She may look like an ordinary girl, but underneath the surface, she wasn't even a girl. She was a beast wrapped in a girl shaped package. She had to wonder if that somehow coming back from the dead had made her even more of a Slayer. If that was possible. She couldn't deny the fact that when she returned from her grave, her first instinct was to hunt and kill.

She hadn't even known who she was at first, but she knew she needed to kill these demons that were taking over her town. It was pure instinct. As soon as she regained her senses, the first thing she wanted to do was go out slaying. Her family and her friends were secondary. Slaying had brought her a sense of fulfillment, that she had felt was stripped away from her.

Now she wondered if this was what was wrong with her. Spike could hit her because a Slayer wasn't really human. Maybe Buffy Summers was still dead? Maybe all that was left of her was the Slayer? The warrior beast.

Suddenly she switched her direction and headed for Tara's place. She walked quickly and knocked on her door frantically. Tara threw open the door and looked at Buffy.

"What's wrong?" She asked concerned.

Buffy noticed Tara was in her pajamas and she instantly felt guilty. She hadn't considered the time. It was well after midnight now.

"I'm sorry. You were sleeping, weren't you?" Buffy asked timidly.

"It's okay. Come in. Is something wrong?" Tara asked, as Buffy stepped inside and made her way to into the room.

"I need to see the spell that Willow used to bring me back." She told Tara seriously.

"What? Why?"

"Because. I want to see it." Buffy said with determination.

"I already looked it over. I told you what I found." Tara explained, not really certain why Buffy needed to see it.

"I know. But it's just something I need to see for myself." Buffy said softly.

"Okay. I-I have the book in my room. Hang on." Tara said, as she went to retrieve the text.

She came back in and handed the large book over to Buffy. She opened it and started leafing through it carefully.

"It starts on page seventy-five." Tara pointed out.

Buffy flipped to the page and began reading the passage. Most of it made no sense to her. Then she saw the words and something inside her clicked. She looked up at Tara.

"What does this mean?" She asked pointing to the page.

Tara looked at it and shrugged.

"T-that was part of the incantation that Willow recited."

"Yeah. But what does that mean exactly? Osiris. Here lies the warrior of the  
people. Let her cross over." Buffy recited the verse.

"I-I don't know. Willow said that since you didn't die a natural death, that this spell would be able to bring you back." Tara tried to explain awkwardly.

"Did anyone even ask if she knew what she was doing?" Buffy asked with irritation in her voice.

Tara hung her head down. The truth of it was that she and everyone else had trusted Willow implicitly. Tara was a witch too, but this was something that went beyond her ability. She hadn't prodded Willow with questions because she had faith in her motives and her ability. Tara couldn't deny now what a mistake it had been.

"Willow assured everyone that this would work. We trusted her judgment."

"But you never even asked _how_ she could do this?" Buffy inquired.

"Not really… Buffy is there something about that passage that's bothering you?" Tara asked, wondering why all of a sudden Buffy was so adamant about reading it.

"Tara, I think that something _is_ different about me. This says 'Here lies the warrior of the people'. It doesn't say anything about Buffy. It doesn't mention me at all. Just the warrior. The Slayer." Buffy pointed out.

"Are you saying you think that Willow only brought back the Slayer and not the rest of you?" Tara asked.

"That's what I'm saying. Is that possible?"

Tara looked at Buffy with surprise. She'd never even considered such a thing. In her mind, Buffy _was_ the Slayer. There weren't two separate parts. That was just what she was.

"I-I don't know. I don't think so. I mean, the spell was supposed to bring you back. Not just a piece of you." Tara told her.

"I know, but is it possible?" Buffy prodded her.

Tara thought for a moment, then shook her head.

"No. Willow researched this and she knew what she was doing. But—."

"But what?" Buffy interrupted quickly.

"Well, the spell was interrupted. S-she didn't finish it." Tara said regretfully.

"She didn't finish it? And yet here I am. How did you guys explain that?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"We didn't. We were just happy to see you." Tara said softly.

Buffy tried to absorb everything that Tara was telling her. She felt anger and resentment towards Willow again for trying to play God with her life. And she felt irritation with everyone else for following her so blindly.

"So then tell me, is it possible that part of me is missing? That somehow my humanity is still floating around in the ether somewhere?" Buffy asked.

Tara looked at her sympathetically. She felt a world of guilt for being part of the spell in the first place. As a witch she should have known better.

"I really don't think so. But I guess it's possible." She whispered.

"Oh god…" Buffy said miserably.

She felt the tears stinging her eyes and wiped them away hastily. Tara reached over and touched her arm softly.

"I'm sorry Buffy. I-I had no idea that this could happen. Or if it even did. We don't have any proof." Tara said trying to smooth things over.

"I don't need proof." Buffy whispered.

"But you haven't lost your humanity, Buffy. Look at yourself. You've always been the Slayer. It's always been part of you. Maybe now, it's just a bigger part. We don't know that. But you're still who you've always been."

"But then why do I have this hunger inside me? This need that I can't explain?" She asked desperately.

"It wasn't there before?"

Buffy looked at her and realized that it had always been there. It wasn't new to her. It was just stronger and clearer.

"It's always been there." She confessed.

"Then nothing has really changed." Tara pointed out.

"I don't want to become some kind of savage. I've seen what a true Slayer looks like, and it's not pretty."

"Is that what you see when you look in the mirror? A savage?"

"I did. Before…I did."

"And now?"

"I don't know what I see. I just know I don't want to be like that. I was becoming something that I hated. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop it." Buffy said tearfully.

"You're stronger than that. You're the strongest person I've ever met."

"But what if that's my fate?" Buffy asked sadly.

"No. No one is chained to fate. We are always free to change our paths." Tara disagreed.

"But what if Slayer's really are just beasts? Look at Faith. That's exactly what I was becoming. What if there wasn't anything wrong with her? What if she was just being a Slayer. That's what she always told me." Buffy remembered.

"But Faith wasn't just a Slayer either, Buffy. She was still a girl. A lost, scared girl. But human all the same. You need to realize that people aren't infallible. They screw up. They get lost. They do bad things. And if they're lucky? They get themselves out of it."

"I know that."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do."

"Then stop trying to find something evil or beastly about the way you feel. You're looking for demons where there aren't any. You haven't lost your humanity. I think you've finally found it." Tara told her sincerely.

"You think I'm looking for excuses?"

Tara looked at her sympathetically.

"Listen, you've met my family, right? All my life, whenever I screwed up, they blamed it on the demon inside me. And I believed them. It was easier to think that I had no control over myself. But that's not the way it really was." Tara told her.

"I forgot about your family." Buffy said quietly.

"They treated me like I was less than human, until I finally started believing it. But then after awhile, it didn't matter to me anymore. I knew I wasn't evil. Deep down, I knew that even if I wasn't human, I was still good."

"But you are human. They just lied to you because they were twisted and cruel. I really might not be human anymore." Buffy said.

"Will that really matter?" Tara asked.

"What? Of course it really matters." Buffy said shocked at her question.

"I know that seems like a stupid question, but think about it. If being a Slayer means being a little less than human, will that change things? Will that change who you are inside?" Tara asked sincerely.

Buffy stared at her and it felt like a lightning bolt hit her. She _was_ still searching for reasons and excuses for not being perfect. The truth was, no body was perfect. Being human didn't make you good. And being less than human didn't make you evil. Things were just easier when you viewed them that way. It made her job easier. Humans were always the good guys and demons needed to be killed. It was simple.

She knew now that it really wasn't that simple. There were plenty of demons that weren't evil. They didn't hurt people. Spike was one of them. He did have a chip in his head, but Buffy knew it went deeper than that. He still had the capacity to be evil, despite the chip. Instead he stood alongside her and helped her. He loved her more than she believed she could ever love him. And now, he could hurt her. But he hadn't. Even when she had begged him to hurt her, he wouldn't. She had completely ripped out his heart and stepped on it, and he didn't do anything. That wasn't evil.

And then there were others. Spike's friend Clem and the informant demon. She didn't even know his name. It hadn't mattered to her at the time. He was just a thing, not a person. And she'd stolen his money. It made her sick inside to see how completely biased and blind she'd been. Especially when right under her nose, someone like Warren was murdering his ex-girlfriend and blaming it on her. There was no demon controlling him, or making him do evil things. He was just bad, and he was human. She felt stupid for not truly seeing that until now.

She looked up at Tara and shook her head.

"I guess it really wouldn't change things."

"Everyone has a darkness inside them. Everyone. And maybe being a Slayer _does_ make you more susceptible to it. I don't know. But it's still your life. You have to take responsibility for it." Tara said truthfully.

Buffy realized that everything Tara said was true. She sat there for a few minutes and let it sink in. It was a hard pill to swallow, but the truth none the less. Buffy looked at the clock and noticed that it was really getting late. She stood up to leave.

"I really should get going now. I don't want to keep you up anymore." Buffy told her.

"Alright. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. I will be. Thanks again for being here for me. I'm feeling like I need to start paying you or something." Buffy said with a sheepish grin.

"It's free of charge."

"Thanks." Buffy turned around and headed for the door.

"Buffy?"

She turned around and faced her.

"I'm really sorry about everything. With the spell and all."

"It's okay."

"I-if you want, I can research it again. I know some people that might be able to help. You know, see if something went wrong?" Tara offered.

Buffy thought about it for a moment then shook her head.

"That's okay. I don't really need to know." She smiled.

Tara watched as Buffy walked out and closed the door behind her. Things were a lot clearer now. Things made sense again. And not in the warped way it was making sense before. She realized that even if she was more of a Slayer than she was before, it didn't matter. She was still the same person. It had always been a part of her and always would be. It was up to her to keep that balance. She was always going to be the Slayer. But she also had to be Buffy too. She couldn't lose sight of that again.

Spike sat a table in one of the seedier demon bars in town. He wanted to drown his sorrows in a place that he knew Buffy didn't even know about. It was the place where he had gone before to get information for her. Tonight, he was there because he wanted to fit in again. He wanted a place to call his own, that had nothing to do with Buffy.

Tara's words to him had bothered him a lot. She questioned whether or not he was really evil. That seemed ridiculous to him. He was a vampire. Evil was what he did. His entire existence for over a hundred years was based on that very fact. To consider he might be anything else, was upsetting.

Most people would probably be relieved to be told they weren't evil. But Spike wasn't a people. He was a demon. And demons were evil. That was just the way it was. Still he couldn't explain to himself why Buffy's darkness had bothered him. Frightened him even. There were times he wished he had just turned her when she asked him to. Maybe things would have made more sense. And maybe she would still be with him.

And then a vision of Buffy with blood on her lips and a crazed look in her eyes would enter his thought. It would chill him. He hated seeing her like that. His favorite vision of her was the first time he saw her alive again. Someone he had previously thought was dead, stood right before his eyes. Scared and sad, but very much alive and breathing. She had looked like an angel to him that night as she descended the stairs. That was the vision of her he wanted to keep.

He shook the thoughts out of his mind and drained his beer. There was no sense thinking about this now, he told himself. She was out of his life and it was time to move on. Get back to who he really was. That was what Tara had told him. A life away from Buffy. He could handle that. He'd lived without her for more than a hundred years. And he'd lived well. Sure, he had a chip in his head now, which made going back to his old life more difficult. But he could work around it. There was still plenty of chaos and mayhem to cause in this town. Chip or not. It was time to start getting back to that.

He stood up and walked over to a table where some vampires were playing cards. He sat down with them.

"Room for one more?" He asked them.

"You got money?" One of them asked.

Spike produced a wad of bills and tossed them down on the table. At this establishment, money was still the preferred currency. He smiled at them.

"You're in." The vampire told him with a nod of his head.

He handed the cards to Spike.

"You deal."

Spike started shuffling the cards and then he paused to look at them before dealing.

"In this game the rules are a little different." He told them.

"What do you mean?" On of the vampires asked.

"Well, see, I've got money. But if I win? I want something else." Spike explained calmly.

"What kinda shit are you rattling on about? Just deal. We play for money. End of story." The vampire said with irritation.

Spike ignored his impatience and shook his head.

"If I win, I want something to eat." He explained.

"What? Go get your own food."

"See, I have a little problem. It's a long story. But I need one of you to bring me a fresh kill. I can eat, but only if they're already dead." He explained to them.

"What's wrong with you man?" Another vampire asked.

"Government boy's put a chip in my head. I can't feed on anyone who is alive. But I'm hoping you boys will help me out. You game?" Spike asked.

"We still get the money if you don't win, right?" One of them asked.

"Yeah. The way I see it, you've got nothing to lose. Shall I deal?" Spike asked, getting impatient himself.

"Deal em."

They played cards for almost an hour before Spike finally won a hand. He smiled to himself satisfactorily. He was beginning to think he'd never win a hand. Now suddenly that he had, he felt a little nervous. He pushed the thoughts away and tried to concentrate on how good it would taste to drink human blood again. He'd tasted Buffy, and couldn't deny that it was a thousand times better than pig's blood. It still wasn't a meal though. He could never do that to her. But he could do it to someone he didn't know or care about, he thought to himself.

"Okay, I'm done. Who's gonna take me to dinner?" Spike asked.

One of the vampires stood up from the table.

"I will. I'm broke and I could use a bite myself. Let's go." He told Spike.

They set off together in search of two suitable victims. The vampire started to head down an alleyway and Spike grabbed his arm.

"Not that way. The Slayer patrols over there. Let's go this way." He said indicating the opposite direction.

"How would you know where she patrols?" He asked.

"I've learned if you wanna stay alive, you avoid her." Spike explained quickly.

The guilt at what he was about to do was eating at him. And that fact was just making him angry. He wasn't supposed to feel guilty about this. This was what he was supposed to do. He pushed the thoughts away and they came upon two women leaving another bar. The vampire tugged his arm and smiled.

"Bingo. They're pretty too." He said wickedly.

Spike watched as the vampire grabbed one of the girls from behind. She started screaming and her friend tried to run away. Spike vamped out and blocked her path. She stared at him with horror and started begging him not hurt her. He glanced over at his new friend who was already feeding from the other woman.

His eyes darted back and forth between the two scenes. A terrified woman screaming at him, and a monster murdering another. A monster just like him. Suddenly he didn't know what to do. He saw a wooden crate lying next to a dumpster. He kicked at it with his boot and shattered it. He picked up one of the planks of wood and held it up. The woman screamed louder, thinking he was going to beat her with it. He moved past her and plunged the wood into the other vampires back. The last thing he saw was a bewildered expression on the vampires face as he exploded into ashes.

Spike threw the makeshift stake onto the ground and started cursing himself.

"Damn it! What the bleeding hell is wrong with you, Spike?" He shouted to himself.

The woman who had been bitten was shaken up and clutching at her neck. Her friend ran over to her and tried to comfort her. They both looked at Spike thankfully.

"You saved my life." The woman with the bite told him gratefully.

He looked at both of them. He was disgusted with himself.

"Get out of here!" He shouted at the women.

They both jumped at his harsh words, but they weren't stupid. They ran quickly in the other direction. Spike stood there completely baffled. He had it made tonight. This vampire could have proven to be a friend to him. They could have worked a deal out. Spike knew he had just ruined any chance of that happening.

Seeing the savagery of the attack affected him. This was what Buffy saw when she looked at him. She saw a creature feeding on innocent lives. And this wasn't something he wanted to be anymore. That thought struck him like a lightening bolt. It startled him and horrified him at the same time. How could he _not_ be this anymore? This was his fate. This was what he was born to be. He wasn't sure it was really possible to change that. But something deep inside himself had already changed. Tonight was proof of that.

A few days later, Spike walked into the Bronze hoping to find Tara. He would have gone to her house, but he didn't know where she lived. He didn't know where else she would hang out, so he took a chance. He knew he probably had no right to seek her out or to speak to her. She was Buffy's friend, not his. But she also seemed to consider him a person. She had treated him kindly the night he had lost his cool with Buffy. He was banking on the fact that she might do so again.

He waded through the crowd and stood underneath the stairs. He slipped past some people and headed up to the catwalk. The catwalk certainly brought back memories of he and Buffy being alone up there. He shook that thought away and peered down over the crowd. Then he saw them. Buffy was there with all her friends. He felt himself longing to be a part of their group, but he knew he wasn't wanted there. He never had been.

He saw Buffy go out to the dance floor with Willow and Anya. Xander went to the bar presumably to get drinks for everyone. He saw Tara left alone at the table. She glanced around and got up. He saw her heading for the ladies room. He made his way down the stairs and stood in the corner near the restrooms. Tara walked out and he stepped in front of her. She stepped back, startled.

"Spike? What are you doing here?" She asked nervously.

"Don't worry. I'm not here to see Buffy. I wanna talk to you." He said quietly.

"Me? Why?"

"I need to ask you something."

"About Buffy?" She asked curiously.

"No. Look can we go somewhere a little more private?" He asked indicating the catwalk.

She looked at him for a moment then nodded her head. They walked upstairs together and stood at the back of the catwalk, away from the railing.

"What's going on?" She asked him.

"Remember how you told me I needed to figure out where I belonged? I needed to start doing things for me again?" He questioned her.

"Right. I-I said that."

"Well I tried. The other night I was at the bar having a few drinks, you know? Then it dawned on me. I'm still a vampire. I should be doing vampire things. Screw the chip, right?" He tried to explain.

Tara looked at him nervously. She suddenly wondered where this conversation was going.

"What did you do?" She asked him.

"I figured since I can't kill anyone, I'd just get someone else to do it for me, you know? That way I could still feed. Things could get back to normal."

"Uh-huh." Tara said nervously.

"But I couldn't do it. I couldn't bloody go through with it." He said still brimming with confusion.

"You couldn't go through with it?" She asked relieved and startled.

"I dusted the poor sod. Damn it! What the hell is wrong with me?" He asked her desperately.

"What do you mean? This is good news, isn't it?" Tara asked confused.

"Good news? Are you mad? I'm a bleeding vampire! What am I supposed to do with that?" He asked her in a loud voice.

Some other club goers who were standing near them glanced in their direction. Tara just smiled sweetly at them and turned to Spike.

"Calm down, Spike."

"How am I supposed to do that?" He asked.

"Look, why are you telling me this?" She wondered curiously.

"Because. You seemed to think before that I wasn't really evil. You said so. I wanna know how that's possible. I wanna know what's happening to me." He pleaded with her.

She looked at him and shook her head.

"I don't know what's happening to you. I just sensed something. You're different. You've known that for awhile." She pointed out.

"But how can I be different? I'm supposed to be evil. That's what a vampire is." He pointed out.

"Usually."

"Yeah, so then why couldn't I let that guy kill for me? Why'd I stop him?"

"I can't answer that."

"Well try!" He pleaded with her.

"I'll just tell you the same thing I told Buffy. No one is chained to fate. We make our own choices and choose our own paths." She explained quietly.

"Even demons like me?"

"Even you." She nodded her head.

He stood there looking at her with a mixture of shock and confusion. None of this made sense. It went against everything he'd always believed about himself. When he had started helping Buffy and her friends, he argued with himself that it was for the money. Or to relieve boredom. Then when he fell in love with her, he did it because she would have wanted him to. Now he had no reasons. All that was left was himself. And suddenly he didn't know who that person was.

"What do I do now?" He asked.

"Whatever you want. Whatever feels right." She smiled.

She turned around and started to walk away from him. He called out after her.

"Tara?"

She turned and faced him.

"Yeah?"

"How is she?" He asked quietly.

Tara smiled.

"She's doing better."

"Good." He said softly. Then he added, "Don't tell her I was here."

"I won't."

She turned around and walked down the stairs. He leaned over the railing and saw her rejoin their group. He saw Buffy come in from the dance floor and sit next to Tara. They spoke for a minute and he saw Buffy laugh at something that was said. He smiled to himself. It was good to see her happy again. Even if it was without him.

Buffy stood in front of her mirror and again and scrutinized her reflection. She turned around and looked at Dawn who was lying on Buffy's bed reading a magazine.

"Are you sure I look respectable? I want to make a good impression. I really want this job." Buffy told her.

"You look fine, Buffy."

"Yeah, but do you respect me?"

"No. But that's just cause I know you." Dawn teased with a smile.

Buffy picked up a throw pillow and tossed it at Dawn. She ducked away from it.

"Hey! Be nice. You have Slayer strength remember?" Dawn laughed.

"Yes, I do. Don't you think that warrants a little respect?" Buffy asked raising her eyebrow.

"Okay, you look respectable." Dawn conceded. "I'm sure you'll get the job. If not, you can always beg." Dawn offered.

"I might have to." Buffy said worriedly.

"I'm sure you won't." Dawn assured her.

"Do I look fashionable? This job is in a clothing store. If I look lame, they'll laugh at me." Buffy worried.

"You look very fashionable. Quit worrying so much."

"You're right. I look good." Buffy smiled, trying to be confident.

"Are you going to be home for dinner tonight?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah. I'm even going to cook. Well, try anyway. Spaghetti?" Buffy asked.

"Sounds good." Dawn smiled.

Dawn was so relieved to have Buffy acting more like herself again. Dawn really didn't know what had happened with her. She knew that things were really messed up for a long time. But things seemed to be getting better finally. Buffy spent time with her again. They talked and laughed like they used to before everything had gotten insane.

Buffy still patrolled every night, but Dawn was okay with that. She knew she had been selfish too. Buffy had a lot to deal with and she had only made things worse before. She felt guilty about it, but Buffy seemed to have forgiven her. Things were finally starting to feel real again for the first time since before their mother had died. It wasn't perfect, but then again, nothing ever was.

"I need to get going now. I'll be back before five." Buffy said to Dawn as she grabbed her purse.

"I'll be here."

"Good." Buffy said as she walked out the door. Then she peeked her head back in. "You meant your own room, right?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

Dawn picked herself off the bed and sighed.

"Fine. It's not like I was hurting anything in here." Dawn said shaking her head.

"Yeah, but I don't want you in my closet. You still haven't given me back my purple shirt." Buffy pointed out.

"I will." Dawn said rolling her eyes.

"Get out." Buffy said with a smile.

Dawn pretended to be annoyed but they both knew this was just normal sisterly stuff. It wasn't like before. They both could deal with this.

A week later, Buffy sat a table in a coffee shop with Willow and Tara. Things were much better between the two witches. They were tentatively back together. Nothing was serious yet, but they agreed to be friends again. Buffy was happy for them. It gave her hope that one day she'd find happiness like that.

"So, how was your first day at work?" Willow asked curiously.

"It was okay. Actually it was kind of fun." She smiled sincerely.

"That's great." Tara smiled.

"Yeah, except I already saw three outfits I wanted to buy with my first paycheck. I'm thinking that working around clothes might be a distraction." Buffy laughed.

"It's better than hamburgers though." Willow pointed out.

"Very much better." Buffy nodded her head.

Willow stood up from the table.

"I'll be right back. I need to use the ladies room. Too much coffee already." Willow told them.

She walked into the back of the coffee shop and Tara looked after her with a smile. Buffy noticed and touched her on the arm.

"Still crazy about her, huh?" Buffy asked.

"What? Oh, was I being obvious?" Tara asked sheepishly.

"Kinda." Buffy smiled.

"I missed her. Being away from her was really hard."

"I know the feeling." Buffy said softly.

"How are you doing? Have you seen Spike?" She asked.

Buffy shook her head.

"No. I haven't."

"Do you miss him?" Tara asked curiously.

Buffy nodded her head.

"Yeah. It's weird. I mean, when we were together things were awful. I mean they really were. I didn't think that staying away from him was going to hurt like this." Buffy said, confused over her own feelings.

"Maybe you should see him?" Tara offered.

"No. I can't. I don't even know if he's still in town. And even if he was, he probably wouldn't want to see me." Buffy said seriously.

"I'm sure he would."

"I don't know. I don't miss the way things were. I don't want to go back to that. I don't know what I miss…It's just sometimes I miss…" Buffy trailed off.

"Him? You miss him?" She finished her thought.

Buffy nodded her head.

"I do."

"Well maybe you could be friends again?"

"We never were friends." Buffy pointed out.

"Well, you could change that." Tara told her.

"I don't know. He's probably all moved on by now…Let's talk about something else." Buffy said shaking away her thoughts of Spike.

"Okay."

Just then Willow came back and sat down with them.

"Whatcha guys talking about?" She asked.

Tara looked at Buffy wondering if she wanted to let Willow in on the conversation. Tara knew that Willow was aware of the relationship Spike and Buffy had. But Tara also knew Buffy didn't talk about it with Willow.

"We were just talking about Spike." Buffy admitted.

"Oh. Um, have you seen him?" Willow asked curiously.

"No."

"Oh." Willow said awkwardly, not sure what else to say.

"But we were done talking about it anyway. It's no big. We were just gonna talk about something else. Right?" Buffy asked quickly changing the subject again.

"Right. What else should we talk about?" Tara pondered.

Buffy looked up at the clock and realized that she needed to get home. She had promised Dawn dinner and a video. She looked at her friends.

"Actually, I need to go. Dawn's waiting for me." Buffy told them.

"Oh. Should I come with you?" Willow asked.

"No. That's okay. It's just gonna be sister night, I think. You two should stay and have fun." Buffy smiled at them.

She really wanted them to get back together, and with her there, things weren't going to progress. She figured they wouldn't even miss her.

"Okay. See you later." Willow said with a smile.

"Bye." Buffy walked away from the table and out the door.

Willow looked at Tara curiously.

"So you guys were talking about Spike?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"She misses him, doesn't she?" Willow asked.

"I think she loves him." Tara said softly.

"You do? Did she say that?" Willow asked with surprise.

"No. But she didn't have to. I'm not sure she knows it yet." Tara said thoughtfully.

"Do you think that it's healthy for her to be thinking of him like that? I mean, she's finally getting her life together." Willow said with concern.

"That's _why_ she's thinking of him like that." Tara said with a smile.

"I'm just not sure that he's good for her."

"He might surprise you." Tara told her with a smile.

Buffy walked down the darkened street on her patrol. It had been a slower than normal night for her. She was admittedly getting a little bored out there by herself. Sometimes she missed having someone to patrol with. Her friends were always busy with other things now, and that was okay. But it was still a little lonely. It was times like this that she missed Spike the most.

One thing she had to admit, was that they had always made a really good team. From the moment they stopped fighting each other, and started working together, things had clicked for them. The night he had come to her offering to help defeat Angel was the first time they had fought on the same side. Immediately it seemed like they had always been a team. To anyone watching them on her front porch that night, it would have seemed they'd been partners forever.

She missed that feeling. But she also knew it was deeper than that. There were other things she missed too. She just couldn't define them. Being with him had felt right. She assumed it was only because she was escaping her life, and anything that would allow her to do that would have felt the same way. But now she wasn't so sure. She had no desire to go back to the way things were. Things were terrible. And yet, she still missed him. She wasn't sure what that meant.

She rounded the corner and ran right into a familiar, green skinned demon. He jumped away from her and gave her a frightened look.

"I-I'm just passing through. Don't hurt me. I ain't got no money." The informant said anxiously.

Buffy felt a huge wave of guilt overcome her. She hoped she'd never see this guy again. But here he was in front of her. She wasn't sure what to say.

"I don't want your money."

"Really? Well, you coulda fooled me." He said feeling irritated.

"I'm sorry about the last time. Here." She said handing him a twenty dollar bill.

He took it and stared at her.

"You took way more than that." He told her.

"Yeah, well, you get what you get. That's all I have." She said, desperately wanting to get out of there.

She turned around quickly and started to walk off. He called after her.

"You don't have to give me this. You were right. You can pretty much do what you like." He told her seriously.

She turned around and faced him.

"No. I can't do anything I like. Just keep it." She urged him.

She turned around and walked off again.

"I got a tip for you." He called out.

She walked back over to him.

"I'm listening."

"There's this place, an abandoned factory. There's small group of demons. They like to eat kids. Nasty bunch. You should probably check it out." He told her.

"This a trap?" She asked skeptically. She wouldn't blame him for setting her up after what she did to him before.

"Nah. I didn't know you were gonna be here. How could I set a trap? Besides, that ain't my style." He said slightly offended.

He pulled out a slip of paper and wrote something down.

"Here's the address. You can check it out if you want." He handed it to her.

She watched him walk away and shook her head. He was definitely not deserving of her earlier treatment. He hadn't even held a grudge over what she had done. He was certainly not what you would call an evil demon. She knew human beings who would have been far less forgiving. It gave her something to think about as she headed home to get a better supply of weapons. It might turn out to be an interesting night after all.

Buffy walked down to the factory district. She had her weapons bag in her hand and had her favorite battle axe over her shoulder. Just as she was readying herself to open the door to the factory, it swung open and nearly hit her in the face.

She jumped back startled and got into battle stance. She dropped her bag and raised her weapon.

"Hey now. Watch where you're swinging that thing." Spike told her.

She immediately realized who it was she was getting ready to kill. She lowered her axe.

"Spike? What the hell are you doing here?" She asked, immediately wondering if he was involved with these demons.

"I was just taking care of some business. That's all." He said with a shrug.

Seeing her again was startling. He had no idea she'd show up here. He felt himself becoming nervous and he shifted uncomfortably.

"What kind of business?" She asked suspiciously.

"Just business. Nothing to concern yourself with." He assured her. "What are _you _doing here?"

"I'm looking for a group of demons who have been eating some of the locals. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" She asked him curiously.

"Why would I?"

"Because this is the address I was given, and you just walked out. So I'd say you must know something."

He just stared at her and said nothing. He could sense that she didn't trust him, and that she thought he might be in cahoots with the bad guys. Some things never changed and it pained him.

She waited for his response and got nothing. She shook her head and went to open the door. She started to go inside and he called after her.

"There's nothing to see in there." He told her.

She walked into the room and saw five demons laying on the ground in various states of deadness. She looked at Spike.

"Did you do this?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you just tell me that you killed them?" She asked curiously.

"Well, what did you think I was doing here?" He asked.

She instantly felt guilty for thinking the worst about him. She had to stop doing that. It was just such a shock to see him there. After the way they had left things, she had no idea what he might do next.

"I didn't know what you were doing." She said quietly.

"But you just assumed that I was what? Working with them?" He asked with irritation.

"No." She protested quickly.

"You used to trust me." He said softly.

Buffy didn't know what to say to that. She looked away from him and walked towards the door. She stepped outside and Spike followed her. The whole situation was uncomfortable for them both. This was the first time they had seen each other in almost two months. Finally Spike broke the awkward silence.

"I should probably be going."

He turned around and started to walk away. Buffy watched him and felt her stomach flip nervously. She called out after him.

"Spike! Wait."

He turned and faced her again.

"Why'd you kill them?" She asked.

"They needed killing and I wasn't busy." He shrugged.

She looked at him and smiled.

"So did you bring your band of rogue demon Scoobies with you?" She asked.

"My what?"

"Demon Scoobies." She said feeling a little stupid that he hadn't remembered her earlier joke.

"Oh. Right. Yeah, well, I left them at home." He said, getting the joke.

"Oh."

"Where are your Scoobies? I figured you would all be chained at the hip once you got rid of me." He said with a touch of bitterness.

"I left them at home too." She said, choosing to ignore his bitterness.

"Yeah, I'm more of a lone wolf myself."

"Me too." She agreed.

"It's better that way, right?"

"Actually, I kind of miss having a partner." She said softly.

"Yeah? Well, run along then. I'm sure there's still time to round up one your faithful followers." He encouraged her.

She looked at him and shook her head.

"I was talking about you, stupid." She said with a smirk.

"Me?"

"Yes, you." She smiled at him.

He looked at her and realized she was serious. He smiled back.

"You missed me?"

"Maybe." She said coyly.

He smirked at her.

"So you're saying you wanna patrol together again?" He asked.

"Do you?"

"I think maybe you just wanna keep me with you, so you don't miss out on the action. You're a little miffed I got here first tonight. Afraid I'm stealing your job?" He asked with a joking smile.

"Hey, a girls gotta make a living." She joked.

He chuckled then gave her a serious look.

"So, you still making withdrawals from the First National Bank of Demon?" He asked her.

She looked down at her feet and shifted uncomfortably.

"No. I closed my account there." She said with an embarrassed look.

"Ah. Well, that's good to know."

"I've actually got a real job now. A paying one anyway." She told him with a smile.

"Really? Burger hell take you back?"

"No. Thank God. I work at the mall. It's not much, but it pays the bills." She told him.

"The mall?"

"Yeah, I work in a clothing store. It's actually kind of fun. Plus, I get a discount. And bonus! I don't smell like a grease trap when I leave."

"Yeah, that smell…I meant to tell you about that before." He said with a smirk.

"Yeah, yeah. It was gross. I get it." She said shaking her head.

"You seem happy. Are you happy now?" He asked softly.

"Yeah. I'm doing okay. It's been a little rough, but I'm getting there."

"Yeah, I'm doing okay too." He told her.

"Good. I was wondering."

"You were?" He asked with surprise.

"Well, I hadn't seen you. I-I thought maybe you'd left town." She said nervously.

"Did you want me to leave town?"

"Not really." She admitted.

He smiled at that. At least she wasn't banishing him from her town. That was a start.

"Well, I've been around. Been keeping my distance though. I thought maybe you were the one leaving town." He told her.

"Me? Why?"

"Saw the for sale sign in front of your house the other night." He said looking down at his feet. He was a little embarrassed to admit he still went by her house from time to time.

"Oh, you saw that? I had to put it on the market. It's just too expensive right now." She explained.

"Any takers?"

"Not yet." She smiled.

"Well there's a sucker born every minute, right? I'm sure someone will come along." He laughed.

"That's reassuring."

"Where you gonna live?" He asked.

"I've been looking at some apartments. Nothing special. Just big enough for me and Dawn."

"What about Willow?"

"She's going to move back home for awhile, and then back into the dorm next fall."

"Everything okay there with you two?" He wondered.

"Yeah. Things are okay. I just figured it's time I headed out on my own." Buffy said with a confident look.

"Good for you, then." He said sincerely.

Silence settled over them and they stood there for a moment staring at each other. It felt awkward. But also familiar. Buffy had missed being with him. Their time apart hadn't made her forget all the things that they shared. But then again, she hadn't really wanted to forget. Not entirely.

"So, you wanna do it then?" He asked breaking the silence.

"Do it?" She asked nervously.

"Hit the cemeteries? You said you wanted a partner." He pointed out.

"Right. Do you want to? I mean if you're all lone wolf-y, I understand." She said quickly.

"No, I want to."

"Okay. Good." She smiled.

He stared at her and waited for her to make a move of some sort, but she remained rooted in her spot.

"Are we gonna actually walk, or can you teleport us to the cemetery?" He asked with a sly smile.

"No. We can walk. Sorry. It's just…It's weird to see you again." She admitted.

"Yeah. You too."

"You know this doesn't mean—."

"I know." He stopped her.

"I-I just didn't want you to think—."

"I don't. We're partners. Nothing else. You don't have to explain." He told her.

She nodded her head and they started walking silently. Buffy still couldn't believe she had run into him tonight. He had taken out her demons before she even had a chance to get there. And he hadn't done it for her. He had done it because he wanted to apparently. For whatever reason. It wasn't like he was on this mission of good, but the outcome was the same. Maybe it didn't really matter why?

And in spite of herself, being with him felt good again. It wasn't because she was escaping this time. She wasn't hurting him or using him to make her life better. They were equals. Two people who were completely different, but wanting the same things. She knew that her feelings for him were still strong. But this time it wasn't need or desperation. It was something else. She just wasn't sure what yet.

"We always did make a good team, you know." He said, jolting her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah. We did." She smiled.

"I mean, we can be partners, right? Strictly a working relationship." He said, trying to convince himself of that.

"Yeah. I'm sure we can. We did it before. Sort of." She said awkwardly.

"Right. It'll be a piece of cake."

"Exactly like a piece of cake." She said nodding her head vigorously.

"Besides, I'm completely over you." He told her casually.

She felt her heart break a little at his words. She didn't want to let that show.

"Me too. I-I mean, I'm over you. Completely." She stammered nervously.

His heart ached at her words. But he said nothing. She gave him a sideways glance.

"Are you really?" She asked in a small voice.

He looked at her and gave a small smile.

"You have to remember, Love. I'm also a liar."

She didn't look at him but she smiled to herself.

"Me too." She whispered softly.

Silence overcame them again and they continued walking. Neither one really knew what was happening. Some things were better left unsaid. Their future was uncertain, as it always was. But there _was_ a future. They both knew this time things would be different. They were both different now. There was no turning back, just starting over.

Feedback is appreciated!


	5. Parted And Brokenhearted

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters here. I merely borrow them to create a fantasy world of my own.

**Author's Note:** This is the Fifth part of my **Chained To Fate** series. There is one more part to go and it will be complete! The title, **Parted and Broken Hearted**, is from the song **Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps **by **Cake. **

**Summary:** Buffy and Spike have developed a shaky friendship. Buffy is still trying to cope with changes in her life, and Spike is trying to be supportive. But how will they remain friends when they both want so much more?

**Rating:** R

~You won't admit you love me

And so, how am I ever to know?

You only tell me, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

So if you really love me, say yes

But if you don't dear, confess

And please don't tell me, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… ~ CAKE

Buffy sat on her living room floor. She was surrounded by boxes and the only thing left in the room was the television and the couch. She had sold almost everything else that didn't have any special meaning to her or Dawn. They needed to downsize considerably if they were going to fit everything into their tiny new apartment.

Willow had moved out that morning. In the end, she and Tara had decided to get back together. Willow was moving into her place. Buffy was really excited for the both of them. She was so glad that they had managed to work out their differences and find happiness again.

Dawn was spending the night with them so Buffy could finish some last minute things. and also Dawn said she wanted to help Willow settle in. Buffy sat silently looking around at the place that had been her home for six years. It seemed different now. Once her mom had died, it had never really felt like home anymore. Buffy realized that it was probably time to make a new home for Dawn and herself. A place with no bitter memories. A place where they could truly start everything over again.

But it was still sad for her. It was almost like saying goodbye to her mother all over again. But it was necessary. Buffy couldn't afford the mortgage anymore. And it seemed like every time she turned around, something was breaking. It just wasn't feasible anymore for her to live there.

She got up and went over to the mantle. She pulled a picture of her mother down and looked at it. She missed her so much. She felt herself getting a little teary and she wiped her eyes. Just then, she heard a knock at her door. She walked over and opened it.

"Spike?" She said, as she saw him standing on her front porch.

"Hey. I saw your light was on. Thought I'd say hi." He said with a shrug.

Things between them were very awkward. They had been patrolling together almost every night since they had run into each other again. Neither one of them pushed for more than that. They were both afraid to say much of anything, for fear it would ruin the shaky relationship that they had built.

Buffy smiled at him.

"I was just packing up some things." She told him.

"Yeah? You've been crying." He pointed out observantly.

"Sort of." She admitted.

"Did something happen?" He asked.

"No. It's just a little sad, that's all." She explained.

"Right. I guess it would be."

She suddenly noticed that he was still standing on her porch and she looked at him.

"You can come in if you want." She told him.

He walked through the door and they went into what was left of the living room.

"Where's Dawn?" He asked curiously.

"She's with Will and Tara. Helping them settle in. If you ask me, she just wanted to get out of helping me pack." Buffy said with a small smile.

"Probably right. You want me to help?" He offered.

"You don't have to. It's really kind of boring."

"I don't mind. But if you want me to go—."

"No." She said quickly. Then she realized she sounded a little to anxious. "I-I mean, whatever you want."

He noticed her awkwardness and he had to admit he felt the same way. When he was with her now, he was never sure how he was supposed to act. Or what he should say. It felt worse than when she first came back and would come see him. At least then, things were less complicated. Now there was so much between them. It made it more difficult to act naturally.

He smiled at her.

"What should I do first?" He asked.

"Well, I was just packing away some of the pictures and stuff. You could gather them up, and I could just put them in a box." She offered, pointing to the various pictures still on the walls.

He went over and started taking things off the walls for her. She watched him for a moment and smiled to herself. Sometimes he could be so normal. Times like this it was so easy to forget who he really was. Or who she really was. Times like this they were just two ordinary people.

He pulled a picture off the mantle and looked at it closely. He held it up and turned to Buffy.

"How old were you here?" He asked, noticing a picture of a very young Buffy and Dawn.

Buffy walked over and looked at it. She shrugged.

"I think I was about ten."

"Cute." He smiled at her.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"More like dork. Look at my hair. And that outfit? Ugh." She said with a smile.

He laughed and shook his head.

"Well, you look better now. But still." He said with a laugh.

"Thanks." She said shaking her head.

"Is this your dad?" He asked, pointing at the man sitting in the background with a smile on his face.

"Yeah." She said quietly, looking down at her feet.

"Sore subject?" He asked, noting her discomfort.

"A little. I haven't heard from him in a long time. Not even when Mom died. Or when I died, apparently." She said with a touch of bitterness.

"They didn't tell him." He pointed out quickly.

"What?"

"Your friends, they didn't tell your father that you died. They didn't tell anyone." He admitted softly.

"Right because that robot was taking my place." She said shaking her head.

The robot was still a touchy subject for him. He hated that he'd had it created in the first place. He never meant for it to actually replace her. But that's exactly what had happened in the end. But it was never the same.

"You know that stupid bot couldn't replace you. Not in a million years." He said seriously.

"You seemed to think she could." She said looking at him pointedly.

He felt like an idiot, and tried to hide his embarrassment. He lowered his head.

"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" He said softly.

"Yeah."

"It didn't work though. She still wasn't you. No one else could be." He told her.

"Lucky me. Sometimes I wonder if people liked the robot better." She said softly.

"What? No." He protested.

"I mean, she looked like me. And for the most part, did everything I do. Only she was pleasant and cheerful. And didn't have any baggage."

"Please. What's interesting about that? I like your baggage." He said with a smile.

"You like my baggage? You like that sometimes I'm completely insane? Or that I can be a total bitch? That's interesting to you?" She asked incredulously.

"Well, it is. I mean, I never know what you're gonna say or do next. And even though you tend to drive me crazy, I like it. It makes you…well, you." He explained.

She thought about what he was saying and it made her smile. He wasn't just trying to make her feel better. He was serious. He meant what he said. He loved her, faults and all.

"Thanks. I think." She said with a small smile.

He smiled back and looked down at the picture again. Then he looked back up at her. He was curious about her life. Not just her life right now, but her past. The things that made her who she was.

"Why did your dad split?" He asked carefully.

She looked at him and her expression turned harder. It was obviously not a pleasant subject.

"I don't know, really." She shook her head.

"You think it was because of something you did, don't you?" He asked intuitively.

"Maybe. I wasn't exactly the easiest child to raise. My parents fought about me all the time. One day, he just left. You do the math." She said bitterly.

"I'm sure it wasn't because of you."

"That's what they tell me. But if I hadn't of been the Slayer, I think my parents might still be together. Dawn would still have a real family."

"You _really_ think you broke up your family?" He asked.

"Well, they say tension can cause a marriage to fail. I was the source of that tension. So yeah." She said with tears forming in her eyes.

"Well, if people can't overcome a little tension and work things out, then they were doomed to begin with." He said seriously.

He couldn't help but think of the massive amounts of tension and pain he and Buffy had caused each other. And yet, here they were. Not together really, but not apart either.

She looked at him and pushed back the tears that threatened to fall.

"But if I had somehow been better—." She whispered.

"No. Don't even think that."

"He used to visit me, you know? I used to spend the summer with him. But then he met someone else. I-I think she had kids too, maybe. Better kids…who weren't the Slayer. I haven't seen him since then." She told him.

He saw the pain in her eyes and it hurt him. He knew that talking about this was probably not winning him any points with her. But he also sensed it was something that she needed to talk about. Something that she buried so deep, she wasn't even aware of how much it affected her.

"Not all men leave because they find something better." He said softly, not looking at her directly.

"Yes they do." She whispered sadly.

"No they don't." He stated firmly.

"My father, Angel, Riley, Giles…They all leave. And it's because of me. Because of something I did, or didn't do. Or because I wasn't good enough, or strong enough." She said letting the tears fall at the truths that she believed for so long.

"If they really loved you, nothing would have made them go. If that's why they left? Then you don't need them."

She looked up at him and saw the truth behind his eyes. The truth that there was still at least one man who had never left. One man she couldn't get rid of, even when she wanted to. It was stirring that the one person without a soul, was the only one with a heart big enough to take her in.

"You're still here." She said quietly.

"I am." He said moving over closer to her.

She looked up at him and felt her heart start to race. She wanted to kiss him right now. Kiss him until she couldn't breathe anymore. And it wasn't because she needed escape from the truth. It was because for the first time, she wanted to embrace the truth.

She moved a little closer and they were almost touching now. He stared down into her eyes.

"I won't ever leave." He whispered.

The air was thick between them. Even though breathing wasn't necessary for him, suddenly Spike felt like he needed oxygen. They were standing so close, but he knew they were still worlds apart. She was sad right now. Vulnerable. He couldn't start things with her like this again. Not now. Not yet. He backed away from her, and went over to the mantle again.

She felt herself deflate a little. The room grew quiet and finally Spike turned around to face her.

"We better get back to work. It's getting late. You'll never finish packing." He said, changing the subject.

"Right. Um, I'm gonna go upstairs and get some more boxes." She said, suddenly needing to leave the room.

He watched her go and he let out a sigh. He could kick himself for ruining the moment they had been sharing. He had wanted to kiss her more than anything. But if he had, everything would be different again. He feared that it would force her walls back up, and he would lose her. He couldn't risk it. Not yet. He wanted to be sure that she wasn't just using him to feel better this time. And until then, he would have to wait.

Buffy went into her room and sat down on the edge of the bed. She didn't know what was happening. Every time she was near Spike, she felt her heart expanding. Growing just enough to let him in. And that terrified her. She wanted to keep things simple. She didn't want to slip back into the darkness again. She kept telling herself that being friends was acceptable. Any more than that would only lead to pain. That's why she continued to fight it. But it was getting harder.

Finally she walked downstairs with some more boxes in her arms. She found Spike stacking pictures neatly in one of the boxes. He looked up at her as she entered the room.

"I think I've got all the knick knacks and such. What do you want to do with all these magazines?" He asked her.

"Um, we can just toss them. They're old."

"No reason to toss something just because it's old." He smirked.

She smiled at him.

"If you want them, you can have them. Although I can't see you sitting in your crypt reading Cosmo."

He looked at the headlines on one of the magazines.

"Fifty ways to please your man." He read aloud. Then he smirked. "Is this where you learned all your moves?" He joked.

"Shut up." She said feeling embarrassed. "I learned all those moves myself. Well, except for that one thing…I mean, I never would have thought of that." She said thoughtfully.

"Which thing?"

"You know…_That_ thing. The one that you liked so much." She said blushing.

"Oh, _that_ thing. Yeah. I liked that." He said thoughtfully.

She suddenly realized what they were talking about and shook her head.

"Oh my god…I can't believe we're talking about this." She said surprised at how easily the mood had shifted between them.

"Here. Maybe you should just keep this one." He said with a grin as he handed the magazine to her.

She took it and shoved it into a box without saying another word.

They spent the next hour packing up the remainder of her things. Finally, exhausted, Buffy lay herself down in the middle of the floor. Surrounded by boxes, Spike looked down at her.

"You hungry?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"You want to order something? Pizza? Chinese?" He inquired.

"Chinese sounds good. What about you? I don't have any vampire cuisine, and they don't deliver that." She said with a smirk.

"I'm fine. I could go for some sweet and sour pork though." He said with a smile.

"Get the phone."

He went over and grabbed the cordless. He walked back over to her.

"What's the number?" He asked.

"Are you going to order it?"

"Unless you don't want me to." He told her.

"No. Go ahead. The number is on the fridge." She said, pointing to the kitchen.

"What do you want?"

"Orange chicken." She told him.

He started for the kitchen.

"Oh, and some steamed rice." She called out.

He walked a little further into the kitchen.

"Oh and a few spring rolls." She said again.

He turned around looked at her with a smile.

"You're gonna eat all that?" He asked with amusement.

"What? Am I being a pig?" She asked sheepishly.

"No. You gotta appreciate a woman with a healthy appetite."

"I'm all slayer-y. It requires extra nourishment." She said with a pout.

"Anything else, Slayer?" He asked her.

"Maybe some chow mien." She said softly.

He just laughed at her and walked into the kitchen. He loved this. For tonight, they were like a normal couple. Except they weren't a couple. And they weren't normal. But right now, he wanted to believe that they were.

They both sat on the floor with food spread all around them. The delivery man had just dropped it off a few minutes ago. Buffy opened up her container of rice and set it in front of her.

"You didn't have to pay for all this." She said to him, as she took a bite.

"It's alright. I didn't mind." He shrugged.

"Where did you get the money?" She asked curiously.

"What?"

"I'm just curious. I mean, are you still gambling and stuff?" She asked.

"Would that piss you off?" He asked raising his eyebrow.

She shrugged.

"No."

"Well, then yeah." He smiled.

"You know, maybe you should get a job." She told him.

"A job? Right. Good one." He said with a laugh.

"I'm serious."

"Where am I gonna get a job? And why the hell would I want to?" He asked her.

"Never mind. It was stupid. You're right." She said shaking her head.

"You want me to put on a cow hat and take up your old job?" He joked.

"No. But I'd seriously pay to see that." She smiled.

"Well, it's never gonna happen."

"I'm sure we could think of something you could do." She said thoughtfully.

"Like what? Your personal butler or something?" He laughed.

"No." She said shaking her head. Then she looked up at him. "I have an idea."

"What is it this time? Grave robbing?" He joked.

She glared at him.

"No. That's not even funny."

"Sorry, it's just your entrepreneurial ideas so far have been a little out there, even for me." He explained.

"Well, if you don't want to hear it—."

"Alright. Tell me. What perfect job have you dreamed up for me?" He asked with a sigh.

"You're good at fighting, right? Well, that must be a useful skill somehow." She started to explain.

"You wanna start a demon fight club? Sounds interesting." He told her.

"No, not a fight club. You could teach self defense." She said with a proud smile.

"Self defense?"

"Yeah. See, I figure the people in this town could use a few pointers. You know, so that if they ever come across a baddie, they might have a fighting chance. We could do it together." She said happily.

"Teach a class? Me and you?" He asked incredulously.

"Why not? I mean, you could be the attacker and I could fend you off." She explained.

"Why do I have to be the attacker? Because I'm the vampire?" He asked huffily.

"No, because you're the man. That's how those classes work. Men are evil and women will rise above it all and kick their asses." Buffy smirked.

"You aren't actually serious about this, are you?" He asked her curiously.

"I'm just brainstorming." She said dismissively.

"Well don't hurt yourself." He teased her.

"Shut up. I'd like to see you come up with a better idea." She said giving him a pointed look.

"I liked the demon fight club idea."

"No, it has to be something legal." She protested.

"Legal? Where's the fun in that?"

"Jobs aren't supposed to be fun. They're supposed to be work. See? I've learned that. If jobs were fun, then no one would look forward to their day off." She said matter of factly.

"You have a point." He agreed. Then he looked at her. "I could be a tour guide."

"A tour guide? Of what?"

"I'd call it the Sunnydale crypt tour. A thrilling adventure through the finest cemeteries Sunnydale has to offer. Complete with a newly risen vampire dusting reenactment. That's where you come in, Love." He said with a smirk.

"Oh my god. That's your idea?" She asked with a laugh.

"Sure. It's like the Universal Studios tour. You know, where Jaws pops out and pretends to eat the people on the tour bus? Only this is with vampires. People love to be scared. They'd pay big money to be saved from a 'pretend' vampire attack." He pointed out.

"Okay, you're insane. Or possibly a genius. I haven't decided." She said, trying to stifle her laughter.

"Both, I suspect." He laughed.

He watched her as she continued to laugh. She looked so beautiful when she was happy. He hadn't seen her smile that much when they were together. It made him love her even more. Finally she stopped laughing and took a deep breath.

"I think maybe you were right. You don't need a job." She said shaking her head.

He smiled at her. Then he looked down at the food that was scattered in front of them. He picked up one of their fortune cookies and opened it up. He started chuckling to himself.

"What does it say?" Buffy asked.

"You will live a long and fruitful life." Spike said with a grin.

"Well, I don't know about the fruitful part…"

"Hey, my life is very fruitful." He protested.

"You know, if you keep saying the word 'fruitful' it sounds really stupid. What the hell does fruitful mean anyway? Lots of fruit? Is that _really_ a good thing?" She asked with a smile.

He laughed at her and shook his head.

"You're funny." He smiled at her sincerely.

She looked at him and realized that they were having a seriously normal dinner together. They were laughing and joking comfortably with each other. She was having such a good time, that it frightened her. She wasn't supposed to be enjoying his company this much. She felt the need to leave the room and try and get herself back to reality for a minute.

"I'm gonna get something to drink. You want something?" She asked nervously.

"You have beer?" He asked.

"No. I have Coke."

"That'll do."

She walked into the kitchen and gabbed two Cokes out of the nearly empty fridge. She went back into the living room and handed him his soda. She sat down across from him again.

"What does yours say?" He asked her.

"What?"

"Your fortune. Read it." He said, handing her the cookie.

She sighed and cracked it open. She read the fortune to herself and then looked up at him.

"Look no further, happiness is right in front of you." She read aloud.

He smiled at her.

"Good advice, don't you think?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

She tossed the paper down.

"It's just a stupid fortune. It's not like it actually means anything."

"Sure it does."

"Right, and your life is full of fruit." She said with a smirk.

He shook his head and laughed.

"Fine. You win."

She looked at the clock and realized it was getting late. She had to get up early and get everything moved out. Even though she wasn't tired, she was looking for an excuse for him to leave. Things were just getting too comfortable between them, and it was freaking her out. Plus, her stupid fortune had just been a little too convenient. Happiness right in front of her. And who was sitting in front of her? Spike. It was just a little too much for one evening.

She forced herself to yawn and looked at him.

"I'm tired. I've got a long day tomorrow." She said hinting that it was time for him to go.

"Right. Is that my cue?" He asked.

"Sort of."

"Alright. Wanna patrol tomorrow after you get settled in?" He asked trying to casual.

"No. I can't. We're having a sort of 'moving in' party. Just the gang." She told him.

"Oh. Another time then." He said, trying to disguise the fact that he was hurt not to be included as part of that gang.

"Yeah, another time."

He got up and walked to the door. She followed after him. He opened it and turned around to look at her.

"Goodnight." He said softly.

"Goodnight."

He started to walk out and she called out after him.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"You could come to the party. I-if you want. I might need someone to help me move the furniture around." She said with a small smile.

"Sure." He said nodding his head.

"Okay. See you later."

He smiled and walked down the steps. He heard her close the door behind him. He was a little saddened to think that this was the last time he'd be coming around this house. His favorite lurking tree was going to be useless now. Unless he planned to start watching the new family. Which he didn't. There were a lot of memories in that place. It was the place he had gone when he was depressed about Drusilla breaking up with him. He had sat in that kitchen with Joyce and spilled his guts out. It was the coveted house that Buffy had banished him from, and then later reopened the doors for him.

Over the summer, he had spent countless hours there with Dawn. To the point it almost felt as if he belonged there. And it was the place where he saw Buffy alive for the first time. That stairway had been witness to one of his happiest moments. But now it was time to move on. It was symbolic in a way, he supposed.

Out with the old and in with the new. She had essentially already invited him into her new home. In his mind, it was almost like an invitation back into her life again. And possibly into her heart. Things were looking up for them, he thought. Tonight had been a welcome change. It was the first time she had allowed him to do anything other than fight demons with her. It was social and not business. That meant something to him. He suspected it meant something to her too.

Buffy stood in the middle of her new living room. Boxes were piled almost to the ceiling and her furniture was shoved into a corner. Her bedroom looked even worse. She realized now that she still had way too much stuff.

"Where do you want this bookshelf?" Xander asked her, as he attempted to come through the front door. The bookshelf was standing in his way.

"The roof? It's about the only place it's gonna fit." Buffy said shaking her head.

"I could put it in Dawn's room. I think there's an empty wall in there." Xander told her.

"Yeah, okay." She said absently.

Xander motioned for one of his buddies from work to come help him from outside. They picked up the shelf and carried it into Dawn's room. Two more of Xander's construction friends walked through the door carrying a large chair.

"Where does this go, Betty?" One of them asked.

"It's Buffy, and I have no idea." She said, getting flustered at her lack of space.

This was worse than getting used to a dorm room. At least then, most of her stuff had stayed at home. She had only brought her bare essentials. Now it was like cramming her entire house into a dorm room. It just wasn't going to happen.

The two guys shrugged and walked past her with the chair. Willow and Tara walked in with some boxes.

"What's in those boxes?" Buffy asked.

Willow looked at the label.

"Books."

"Want some books? You can have them. It's not like I read anyway." Buffy said sadly.

"What?" Willow asked.

"I have no more room. Look at this place?" Buffy said, sitting down on a stack of boxes.

Willow and Tara put their boxes on top of the others and went over to Buffy. Willow touched her on the arm.

"Garage sale? Next weekend?" She asked with a sympathetic smile.

Buffy smiled.

"I never knew I had this much stuff. And I even got rid of a ton of it." She told them.

"You'll get things organized." Tara assured her.

"I guess."

Xander walked out from the back of the apartment and looked at Buffy.

"Okay, Dawn's room was a no go for the bookshelf." He told her.

"Where is it?"

"The bathroom." He said with a sigh.

"A bookshelf in the bathroom?" Buffy asked.

"It was either that, or on the balcony." He pointed out.

"No. The recliner is on the balcony." One of Xander's friends pointed out as he walked through the room.

"Ahh!" Buffy cried.

"It's okay. You know, maybe you can sit back and look at stars or something?" Tara offered her.

"Yeah. And while you're in the bathtub, you'll have plenty of books to read." Willow said with a smile.

"That's the last of the stuff." One of the guys called out from outside.

"Oh thank God." Buffy sighed.

"We've gotta get the moving truck back. We'll be back later, okay?" Xander told her, as he patted her on the back.

"Yeah. We're gonna go too. We need to get the food for tonight's party." Willow smiled.

"Good luck finding my kitchen." Buffy said shaking her head.

"We'll be back soon." Tara said giving Buffy a hug.

It seemed in a matter of seconds, everyone was gone. Buffy slumped down on the edge of her couch. As she did, a mountain of boxes fell onto her head, then broke open all over the floor. She rubbed her head and looked at all the junk that had fallen out of the boxes. She was so stressed out, she was almost in tears.

"Buffy? Why is there a bookshelf in front of the toilet?" Dawn asked, peeking her head into the room.

Buffy just held her head in her hands and started to laugh. She wanted to cry, but the whole thing was so ridiculous, all she could do was laugh.

"Welcome to our new life." She muttered as she shook her head. "So far, it's not a whole lot better than the old one."

That evening, everyone was milling around Buffy and Dawn's new home. Space was very limited, and it was standing room only. Everyone was talking and eating the snacks that Willow and Tara had prepared. Buffy was trying to have a good time, but she was so preoccupied with the mess surrounding them, it was hard for her to relax.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Buffy attempted to answer it, but she was crammed in a corner across the room. Xander was closest to the door, and he went to open it. Spike stood there with a six pack of beer under his arm.

"Evening." He said cordially, to his least favorite of Buffy's friends.

"You found this place already? I guess Buffy didn't move far enough away." Xander said icily.

Spike stared at him, and tried to resist the urge to punch him. He smiled.

"She told me where she moved to." He said calmly.

"Well, guess what? The locks have been changed. New place? Old invitations don't stand." Xander said, trying to get Spike to leave.

Before Spike could say anything that was appropriately rude, Buffy squished her way over to the door.

"Spike. You came." She said with a smile.

His face lit up when he saw her.

"I said I would." He told her with a grin.

They were both effectively ignoring Xander's presence and it was irking him.

"You invited him?" Xander asked confused.

"Yes." Buffy said a tad uncomfortably.

"Why?" Xander asked dumbfounded.

"Maybe because she wanted to." Spike interjected.

"That can't be it." Xander said sarcastically.

"Stop it you two." Buffy said getting irritated.

She had enough stress right now, she didn't need this too.

"But—." Xander started.

"Go. Over there." Buffy said to him sternly, as she pointed across the room.

Xander glared at Spike and stalked off to where Anya was sitting on a box. Buffy looked back at Spike.

"Sorry about that." She said sheepishly.

"Why didn't you tell them I was coming?" He asked her.

"I-I didn't really think about it." She admitted.

"Well, no big deal." He shrugged.

She stood there looking at him. She wondered if it had been a mistake to invite him. Spike hanging around all her friends, never seemed to work out well. It was like two worlds colliding or something. She and Spike were fine when they were alone, but around everyone else the pressure was on. He noticed her vacant stare and looked at her curiously.

"Do I actually get to come in? Or am I the door man for the evening?" He asked her.

"Oh. Right. Sorry. You can come in." She said awkwardly.

He stepped through the door and into the tiny entryway. He handed her the beer he brought.

"It looks like you could use this." He said, noting the cramped and chaotic atmosphere of the room.

"Maybe later." She said with a small smile, as she set it on the kitchen counter.

They crammed their way into the room and Dawn came up to them.

"Spike. I haven't seen you in a long time." Dawn said with a grin.

"I've been around."

"Welcome to our tiny home." She said giving the place a disapproving glance.

"It's not so bad." Spike said with a shrug.

"Could I live with you?" Dawn asked jokingly.

"What?"

"Your crypt is actually bigger and nicer than this apartment." Dawn said rolling her eyes.

"Hey. This was the best I could do." Buffy said defensively.

She knew Dawn was joking, but it still pained her that Dawn hated the place. She hated it too, but there wasn't anything they could do about it.

"Sorry. It's just small." Dawn said guiltily.

"I know." Buffy groaned.

"It's still better than the crypt. Trust me. I don't have a balcony." He said pointing to their sliding glass door, that led to the small balcony.

Dawn shrugged.

"I guess."

Buffy suddenly felt claustrophobic in the tiny room. She looked at both of them.

"I'll be right back." She said quickly, as she walked to the back of the apartment.

Spike watched her walk away and sensed that she was feeling overwhelmed. A party, even if it was well intentioned, was probably the last thing she wanted now. He decided to try and talk with her friends. He headed for safer waters, and went over to Willow and Tara.

"Hey." Tara said to him with a smile.

"Hello. Great party." He said, trying to think of something normal and pleasant to say.

"Yeah." Willow agreed.

"I-I think Buffy's a little flustered, though." Tara pointed out.

"Yeah. I picked up on that." Spike agreed.

"I thought she was okay. I mean, a little stressed out, but okay." Willow said to them.

"I'm sure she'll be fine. It's all new for her." Tara explained.

"Where is she anyway?" Willow asked.

"She went back there." Spike pointed down the hallway.

"She probably just needed a minute to herself." Tara rationalized.

Buffy sat in her bathroom, in the bathtub, on a stack of boxes. She could hear everyone talking in the other room, and for the first time in awhile, she wanted to escape again. The reality of the new apartment, coupled with the sadness at losing her old home was really starting to hit her.

There was a knock at the door and she was startled out of her thoughts.

"Yeah?" She called out.

"You okay in there?" Spike asked her through the door.

"I guess." She said unenthusiastically.

"Are you sick or something?" He asked concerned.

"Or something." She complained.

He pushed the door open slowly, hoping that she wouldn't get mad. Or that she wasn't in a compromising position. He peeked his head in and didn't see her. All he saw was a large bookshelf in front of the toilet and boxes stacked up along the wall.

"Where are you?" He asked.

"In the tub." She said softly.

He smiled at that.

"Are you naked?" He asked, not able to help himself.

She yanked the curtain away from the bathtub and gave him an annoyed look. He saw her perched on top of the boxes, fully clothed and he started to laugh.

"What the hell is all that stuff?" He asked her.

"Didn't you notice? This is my library. I know it looks like a bathroom, but that toilet? It's just for show. It's like modern art." She said wryly.

"Well, I love it. It's very…unique." He smiled.

"This place sucks. I feel like I'm that old woman. You know? The one who lived in the shoe?" She said sadly.

"Well, she had too many children. You just have too much crap. There's a difference." He pointed out with a smirk.

She couldn't help but laugh at that. He came over and sat on the edge of the tub and looked at her.

"It's gonna be okay, you know. This place really isn't so bad. You just need to get unpacked." He said sincerely attempting to make her feel better.

"You need some stuff? I've got spare crap apparently." She said pointing at all the boxes in the room.

"Maybe."

She looked at him and smiled. She suddenly realized how glad she was that he had come tonight. She knew she was being a coward by leaving him out there, to the wolves, so to speak. She'd invited him and promptly disappeared to sulk in her bathroom/library. She just wasn't sure she could deal with everyone's disapproving comments and glances at her choice in party guests. That coupled with the stress and sadness of the move, was just a little overwhelming.

"I should probably go out and put on my happy face, huh? I mean, I guess I'm being a little selfish. Things could be worse. In fact, they have been. A lot worse. At least we aren't living in a refrigerator box behind the Mini Mart." She said trying to lighten her mood.

"Yeah, it could be worse." He agreed.

"For awhile there, I was thinking of asking you if you knew of any vacant crypts. I was afraid we'd have to be neighbors." She joked.

"That wouldn't have been so bad. Short commute to work and all."

She laughed and looked at him.

"I'm glad you came." She said softly.

"You are?"

"Don't let it go to your head or anything." She said rolling her eyes.

He just offered her his hand and she took it. She stepped out of the tub and straightened her clothes. She took a deep breath and they headed back out into the living room.

Xander noticed them coming out from the back of the apartment together. He immediately felt himself getting irritated and nervous. He knew now that Buffy and Spike had had a little fling. But it was supposed to be over. Completely finished. He didn't understand why Buffy invited him in the first place. And now they had disappeared together. Things weren't looking good.

He walked over to them as they came into the room.

"Where were you guys?" He asked suspiciously.

"The bathroom." Buffy said.

"Together?" Xander asked, giving Spike an icy look.

Buffy groaned and shook her head.

"I was sulking in the tub and Spike was just checking on me." She tried to explain.

"You were in the tub? And what exactly was he checking? Your water temperature?" Xander asked her accusingly.

"Xander…" Buffy started to explain. Then she stopped herself.

She was tired of always feeling the need to explain herself and her actions. Worrying about what everyone else thought was one of her biggest problems. She was just too tired right now to care.

"What?" Xander asked, waiting for her explanation.

"Just shut up." She said exasperated. She turned around and walked away from him. He could think whatever he wanted, she told herself.

Spike stood there with a smirk. Xander glared at him.

"What the hell were you two doing in there?" He asked angrily.

"What business is it of yours?"

"I saw what happened to Buffy the last time you two decided to get with the lovin'. I'm not letting you suck her back into that misery. Stay away from her." Xander said getting into Spike's face.

"You think I was the cause of Buffy's misery? Think again." Spike said irritated.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Part of her misery was because she was so afraid of what you and the rest of her so-called friends would think of us, that she felt like she had to become someone else just to be with me. Did you ever think about what your nasty judgments do to her?" Spike asked seriously.

"I don't judge her. I love her. I care about what happens to her. And if she feels the need to throw her life away with some_thing_ like you, I'm not gonna sit back and smile about it." Xander told him heatedly.

"If you were a real friend, you would." Spike pointed out.

"No. A real friend would want to help." Xander said firmly.

"You wanna help? Then stop pressuring her to be what you want her to be. I've tried it. It doesn't work." Spike said seriously.

"I'm not pressuring her to be anything. I want her to be happy." Xander protested.

"Even if it's with me?"

Xander stared at him. He didn't know how to respond. He just couldn't fathom why Buffy would have any interest in Spike. He was a vampire. The thing she was supposed to kill. There was no logic behind it at all.

"You don't make her happy." Xander said finally.

"I can. And that's more than I can say for you." Spike said, as he pushed past him.

The conversation was over as far as he was concerned. Talking to Xander was like talking to a brick wall. Only a brick wall might be more reasonable. He loved Buffy, but her choice in friends was questionable. Not Tara though, he thought as he spied her in the kitchen with Willow and Buffy.

He walked over to them and grabbed one of the beers he brought. He popped it open and took a drink.

"You guys want one? I brought enough for everyone." Spike offered the girls.

"Yes." Buffy said with a stressed out look on her face.

She reached over to grab one and Willow stopped her.

"Buffy, remember? Beer bad? Beer makes you crazy?" Willow pointed out.

"Beer might make Buffy relax, Will." Buffy said shaking her head.

"But—." Willow started.

"Let the poor girl make her own decisions for a change, Red." Spike said, disbelieving how controlling her friends could be sometimes.

"I'm just trying to help." Willow said giving Spike an annoyed look.

"Buffy is a big girl. She can have a beer if she wants." Spike said rationally.

"What? You wanna get her all liquored up like that one time? She came home puking her guts out." Willow told him, remembering Buffy and Spike's drinking binge months before.

"That wasn't my fault." Spike said defensively.

"Guys, stop it." Tara intervened.

"Yeah, stop it. You know what? I already feel like puking my guts out. I don't need the stupid beer." Buffy said angrily as she stormed out of the kitchen.

Spike turned to Willow and glared at her.

"Happy now?" Spike asked Willow pointedly.

"Why are you even here? I thought you guys were over?" Willow asked him.

"Technically. But we're still partners. I don't see any of you taking time out of your busy schedules to help Buffy patrol anymore." Spike said heatedly.

"She doesn't need our help." Willow told him.

"But maybe she still _wants_ it. You ever think about that?"

"Okay, enough you two. Separate corners." Tara interjected again.

"You know what? Forget it. I can see that I'm not welcome here. Have a nice party." Spike said with hurt and anger.

He grabbed his beer and stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. Willow looked at Tara.

"He didn't have to leave." She muttered, feeling guilty.

"You weren't giving him much of a chance." Tara pointed out.

"I-I just don't understand why he's here. I thought Buffy wanted him out of her life. I mean, sure, they patrol. But this isn't patrolling, this is a party." Willow explained.

"Buffy obviously wanted him here or she wouldn't have invited him."

"Still…I don't like it. Buffy's finally starting to act more like herself again. And then here he is, trying to shove beer down her throat. He's like some kind of Darth Vader. Buffy, come to the dark side." Willow said dramatically.

"Willow, you know I love you, right?" Tara asked her.

"Of course. You're my girl." Willow smiled affectionately.

"Well, then listen to me. I didn't see Spike doing anything but trying to have a good time. He wasn't forcing Buffy to drink beer. Maybe she wanted one? It's not a crime the last time I checked. I don't think it means he's trying to drag her to the dark side." Tara tried to explain seriously.

"But, when he's around, Buffy acts different. If it's not him making her all weird, then what is it?" Willow asked.

"Maybe Buffy is just different period? I don't think it has anything to do with Spike." Tara said sincerely.

"Right. I forget you're the Buffy expert these days. She confides everything to you." Willow snapped irritated.

"The only reason she talks to me is because I'm an outsider. She's afraid to talk to you or Xander because she's afraid that you guys won't be her friend anymore. She thinks that if she told you what she feels, you guys couldn't handle it. Or you wouldn't want to." Tara told her.

"But that's ridiculous." Willow protested.

"But that's the way she feels. Judging her choice in party guests or beverages is only fueling that fire." Tara said pointedly.

"I wasn't judging."

Tara just looked at her. Willow realized that Tara wasn't completely off base with her observations. She looked down at her feet.

"Well, I wasn't trying to be all judge-y. I was just trying to help." Willow admitted softly.

"I know." Tara said giving Willow a hug.

"You think I'm a terrible friend?" Willow asked sadly.

"No. Of course not. You're the best friend anyone could want. Just back off a little bit. Buffy is still going through an awful lot. I think she just needs a little space." Tara told her.

"Alright." Willow whispered.

Much later that night, after everyone had finally left, Buffy sat out on her tiny balcony. It was more of a patio, she realized. They were on the ground floor, so the balcony really consisted of a slab of concrete with a wooden wall around it. But if she leaned back in the recliner and looked at the stars, it felt bigger and higher up. She could try and pretend she was living in a penthouse suite instead of a crappy apartment.

Tonight had been a disaster. She was so mentally and physically exhausted from everything she felt like she could sleep for a year. But when she had tried to lay in bed, sleep alluded her. The room felt wrong. It wasn't her room. It was a strange place, and all her things were still in boxes. It didn't feel safe or comforting. It didn't feel like home. So she had gotten up and gone outside. At least the stars were the same here as they were at her old house, she thought to herself.

Suddenly her senses stirred. She moved her gaze from the night sky to the top of the balcony wall. She saw Spike standing there, peeking his head over.

"Are you some kind of peeping Tom, now?" She asked him.

"I was just passing—That story's not very convincing anymore, is it?" He stopped himself from finishing.

"It never was."

"Alright then, I was just coming by to see how you were after your wonderful party." He said with a touch of sarcasm.

"Yeah, it was a great party." She said rolling her eyes. Then she looked at him seriously. "You never said goodbye." She told him softly.

"I know. Sorry about that."

"I should have known better than to think you and my friends could actually get along." She said disappointed.

"Just so you know, it wasn't my fault." He said quickly.

"I know. They just don't like you." She told him.

He was a little taken aback at her bluntness. It's not that it wasn't true, it just hurt him that she apparently cared so much what they thought of him.

"I picked up on that. But you like me though, right?"

"I might not be the best judge of character." She said shrugged.

"Why don't you just tell them all to go to hell, and let you live your own life?" He asked seriously.

"Right. Like I can just do that." She scoffed.

"Why couldn't you?"

"Because. I just can't."

"But why? Why do you let them tell you what to do?" He asked, not understanding.

"I don't let them tell me what to do. But I care what they think." She told him.

"Why would you?"

"Let's just stop talking about this, okay?" She asked, not willing to face the subject of her friends right now.

"Fine. What else you wanna talk about?"

She just looked up at him and shrugged.

"You want me to leave?" He asked.

"No. You can stay."

He smiled at her and nodded. He jumped up and pulled himself over the ledge. He landed on a pile of boxes and lost his balance. He went tumbling to the ground at her feet. He looked up at her and shook his head. She couldn't help but start giggling.

"That was graceful." She said with a grin.

"It made you smile, at least." He said, picking himself up and brushing his clothes off.

"Sorry about all the crap." She said indicating the now smooshed boxes.

"I hope I didn't break anything important."

"You mean the boxes or on yourself?" She asked.

"Both." He said, rubbing his shoulder.

He sat down on the boxes across from her. Their knees were touching in the cramped quarters. She looked at him for a moment and the air seemed to get thick between them again. Finally she looked away and up towards the stars again.

"Do you think that this place will really feel like home eventually?" She wondered aloud.

"I'm sure it will." He reassured her.

"Things are just so different now."

"Think of it as a new start."

"I'm trying to. But I was just getting used the old start again." She complained.

"Things have a way of working out in the end. Sometimes the things that we initially hate, turn out to be the best thing that could ever happen." He said thoughtfully. "You might not like it here now, but it could grow on you. It probably feels strange to be in a place that's not familiar. That doesn't mean it's the wrong place. It's just different."

His statement had a multitude of meanings and he knew it. So did she. The whole apartment transition was just another metaphor for her life. Her life felt uncomfortable now. It felt unfamiliar and scary. Just like leaving the safety and comfort of her family home. It was almost like leaving Heaven again. In leaving her house, she was also effectively leaving the past behind. The comfort of familiarity.

All the dreams she had in that house were gone now. It was time to have new dreams and aspirations. But she was terrified of that. Things had changed so much in the last few months, it was still hard for her to grasp. She was trying. She really was. But full acceptance wasn't coming as easily as she hoped. Maybe it would just take a little more time.

The next few weeks passed by quickly. With Dawn's help, Buffy had managed to get their new place in order. Things were still a little cramped but they were dealing with it. It was starting to feel like a home to both of them. Buffy realized that even though the place was smaller and different, all of their important stuff still had its place. Kind of like her life.

Tonight she was at her job, folding some t-shirts for a display. She kept looking at the clock, wondering if it would ever be time for her to leave. She liked her job, but she had come in early to cover for someone else. She'd been working for almost ten hours now and she was exhausted. Sometimes she wondered how a person could get so worn out just standing in one spot all day. There were times when she slayed all night long, and never felt exhausted like this.

She was lost in thought and didn't notice the person standing in front of her.

"Which one of these do you like best?" Spike asked her.

She looked up at him, startled to hear his voice. He was holding two blouses up in front of her. He waited expectantly for her answer.

"What are you doing here?" She asked him.

"I'm shopping."

"For who? This is a woman's clothing store." She pointed out.

"I was going to buy something for a friend. A girlfriend." He said with a smirk.

"A girlfriend?" She asked, feeling her stomach drop just a little.

"Just a friend who happens to be a girl. Not a _girlfriend._ Well, not yet anyway." He added with a small smile.

She stared at him with surprise and tried to hide her hurt feelings. She knew that he was completely free to do whatever he wanted. Or to see whomever he wanted. It still bothered her immensely.

"Oh." Was all she could say.

"So which one is better?" He asked again, holding the blouses up for approval.

"Why are you asking me?"

"You work here, don't you? Isn't that your job to help the customer make decisions?"

"Right. I work here." She said absently.

He noticed the annoyed and conflicted look on her face. He didn't understand what was wrong with her. Then it dawned on him that she hadn't understood what he meant by it being a present for a girl. Someone he hoped would be a girlfriend. He was talking about her, but clearly she thought he meant someone else. He was going to set things right with her, but then he changed his mind. He wanted to see just how much it bothered her.

"So, which one do you think she'd like?" He asked again, deliberately being deceiving.

She tried to hide her disgust and looked at the blouses again.

"The pink one." She said with an uncomfortable sigh.

"Right then. The pink one. I'll take it." He said with a smile.

She took the blouse out of his hand and walked it to the register. She didn't realize how much it would bother her to know that he might be involved with someone else. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she always assumed that he still belonged to her. It was unfair, she knew. She had continued to push him away romantically, and yet she still didn't want anyone else to have him. Either way, she was irritated at him for coming to her store to buy a gift to woo some other girl.

She rang the purchase up and gave him an icy stare.

"You want this on your gold card, or will it be cash?" She asked snidely.

He smirked and handed over some money.

She grabbed it and finished the sale. She stuck the blouse in the bag, and flung it on the counter. He noticed that she was quite upset and was taking it out on his purchase. He felt a small twinge of guilt for deceiving her. He hadn't intended to, but once the ball started rolling, he did nothing to stop it.

"Something wrong?" He asked.

"No."

"Are you pissed at me?"

"No." She said again, unconvincingly.

"You wanna meet later for a patrol?" He asked her.

"Won't you be busy with your new girl?" She asked him harshly.

"I hope so." He said giving her a seductive glance.

Things between them were so blurred right now. He felt their attraction grow stronger every day. It had never gone away completely. It never could. And yet, she still insisted that they were nothing more than partners. Tonight, he knew that it wasn't true. She still wanted him. He knew it before, but now this was confirmation.

She just stared at him coldly. She was furious at him for coming in here and trying to make her jealous. And even more furious at herself, because it had worked. He smiled at her and turned around. He started to walk away. She looked down and saw his bag still lying on the counter. She picked it up.

"You forgot your bag." She called out after him.

He turned around and smiled at her again.

"Keep it. It was for you anyway." He admitted.

"What?" She asked dumbfounded.

"It was for you." He clarified.

She stared at him incredulously. He not only came here to deliberately make her jealous, he lied about it.

He turned around and walked out of the store. She held the bag and stared after him. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to kiss him or kill him. But then again, that's how he made her feel most of the time.

Buffy left work and walked outside. Spike was out in the parking lot waiting for her. She was still angry that he had tricked her. She hated that she had fallen for his stupid little game. She deliberately walked right past him, trying to ignore him. He sighed and followed after her.

"Buffy, where are you going?" He asked her.

"I'm going home." She said harshly.

"Why? I thought we were going to patrol?"

"No."

"Why are you so pissed off?" He asked curiously.

"Why? Because of this." She said holding up the bag with the blouse in it.

"You're pissed because I bought you something? You really are a very hard woman to please." He said irritated.

"I'm not mad because you bought it. But why'd you have to make me think it was for some other girl? Were you trying to make me jealous?" She asked angrily.

He looked at her and smirked.

"Why would I want to do that? You've made it clear that we aren't anything other than partners in slaying. Why would you be jealous?"

"I'm not." She said quickly.

"You sure seem to be." He pointed out.

"Well, I'm not." She lied.

"Fine. Why are you so mad then?"

She looked at him and said nothing. She had been jealous. Really jealous. And it made no sense. She thought she was happy with the way things were between them. Partners and friends. Someone to talk to when she needed it, and someone strong to back her up when she was slaying. That's all it was supposed to be. That's all she wanted, she told herself. But realizing how upset she had gotten tonight over something so stupid had surprised her a little. Finally she spoke.

"I'm mad because you tricked me."

"I didn't trick you. I was trying to be coy. I figured you'd realize right away I was talking about you." He told her.

"Well, I didn't. And you knew I didn't. But you kept going. Were you trying to hurt me?" She asked sadly.

He felt guilty immediately. He didn't ever intend to hurt her. He just thought maybe she'd wake up a bit. Maybe admit that she still wanted him for herself. He hadn't intended to be cruel.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Then what were you doing?" She asked.

"I was trying to buy you something."

"Why?"

"Because I just thought it might make you happy. Then when I realized you thought it was for someone else, I decided to play along. I wanted to see if maybe you still cared." He admitted softly.

She didn't know what to say to that. She had cared. Too much. But she was afraid to admit that openly to him. She wanted to just drop the entire thing and forget about it. She decided to try and shift the subject rather than admit that he had been right about her feelings.

"I'm also mad because if I'd of known it was for me, I would have picked the purple one." She said with a half smile.

He chuckled at her and shook his head.

"Oh, so I see. You picked an ugly shirt because you thought the gift was for someone else?" He asked with amusement.

"No. It's not ugly. It's just…The purple one was more my style." She explained.

"Well, you can exchange it." He offered.

"Thanks." She said quietly.

"Your welcome."

She could feel the tension in the air between them. He knew now that her feelings were stronger than she wanted to admit. And she knew that he was aware of those feelings. It complicated everything all over again. It was time to try and push it aside and get back to business. She stepped away from him.

"If you wanna patrol, we should get going." She said interrupting their moment.

"Right." He said, as he backed away from her further.

They started walking towards the cemetery together. Neither one said a word. Buffy was hoping for a busy night of slayage so she could pretend that none of this other stuff had happened. Things in her life were shaky enough. She couldn't complicate them further by walking back into the same trap as she had before. No matter what she felt, Spike and her couldn't be anything other than friends.

They ran into a few vampires and took them out fairly quickly. For once, Buffy wasn't really into slaying. Her mind was elsewhere and she was still exhausted from working an extra long shift at the store. They found themselves outside of Spike's crypt. They had made a quick stop there earlier and Buffy had left her backpack and her bag there.

They walked inside and she went to get her stuff.

"I'm so tired." She complained.

"You look a little beat." He noticed.

"I totally fought like crap out there tonight. It's a good thing they were easy to take down." She said rubbing her shoulder.

"Did you get hurt?" He asked her.

"A little. It's no big. I think I just pulled a muscle or something." She said, trying to loosen it up.

"Sit down." He said as he went over to her.

She sat down on his couch and sunk back into the cushions. She was almost afraid she'd never get back up again. He sat down next to her and put his hands on her shoulders. She felt him start to massage her sore muscles. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the way his strong hands felt on her body. He worked his way up to the back of her neck and she let out a small contented sound.

"That feels nice." She murmured softly.

He smiled at her.

"You feel really tense." He said leaning into her ear.

"I am." She whispered.

"Why?"

She opened her eyes for a moment and glanced over her shoulder at him. She wanted to say that he made her tense. Her feelings for him made her tense. But she turned away from him again and closed her eyes.

"I just had a long day." She said finally.

He continued to rub her shoulders and her neck, as he moved closer to her. His chest was now pressed up against her back. He moved his hands from her shoulders and massaged his way down her arms. At this point his face was in her hair and his arms were wrapped around her. He inhaled deeply the scent of her shampoo and closed his eyes. He had almost forgotten how beautiful she smelled. Even after a whole day of working and slaying, she still smelled sweet.

She melted into his arms and leaned back into him. She was lost in the sensation of the moment. Her tension was drifting away and she couldn't deny how much she had missed being in his arms. It felt so good and so right. This was the comfort she had been missing these last few months.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. Instinctively, she moved her head around to meet his lips with her own. He kissed her softly. The taste of her on his tongue awakened his senses. The part of him that had died when they separated, was slowly coming back to life.

She turned around fully and wrapped her arms around his neck. Their kiss grew deeper as the passion that had been stifled for so long, threatened to burst. Her hands ran down his chest and she could feel the tautness of his muscles underneath his shirt. She felt herself growing excited. His hand gently moved around to cup her breast and he caressed her softly. She moaned into his kiss, and he eased her back onto the couch. This was what they'd both been longing for. Everything felt perfect again.

That was until Buffy finally realized exactly what she was doing. The sense of safety and calm that had settled over her, disappeared in a flash. It was replaced by confusion and a blind panic. She broke their kiss and pushed him away from her.

"Stop it. We can't do this." She said firmly, as she stood up from the couch.

"What? Why?" He looked at her confused. His lips still burned from their kisses.

"Because. We just can't. You know that." She said, grabbing her bag and heading for the door quickly.

She needed to get out of there before she did anything else she'd regret. She felt herself slipping. She couldn't allow herself to act on these feelings that still felt so wrong to her. So wrong, and at the same time, so right.

He stood up and followed her to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob to stop her from leaving.

"Don't run away. What's wrong with you?" He asked, not understanding why she was freaking out.

She didn't answer him, and wrenched his hand off the doorknob. She walked quickly out into the night. He ran after her and grabbed her arm. He swung her around and saw that she had tears in her eyes. He released her arm quickly and looked at her.

"Buffy, I don't understand." He said quietly.

"Spike, you know we can't do this. Nothing has changed." She said tearfully.

"Everything has changed."

"No. It hasn't. We are partners. Friends. It can't ever be more than that." She stated firmly.

"Why do you keep doing this?" He asked irritated.

"Doing what?"

"Drawing me in and then pushing me away again. Every time we get close to something good, you stop it." He said completely frustrated and confused.

"It has to be that way. Don't you get it?" She asked desperately.

"No. Obviously, I don't get it."

"I let you back into my life as my partner. That's all it will ever be." She stated firmly.

"I don't accept that." He said shaking his head.

"You have to."

"No. I don't. Listen to yourself. You know we're not friends. After everything we've shared together, we can never be _just_ friends." He told her.

"We have to be." She said sadly.

"Well, I don't want to be." He told her seriously.

"What?" She asked confused.

"I don't want to be just your friend. I can't." He admitted.

"So we're back to this again? You don't want me around unless you're getting some action? You said we could be partners and nothing more. You're the one that said that!" She shouted at him angrily.

"Yeah, well, you'll remember that I also said I was a liar." He pointed out heatedly.

"Fine. This is just great. So the whole friendship thing was a lie? Another trick to weasel yourself back into my pants?" She asked furiously, with tears in her eyes.

"No. The friendship wasn't a lie. I am your friend. But I want more than that. I want it all." He explained.

She just looked at him completely crushed. She thought that things were okay between them. He seemed satisfied with what they shared. She assumed that he would always accept whatever it was she offered him. But now she just felt betrayed.

"I want it all, Buffy. And so do you. That's what you don't get. You want it too." He said firmly, trying to get through to her.

"No." She shook her head.

"Then look me in the eye and tell me you didn't want to be with me tonight. Tell me you didn't want me to make love to you in there."

"That's not the point." She protested.

"Yes! It bloody well is the point!" He shouted at her with frustration. "If I thought that you truly didn't want me, then I could accept it. But it's not true. Every second we're together, you're fighting your attraction for me. You think I don't feel it?"

"Just because I'm still attracted to you, doesn't make it right. It doesn't mean I want to be with you. It just means that for some strange reason, I can't stay away from you. I'm weak and stupid and I can't stop myself." She said tearfully.

"Did you ever consider that the reason you can't stop yourself is because you don't want to? Or that the reason you can't stay away, is because you love me just as much as I love you?" He asked her desperately.

She looked at him and tried to wipe away her tears. His words hit her like a freight train, and it showed. Deep down she knew he was right. Hearing him say it out loud, scared her.

"I can't…" She trailed off in a whisper. She didn't know what she was going to say. _I can't love you. I can't do this. I can't be with you_. None of those phrases would have been the truth. So she instead she fell silent.

"You can't let yourself be happy. That's what you were going to say." He finished her sentence for her.

"That's not what I was going to say." She whispered.

"Well, that's what you should've said, because it's the truth. Being with me makes you happy. It always has. Even before. You were just too screwed up to deal with it. So you tried to make yourself into some kind of monster, just so it would make sense to you. Just so you could justify it. But it still didn't work. It made you more miserable. Because even then, you wouldn't admit it." He told her heatedly.

She felt her tears falling again at the harsh truth of his words. She had no response.

"You thought that leaving me behind would miraculously make you a better person. Happier and complete. But it didn't. Because something was still missing. And that was me. So you allow me back into your life, on your terms. And you try to pretend that it's enough. But it'll never be enough. You'll never be happy unless you want to. Your friends didn't ruin your life and I didn't ruin your life. You ruined your life." He said bitterly.

He had had more than enough of her games. He loved her, but he was tired of living a lie. He'd crawled for her and begged for her. He'd done anything she asked him to because he wanted to cling to whatever crumb she would throw his way. It had to end now. Either she wanted him or she didn't. She had to make a clear choice. He was tired of not knowing where he stood with her. He felt he'd been patient long enough. He'd given her space and time to figure out what she wanted. He told himself that if she really seemed happier without him in her life, he'd walk away and leave her alone. But he knew that wasn't the case. She was still unhappy. And it wasn't because he was there, it was because she still couldn't accept _why _he was there. She couldn't accept why she refused to let him go.

"I didn't ruin my life. I tried to make it better." She whispered sadly.

"Is it? Is it really better now?" He asked seriously.

"I don't know." She said confused.

"Well, then tell me what you do know."

She looked up at him and shook her head.

"All I know is that being with you is wrong. I'm the Slayer. I'm not supposed to be with you. And you aren't supposed to be with me. _That's_ what I know." She told him.

"You're not willing to look past that? You'd rather be miserable than to get past that?" He asked incredulously.

"How the hell do we get past that, Spike? Huh? We are enemies! Not friends, not partners, not lovers. We're enemies! It was meant to be like that. Nothing can change it!" She shouted at him with frustration.

"You can change it. And until you do, this is over." He said seriously.

"What?"

"You heard me. You think fate made us enemies? You think fate keeps us apart? Fate is what brought us together. It's _you_ that keeps us apart." He told her.

She stared at him silently. She knew everything he said was true. It was her that was stopping this. Nothing but her. And yet she couldn't help but feel that if she allowed herself to accept that truth, the whole universe would turn on it's ear and explode. She'd always believed that to be with him went against everything that was natural and right. Now he was saying that being without him was the unnatural thing. She was impeding what was meant to be. And yet she was paralyzed with fear to the point she couldn't form words.

He took her silence to mean that she still didn't get it. He lowered his head and looked away from her.

"I love you. You know I do. But I'm done. I can't do this anymore." He said quietly.

He turned around and walked away from her. She watched him disappear back into his crypt and slam the door loudly. She stood there completely numb with grief and confusion. He had walked away from her. She never thought she'd see that day. She thought he'd always be in her life. Now she realized how completely selfish she had been. She wanted him in her life, but on her terms.

She got to say how far it went, or how long it lasted. She told him when he wasn't needed anymore. And then she'd seek him out again when she needed comfort or help. Nothing had changed since the last time they were together. She'd never stopped using him. The only difference now was that it was him who'd had walked away. The tables had turned on her. She couldn't just snap her fingers and expect him to give her what she needed. She had to think about what he needed too. And as startlingly painful as that was, she knew they both needed the same thing. Each other.

~ If you can't make your mind up

We'll never get started

And I don't wanna wind up

Being parted, brokenhearted…~CAKE

Feedback is appreciated!


	6. Love Had Challenged Me To Stay

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters here, I just borrow them for my own amusement. Please don't sue me.

**Author's Note:** This is the Sixth and Final chapter of **Chained To Fate. **The title, **Love Had Challenged Me To Stay**, comes from the song, **That Particular Time** by **Alanis Morrisette. **

**Summary: **Buffy realizes that Spike was right. She hasn't been allowing herself to be happy. Can she take that chance? Will she decide to change her fate? What will her friends think?

**Rating: **NC-17

Chained to Fate

Love Had Challenged Me To Stay

~My foundation was rocked

My tried and true way to deal, was to vanish

My departures were old

I stood in the room, shaking in my boots

At that particular time, love had challenged me to stay

At that particular moment, I knew not to run away again…~Alanis Morrisette.

Buffy sat in her recliner chair on her balcony. She stared up at the stars and let the tears fall down her cheeks. She was so confused and her heart was completely broken. It was her own fault. In trying to do what she thought was right, she had broken her own heart in the process.

But she wasn't entirely convinced she knew what was right anymore. How could any of this be right if it hurt her so much, she wondered to herself. It had been four days since Spike had walked away from her. She had fought the urge to run after him when he left. She had fought the urge to break down and tell him everything he wanted to hear. Everything she wanted to tell him, but was too afraid. She had remained strong, she told herself. But now she wondered if in fact she had only remained weak. Too weak to face the truth.

When Buffy heard the sliding glass door open, she quickly wiped the tears off her face. She looked over and Dawn walked out, shutting the door behind her.

"It's late, Dawnie. What are you still doing up?" Buffy asked her.

"I couldn't sleep. Looks like you couldn't either." She pointed out softly.

"Yeah. I wasn't tired." Buffy said looking down at her lap.

Dawn walked over and sat down on a planter box in the corner of the patio.

"You've been crying?" Dawn asked, noticing the puffy eyes, despite the darkness.

"It's nothing." Buffy said dismissively.

"You could tell me, you know. You don't have to always be so strong. I can take it." Dawn said seriously.

Buffy looked at her surprised. She always tried to make sure that she shielded Dawn from anything bad if she could help it. She wanted to protect her and keep her happy. She wanted to be strong for Dawn, so that she would feel like Buffy had control of things. To cry or to tell Dawn her secrets, seemed wrong.

"You don't want to hear about my silly problems. It's not important." Buffy said, trying to smile.

"Why do you do that?" Dawn asked.

"Do what?"

"Keep everything to yourself all the time? You act like it's a crime or something to have feelings." Dawn said slightly irritated at her sister for always shutting her out.

"Dawn, I just don't want to burden you. I can handle myself." Buffy explained.

"Yeah, cause you've done such a great job with that lately." Dawn said hurtfully.

Buffy sat up straighter in her chair and looked at Dawn.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I just mean, things got all weird for awhile. And no one knew what was happening with you. And you wouldn't tell us, because you wanted to protect us. Or you didn't think we'd understand. How would you know, if you never even bothered to tell us?" Dawn said truthfully.

"I already told you that I was sorry about all that. I'm better now."

"I guess." Dawn said unconvinced.

"You don't think so? I thought that things were okay again?" Buffy asked surprised at Dawn's hostility.

"But you're still sad. And I don't know why, because you won't tell me. Is it something I did? Do you hate having to take care of me? Is it too much for you?" Dawn asked getting teary eyed.

Buffy leaned over and took Dawn's hands.

"No. It's not you. It's never been you. It's me. And I just didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want you to think less of me, Dawn." Buffy said honestly.

"Why would I think less of you? Because you aren't perfect? I already knew that. Trust me."

"I'm glad you realize I'm not perfect. But it's just something you don't need to worry about."

"Well, it's bothering you. So I am worried. How do I know you aren't gonna flip out on us again? Whatever it is that's going on, you can tell me."

Buffy looked at the sincerity in Dawn's eyes. Again, Buffy was hurting someone she loved by shutting them out. She tried to hard to be everything to everyone. Dawn may have known she wasn't perfect, but Buffy was still having a hard time realizing that. She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair again.

"You wanna know why I was crying?" She asked, looking back up at the sky.

"Yes."

"I was crying because I hurt someone. A lot of someone's actually, but a certain someone in particular." Buffy said softly.

"You hurt someone? How?" Dawn asked.

Buffy shifted uncomfortably. She wasn't sure she could even say the words.

"I wouldn't tell them how I felt, and then I made a mess of things." She whispered.

"Spike?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah. He wants me to leave him alone."

"I-I didn't even know you guys were together anymore." Dawn told her.

"We weren't. Not really. It's complicated. I thought we could just be friends, but we can't."

"Why not?"

Buffy looked at her sheepishly.

"Because, we just can't."

The light bulb went off in Dawn's head.

"Oh. It's because of the sex, right? You can't keep your hands off each other?" Dawn asked.

Buffy cringed. She tried to remember that Dawn was nearly sixteen years old. She wasn't a child anymore. But it still bothered her to hear Dawn talk so openly about sex.

"Kind of." Buffy admitted.

"Oh…Well, I still don't get it. If you neither one of you wants to be friends, then why were you even trying? Why not just be together?" Dawn asked simply.

"We can't be together."

"Who says? You guys were already together." Dawn pointed out.

"Yeah, we were. And now we're not. There's a reason for that. And it hasn't changed. He's still a vampire." Buffy said seriously.

"Yeah. So?"

"So? That's kinda huge don't you think?" Buffy asked incredulously.

"Well, it's not like he's a real vampire." Dawn said dismissively.

"Yes, he is Dawn. He's a real vampire. The kind with fangs. The kind that kills people. The kind that I slay every night."

"But Spike's not like that. Not anymore. He's changed." Dawn said with a smile.

"I get that he's changed. But it doesn't change what he is." Buffy told her.

"Buffy, it's not like he's he first vampire you've ever been with." Dawn pointed out softly.

"I'm aware of that, Dawnie. But doesn't that make it even more crazy? I've had three serious relationships in my life. Two of them with vampires."

"Yeah. I mean, it's not exactly a normal thing. I get that. But you're not normal." Dawn said trying to be comforting.

But Buffy looked at her like she'd been kicked in the face.

"You think I'm some kind of freak?" She asked.

"No. Come on. It's just, you're the Slayer, not Mary Jo Smith living on a farm in Ohio. Look at me? I'm not even real. You're a Slayer with a fake sister. And you died last year fighting a Hellgod. And then you got yanked out of Heaven by your best friend, who is a witch who's now addicted to magic. And that's just what happened last year. Does any of that sound normal? Dating a vampire is like the least of your worries." Dawn said honestly.

Buffy stared at her and almost starting laughing. It all sounded so improbable and insane. And it was true. That was the scary part. Dawn always had a way of boiling things down to the simplest form. And most of the time, it was just what she needed to hear.

"Well, I suppose you have a point." Buffy relented.

"I have a huge point." Dawn said matter of factly.

"My friends won't ever understand this. They already got freaked out when they knew I was involved with him before. Xander practically threw a party when I told him we were over." Buffy explained sadly.

"So what if they don't understand? They don't have to be with Spike. You do."

"I know, but it's more complicated than that."

"How?" Dawn asked.

Buffy thought for a moment then shook her head. Dawn made it sound simple, but it still wasn't.

"It doesn't matter. Another relationship with a vampire is still doomed to fail. I know how it ends. So why even go there?" Buffy asked miserably.

"With that kind of attitude, I can see why Spike thinks you can't let yourself be happy." Dawn said shaking her head.

"What? He told you that? When?" Buffy asked with surprise.

"I saw him the other night. He asked how you were, and I told him miserable as always. That's when he said it was your own fault cause you don't wanna be happy." Dawn explained.

"I can't believe he told you that. Why can't he just keep his big mouth shut?" She muttered to herself.

"He was right though." Dawn told her.

"Dawn, you don't understand."

"No, I do understand. You think that being with him is wrong, and it will only lead to pain. Well, that's life. You take chances, and sometimes things end up sucking in the worst way. And other times, they turn out okay. It's a gamble. But if you never take a chance, then you'll never know. You're the one who told me that the hardest thing to do in this world was live in it. How would you even know, when you're too afraid to do it?" Dawn told her seriously.

Buffy just stared at her in awe of her sister's outburst. Buffy had completely underestimated the scope of Dawns understanding. Or just how much she had been paying attention all these long months since Buffy had been back in this world. Dawn claimed that Buffy never paid attention to her, and she was right. Somehow when Buffy wasn't looking, Dawn had grown up and grown wise.

"You think I'm a coward?" Buffy asked her quietly.

"When it comes to end of the world battles, you're the bravest person I've ever seen. But when it comes to everyday life? Yeah, you're a big honkin' fraidy cat." Dawn said with an affectionate grin.

Buffy couldn't help but smile at that. Dawns words held a lot of truth. Dawn looked at the world differently than Buffy did. She didn't see things or people in black and white. She was able to look past that. Her views were simplistic, yet startlingly profound at the same time.

"So what are you suggesting I do?" Buffy asked.

"What do you want to do?"

"Is that a trick question?" Buffy asked with a smirk.

Dawn looked at her sympathetically.

"Do you remember what you said to me that one time I came to you all upset because people at school were giving me hard time cause I didn't fit in? Because people didn't understand me?" Dawn asked.

"No." Buffy muttered.

"Well, you said that I should just ignore anyone who doesn't _care _enough to understand me. I should live for myself and not worry what other people think of me. I should make myself happy and not rely on other people to make myself feel worthy." Dawn retold Buffy's advice.

"I said all that?" Buffy asked, knowing that she did, but not wanting to heed her own advice.

"You did say it. In fact, you always tell me stuff like that. But apparently you never listen to yourself." Dawn said raising her eyebrow.

"I do. I just don't take myself seriously." Buffy said, trying to be humorous.

"Maybe you should?" Dawn said pointedly.

"So, I should stop worrying about this, and just go for it?" Buffy asked softly.

"Why not? I mean, you're not happy _now_. So, if being with Spike makes you happy? Then yeah. Maybe it won't last, but at least you'll be happy for as long as it does. That's all that counts." Dawn said seriously.

Buffy smiled at her and pulled her over for a hug. Somehow she already felt better. She knew what she needed to do. She was tired of living a lie. Most people when they found happiness, would cling to it. They would enjoy every moment of it, and fear the time when it would be over. But Buffy just skipped the part of enjoying it, and went straight to the misery of the end. It was time to stop being so fatalistic. It was time to live for herself.

Buffy ambled through the cemetery, with her hands in her pockets. She tried to tell herself that she was just there to patrol, so she wouldn't panic and run home. But she knew there was a deeper reason for being in that particular cemetery, at that particular time. She was trying to get up the nerve to see Spike. Dawn had really simplified things for her the other night. She realized that there was no good reason to torture herself like this. The heart wants what it wants. There doesn't have to be a reason behind it. Love didn't work like that.

It made her think of the time Spike had told her and Angel that love wasn't brains. She had understood what he meant at the time, and she had known he was right. So much so, she had admitted it to Angel. But somehow she had managed to forget it. Or maybe she had just forced it down with all her other feelings? It had been a long time since she had listened to her heart. So long, that she had feared she no longer had a heart. She was so consumed by fear and pain, she thought that it had simply vanished.

But it was still there. She felt it now. And it was racing with anticipation and fear. She was making a huge leap. Falling blindly over a cliff, and hoping that she wouldn't crash into the rocks below. She was terrified that she had simply waited too long to make a choice. The time to jump had passed, and she was still clutching to a tree at the top of the mountain. But finally, she had decided to leap. What lay at the bottom, was a mystery. But she was about to find out.

She took a deep breath and pushed open Spike's door. She walked inside cautiously. She found him lying on his couch watching the television. He looked up when she came into the room. He had known she was coming. He had felt her presence long before the door had opened.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, looking back over at the television.

"I-I was just patrolling—." She started nervously.

"Just passing through, eh? That's my line. And it's not convincing anymore, remember?" He pointed out with a touch of bitterness.

"Right." She said looking down at her feet.

"Did you need something?" He asked uninterested.

"No."

"Well, then why are you here? Surely you've got a telly at your place. I know you didn't come here to watch Fear Factor with me." He said harshly.

She cringed inwardly at his harshness. She knew he had every right to be mad at her. She had played with him one too many times. But this was still hard for her. She was ready to jump, and he was essentially telling her she would crash if she did. But it didn't deter her.

"I-I wanted to talk to you." She said softly.

"About what?"

"About us." She whispered.

"There is no us, remember?" He pointed out.

"I know. But—."

"But what? Hurry up cause I'm missing the part where the people have to eat the donkey brains. It's the best part of this show." He said pointing to the TV set.

She was getting irritated now. He was making things even harder by acting like a jerk. She went over and flipped off his television. She stood in front of it with her arms crossed angrily.

"Okay, telly time is over." She said glaring at him.

"Buffy…" He complained with frustration.

"I have something to say, and you're gonna sit there and pay attention. Got it?" She said firmly.

He looked up at her and smirked.

"Fine. I'm all ears." He told her.

"Good." She said, relaxing her arms to her sides. She shook her head. "You really are annoying sometimes." She muttered.

"That's what you wanted to tell me? I'm annoying?" He asked her.

"No, but I think it needs to be said." She told him with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you getting to some kind of actual point?"

She took a deep breath and let it out. The only way to do this was to just do it.

"I thought about what you said to me the other night. I thought about it a lot." She admitted.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You were right." She said softly, looking down at her feet.

"Right about what?" He asked, sitting up straight on the couch.

"About me. About my feelings. I always thought that if I never admitted them, they wouldn't be real. I didn't want them to be real, so I made excuses. I told myself that I didn't need you. But whenever you weren't around, it hurt. A lot. So I kept trying to hold onto something. Any reason, other than the truth, to explain why I wanted you around." She told him.

He looked at her seriously.

"Why _do_ you want me around?" He questioned her.

She looked at him, and saw the expectation in his eyes. He had been waiting forever to hear her say these words to him. Three little words that she would have rather died, than to utter. But he was waiting. He needed to hear it. And she needed to say it. But the urge to run out the door was still strong. But if she ran now, she'd always be running. Love had challenged her to stay. And she was never one to back down from a challenge.

"Because… I love you." She whispered softly with tears in her eyes.

It was so painful for her to admit, but at the same time she'd never felt happier than at this moment. Three words that had caused so much grief, had the ability to result in so much happiness. She just had to allow it to happen.

He stood up and walked over to her. He put his hands firmly on her shoulders, and she gazed up at him through her teary eyes.

"I love you so much." He whispered to her.

He was so happy at this moment, he felt like he could cry too. Months and months of pain and suffering had finally culminated in this moment. And it was something he never wanted to forget.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. The lies were all over. There was nothing but truth between them now. The pain was forgotten, and it was time to rebuild what they had lost. What she had been willing to throw away. But she had jumped over the cliff after it. And instead of crashing into the rocks, he had leapt with her, and saved her. They had saved each other. They weren't drowning anymore, they were swimming. The water was murky, but it was warm and safe. They could see the lifeboat now, and even though it seemed small and fragile, it was strong enough for the two of them.

He wrapped his arms around her tightly and held her to him. He just wanted to remember how soft and warm she felt in his arms. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"I didn't think you'd ever come back." He told her honestly.

"Me neither." She admitted.

"What made you change your mind?"

She pulled back and looked at him sincerely.

"I missed you."

"Can't live without me, eh?" He asked with a smirk.

"No, I can. Believe me." She said giving him an annoyed look. Then she smiled. "I just don't want to."

He smiled at her and leaned down to kiss her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. Both of their legs felt too weak to support them any longer. They sunk to the ground, lost in their embrace. He kissed her neck softly and she squeezed her eyes shut tightly. All of her earlier doubts melted away with the feel of his lips. Something this good, couldn't ever be wrong. She knew that now.

She pulled away from him and sat up on her knees in front of him. He gazed at her longingly. She unbuttoned her jacket and tossed it aside. Her fingers went to the buttons on her blouse, and she started to undo them slowly. He watched her expectantly and then he started to chuckle. She stopped unbuttoning and looked at him.

"Am I doing this wrong?" She asked, feeling a little self conscious at her efforts to be seductive.

"No. Please, continue. I just noticed you're wearing the pink shirt I gave you." He said with a grin.

She looked down and realized the same thing.

"Oh, yeah." She smiled at him.

"I thought you hated it? And here you are carefully unbuttoning it. Would have thought you'd jump at the chance to rip it to shreds." He pointed out.

"No. I didn't want to ruin it. It was the first thing you ever bought for me." She said softly.

He smiled and moved over closer to her. He put his arms around her waist. He kissed her deeply and she forgot about the shirt for a minute. Then he pulled back and looked at her. His fingers went to the remaining buttons and carefully undid them for her. He peeled the blouse over her shoulders and bent to kiss swell of her breasts. He traced his tongue over her smooth skin and she moaned softly. Her fingers gripped the edge of his shirt and lifted it upwards. His mouth broke contact with her skin only long enough to free himself of his shirt. She tossed it aside and he kissed her lips again, his tongue tracing circles around her own.

With one hand, he blindly reached over to the couch and tried to locate one of the pillows. He grabbed one and tossed it onto the ground behind him. He pulled her tightly into his arms and maneuvered her around onto her back, with her head resting on the pillow. He straddled her legs, and ran his hands over her satin covered breasts. He reached behind her and she arched her back to allow him access to the bra clasp. He released it and tossed her bra aside. He bent down and took one of her nipples into his mouth. He sucked it gently, as his tongue ran over the sensitive flesh.

She ran her fingers through his hair and clutched his head to her breast. His mouth released its hold on her nipple and he began kissing his way down her stomach. He undid the button of her jeans and pulled the zipper down. She lifted her hips up and he eased her pants down to her ankles. He pulled her shoes off and removed her pants fully. Then he reached up and pulled her panties off. He placed his hands on the inner part of her thighs and pressed them apart. He could see how much she wanted him already. He was torn between wanting this moment to last forever and the urgency that they'd spent too much time apart already.

He looked into her eyes. She reached out and began undoing his pants. He helped her as he slid them off completely. He lay his body down on top of hers. He needed to feel the warmth of her skin against his. He kissed her lips softly, then buried his face in her hair. He wanted to drink in her scent and remember it forever. She ran her tongue over his shoulder, and kissed it lightly.

"Make love to me." She whispered to him.

It was the first time she had ever considered being with him making love. She had always thought of it crudely before. But this needed to be different. There was no pain in her heart anymore. There was only love. And she wanted him to trust that, and know it fully.

He reached down and guided himself into her warmth slowly. Everything felt different and better somehow. As he began to move rhythmically within her, he looked down into her eyes again. He didn't see what he had always seen before. He didn't see a lost girl grasping at something to make her feel. He also didn't see an animal who only wanted to be hurt, or to cause pain. He saw the woman he had fallen in love with so long ago. The woman that he never thought would love him back. The woman he never dreamed he'd be good enough to deserve.

But they had come together. Not easily, and not without immense pain. They'd earned this. They had earned the right to be happy with each other. It was an amazing thing, he realized. He'd taken a huge risk by letting her go. And she had taken an even bigger risk by coming back to him. He knew now that the old saying was true. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. Buffy was his now. Truly this time. They'd both been set free, and in the end, they had come back to each other. How could they not, when everything they ever wanted they found in each other.

She held him tightly to her, as they both became consumed by their passion. She cried out softly and buried her face in his shoulder, as she began to shiver with ecstasy. He felt his release overcome him and he collapsed onto her chest. They were both out of breath and completely numbed by the magnitude of their coupling. It wasn't just passion, it was raw emotion. Emotion that had never been allowed to be expressed freely before.

Finally, he lifted himself off of her chest. He started to get off the floor and she grabbed his hand.

"Where are you going?" She asked, already missing the feel of his skin.

"I was getting a blanket. Thought you might be cold." He told her sincerely.

"Oh. Not yet. I'm still a little warm." She said with a satisfied grin.

He went over to the couch anyway and grabbed the quilt that was lying over the back. He also grabbed another pillow and tossed it down next to her. He lay back down and pulled the quilt over them.

"See? Isn't that a little better?" He asked, as she snuggled in closer to him.

"Yeah. You know, maybe we should think about putting a bed up here too." She said thoughtfully.

"Really?"

"Well, we seem to have a hard time making it downstairs half the time. And I've gotta admit, this floor? Not exactly comfortable." She said with a sigh.

"Maybe I could just put some wall to wall carpeting in here? It might be softer. You think one of Xander's friends could get me a deal?" He asked with a smirk.

"I could ask." She said, playfully.

He looked at her and smiled. Then he laid his head down on her chest and draped his arm across her stomach.

"Speaking of Xander…Are you going to tell him about this?" He asked her curiously.

"What? That we're lying naked on your carpet-less floor? I'm thinking no." She said jokingly.

"I didn't mean that. Although, his reaction to that would be fun..." He said thoughtfully. Then he grew serious again. "I just meant about us."

She looked down at him lying on her chest and sighed.

"Do I have to?" She whined.

"Yes. I don't want this to be your dirty little secret this time." He said seriously looking up at her.

"It's not my dirty little secret." She said softly.

"Well, then don't treat it that way. If you're still too ashamed of me to tell your friends—."

"I'm not." She interrupted him, as she sat up and clutched the quilt to her chest.

"So then you'll tell them. Everything." He stated clearly.

She started getting agitated with him. They were having this wonderful getting back together moment. She was lost in the fantasy again, and he was trying to force her back to reality. It bothered her.

"Why do you care? You don't even like them, so why do you care if they know?" She asked him shaking her head.

"Because you care. That's why."

She looked away from him.

"They won't ever understand. You know that. Can't we just keep things separate? You and me in our own little place…" She said, reaching out to touch his face softly.

He removed himself from her touch and sat up. He looked at her.

"No. We aren't going down that road again, Buffy. Your friends are part of your life. And I want to be part of your life. Your whole life. Not just the part you come to when you need a slaying partner, or a good shag. I thought you understood that?" He asked, disappointed and frustrated with her again.

"You can't be part of my _whole_ life, Spike. You're a vampire. You live in the dark. I don't. I won't do that again."

"I'm not asking you to. Don't you get it? Just because I'm a vampire, it doesn't mean I can't have a real life. A life with you." He tried to explain.

"So what now? You wanna get married? You wanna be my house-vampire while I go to work? You gonna cook me dinner and have my slippers waiting for me when I get home?" She asked sarcastically.

"Buffy…" He groaned, shaking his head with aggravation.

"What? I'm just asking. Is that the life you want? Cause that's what you're walking into. My life isn't just being the Slayer. I've got to work, I've got bills to pay, laundry to do, a sister to take care of. Do you think you'd fit into that world?" She asked seriously.

He stood up agitated and went over to pull his pants on. She still didn't get it. Maybe she never would. He turned to face her as she stared up at him.

"Do you think you do?" He asked pointedly.

She lowered her head and refused to look at him. He walked over closer to her.

"You don't fit in there either. Not entirely. But you still live it. And I can too. And you know why? Because I love you. Not just the Slayer, but the woman. Remember the night we sat in your old house eating Chinese food? All we did was talk. That's one of the best nights I've ever had. And it's because it was with you. Was it exciting? No. Was it something a vampire would do? Hell no. But guess what? I don't care." He said heatedly.

She stood up with the quilt wrapped around her and faced him.

"So now what?" She asked him.

"It's up to you. Either you're with me completely, or not at all." He said with conviction.

She stared at him and was surprised at how much he had changed. This wasn't the same person who would do anything just to keep her attentions. She had broken down and admitted her love for him, and yet he still wasn't satisfied. She found his new attitude aggravating and completely annoying. But she respected him now, she had to admit. He wasn't a lovesick fool anymore. But that didn't mean he didn't love her. It just meant that he was tired of being unhappy. And so was she.

She sighed and sat herself back down on the ground. She lay down on the pillows and stared up at the ceiling. He moved into her line of sight and stared down at her. She looked into his eyes and didn't say anything. He waited.

"This is never gonna work." She finally whispered.

"Why not?"

"We can't even have make up sex without getting into a fight." She said miserably.

"We're not fighting, we're discussing. There's a difference." He pointed out. Then he smirked. "Besides, fighting after make up sex, only leads to more make up sex. So that's a good thing."

"That's true." She said with a small smile.

"So? Are we making up?" He asked.

Inside he was screaming at himself to just shut up and take what she was offering again. She had said she loved him tonight. It was something he never dreamed. And he was risking it all just because he was being stubborn. But he couldn't have things return to the way they were before. She still looked at him as something that didn't belong in her life. She may have said she loved him, but she still wouldn't accept him.

She contemplated her options. She had jumped off that cliff, and landed safely below. But it still wasn't enough. She had no idea what to do next. She was on safer ground, but still lost. All she knew is that she hadn't jumped for nothing. She wasn't going to let him drift away from her. She wanted to hold on.

"Get back over here." She said with a smile as she lifted up the quilt in invitation.

He caught a glimpse of her still nude flesh and he smiled.

"So, then things are okay?" He asked cautiously.

"Well, I'm not putting an announcement in the newspaper just yet, but don't worry. I'll tell them." She said sincerely.

He smiled and let out a mental sigh of relief. He had been worried there for a few minutes. But it was worth it. He undid his pants again and tossed them aside. He slipped underneath the quilt with her again.

"I love you." He whispered into her ear.

"I love you too." She whispered back.

He held her tightly to him for a moment, just to make sure that she was really there. That this was all really happening. They both closed their eyes, lost with their own thoughts.

"You really think we can make this work?" She asked softly, her eyes still closed.

"If anyone can, it's us."

And she knew that to be true. A regular person wouldn't last a second with either one of them. They were so much alike, and at the same time vastly different. They had the perfect combination of guts and strength and wit. Sometimes they were so in tune with each other, that they could finish each other's thoughts. But they viewed everything differently. Where she saw despair, he saw hope. She was smart but he was intuitive. Her weaknesses were his strengths, and vice versa. Completely different beings in every way, but complimentary.

She shifted her body around to face him. She smiled at him.

"Are we just gonna lay here, or are we gonna make up already?" She joked with him.

He smirked at her and bent down to kiss her lips. She wrapped her arms and legs around him tightly and rolled him onto his back. She lay on top of him, as they continued to kiss each other. She finally pulled back for air and smiled at him mischievously. He stared up at her longingly, and watched as she slid her body down, and her head disappeared underneath the quilt.

He drew in a sharp breath as he felt her mouth open to take him in. He closed his eyes and relished the sensation of her tongue teasing him beneath the covers.

"Now I know why I like to fight with you all the time. Making up is so much fun." He muttered, lost in bliss.

The next few days passed and Buffy still hadn't told any of her friends about Spike and her getting back together. She wanted to, but she wasn't sure how to do it. She didn't want to call a big meeting and make an announcement. It would seem like some huge spectacle if she did that. But she wasn't sure she wanted to tell them separately either. Then she'd have to explain herself over and over again.

She didn't want to make a big deal over it. It's not like when Xander and Anya got together, they made this huge announcement that they were dating. The same thing with Willow and Tara. That information has just sort of spilled out one day. It's not like Buffy was the only one who kept secrets about her lovers. But she also knew that this was different.

Spike wanted to be in her life. If she didn't come clean with everyone else, it would never happen. She saw the way they treated him at her housewarming party. Even after they knew she invited him, they still treated him like he didn't belong there. It was up to her to make him belong. And if they didn't like it, that was too bad. That's what she kept telling herself over and over. Only she didn't really believe it yet.

Dawn was right when she said she was a coward. This was such a simple thing compared to the life and death decisions she'd been making for the last six years. The decision to leap off a tower to her death, came easier to her than this. Choosing to live life, was a lot harder than choosing to end it. And that thought made her sad inside. How many times was she going to promise herself to be happy, before she'd actually follow through with it?

She had promised Spike that she would tell everyone today. Only she had chickened out and gone shopping alone all afternoon. She was afraid of what he'd say if he found out she was still stalling.

Just then, there was a knock on her door. She was plucked out of her warring thoughts and got up off the sofa. She opened the door and saw Spike standing there looking serious.

"Hey. What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting later?" She asked him.

She moved out of the way, and he walked in the room past her. He turned around.

"We've got a problem." He told her quickly.

She looked at him nervously. She was sure he was going to get mad at her for not making their announcement yet. He must have found out somehow. She tried to play dumb.

"A problem? Really? What problem?" She asked anxiously.

"There's something big going down tonight. At the Bronze. I heard some fellas talking about it at the bar." He explained.

She let out a sigh of relief. She was glad for the reprieve. She didn't want to get in an argument with him right now.

"That's it? That's the problem? Thank God." She said relieved.

He looked at her curiously.

"Thank God? You don't seem too worried. What's wrong with you?" He asked.

"Nothing. I'm fine. Great actually. And yes, I'm totally worried about this. Please tell me more." She said overdoing it.

He just shook his head and wondered if she was drunk or something.

"Do you have a fever?" He asked her, as he reached over and touched her forehead.

She backed away a little and laughed dismissively.

"I'm fine. Really. I'm just a little distracted. Just tell me what's going on." She said, getting herself together.

"Well, I heard that there is a new group of vamps in town. They're planning on storming the Bronze near closing time. Apparently it's gonna be a huge feeding frenzy." He explained.

"Great, Sunnydales all you can eat buffet nightclub." Buffy muttered with a sigh.

"So, what do we do now? There's at least twenty of them from what I gather. I don't know if you and I can take them all alone. Plus keep track of the people in the club." He pointed out.

"No, that's too many. We're gonna need the gang. Let me make some calls." She said, already trying to form a plan in her mind.

She disappeared into the kitchen and Spike sat down on the couch. Just then Dawn came in and plopped down next to him.

"Hey. You taking Buffy out on a date?" She asked with a grin.

"No, Little Bit. Not tonight." He sighed.

"Oh. I thought I heard you say something about the Bronze. Thought you were gonna take her dancing." Dawn said with a shrug.

"No, something more violent than that. Vampire gang's planning to rush the place. Make a feast of it." He explained simply.

"Wonderful. Only in Sunnydale." She said, shaking her head. Then she looked at him. "So, you and Buffy worked things out right? I mean, she talked to you?"

"Yeah. We did. She told you about that?"

"Yeah. And you can thank me later." She said smirking at him.

"For what?"

"For getting her to wake up and smell the hottie."

"The what?" Spike asked completely confused.

"The hottie?" She said, acting like he was an idiot. He stared at her blankly. She groaned. "You, you dork. You're the hottie. I made her realize that she shouldn't throw you away just because she's a big coward."

He smiled at her.

"I'm a hottie?"

"Well, duh. Like you don't know that." She said rolling her eyes.

"Well, that's true. I am very sexy." He said with a smirk.

"And very modest." She said sarcastically.

He laughed at her. Then he smiled sincerely.

"You actually told her to come to me the other night?" He asked, surprised by this development.

"Yeah."

"Why?" He asked.

"Because. I want her to be happy. And I think that you can do that." She explained.

"You do?"

"Well, you'd better, cause otherwise I'm gonna look really stupid here." She said wryly.

"Thanks." He said sincerely.

"I was just trying to help. I'm amazed she even listened to me. She usually never does." Dawn said quietly.

"I can't believe she listened to you either. She never listens to me." Spike said shaking his head with a smile.

"Buffy doesn't listen to anybody. She's completely stubborn. She drives me crazy."

"Me too." He agreed.

"But I still love her."

"Me too."

Just then, Buffy walked back into the room and pulled her jacket on.

"Okay, we're meeting everyone at the Magic Box in half an hour." She announced.

"You wanna bring some weapons, or do you have enough at the shop?" Spike asked, standing up from the couch.

"There are some stakes in my chest over there." She said, pointing to the wooden chest that Xander made for her birthday.

Spike went over and opened it up. Buffy looked at Dawn.

"Dawn, do you think you can spend the night with one of your friends? We'll be out really late. I don't want you here by yourself all night." Buffy told her.

"I can call Janice. Or Angie. I'm sure someone would take pity on me and give me a place to crash."

"Dawnie, you know this doesn't mean I'm trying to pawn you off or get rid of you, right?" Buffy asked, not wanting to upset Dawn. She knew how sensitive she had been lately.

"Relax. It's cool. I know that this is important stuff. I'll be fine." Dawn reassured her.

Buffy smiled and Dawn went to the phone to try and make arrangements for a sleepover. Buffy realized that Dawn had matured a lot over the last few months. She wasn't acting like a spoiled brat anymore. After her outburst at Buffy's birthday party, she had tried to be more understanding of Dawn's needs. It hadn't gone too well at first though. Buffy had more than her share of problems that had distracted her and made things worse. But now things were starting to come together again. Dawn was also more understanding than she had been in the past. Maybe she had done some growing up in the last few months as well. Whatever it was, it was working. Buffy felt like maybe they both had a chance to make this family work after all.

"This enough, you think?" Spike asked her as he showed her the handful of stakes he held.

"Yeah. If we need more, I think we've got some at the shop."

He leaned over and kissed her. Then he pulled back and smiled at her.

"What was that for?" She asked.

"I need a reason?"

"No. I guess not." She smiled.

"You just look so cute when you're all determined and on a mission." He told her.

She moved closer to him and put her arms around his neck.

"Cute, huh?"

"Adorable."

She kissed him hard on the mouth. He dropped the handful of stakes to the ground as he wrapped his arms around her tightly. They were lost in their fiery embrace and didn't realize that Dawn was standing there watching them with her arms folded across her chest.

She cleared her throat loudly.

"Um, you might wanna pick up those stakes. You wouldn't want Spike to fall on one of them. It might ruin the mood." She told them.

Buffy pulled away from Spike quickly and looked at Dawn with embarrassment.

"I-I thought you were still on the phone." She stammered.

"Nope. I'm done."

"We weren't." Spike smirked as he tried to pull Buffy closer to him again. She shoved him away.

"Yes we were." She said, flustered.

She knew that Dawn was aware of what was going on. She had helped it happen. But Buffy didn't feel the need to put on a floor show in front of her little sister.

"Angie said I could stay with her. Her mom's gonna pick me up. So you guys can go if you need to." Dawn told them.

"Alright. Are you sure you're okay alone until she gets here?" Buffy asked.

"Love, the girl is fifteen, not four. I think she'll manage. Right Niblet?" He asked with a smile.

"Right, Spike. And by the way…Niblet? Sounds more like four than fifteen. Just to let you know." She said rolling her eyes.

"What? You don't like that name?" He asked offended.

"Not especially. I mean, Buffy gets to be called 'Love' or 'Pet'. Why do I have to be nicknamed after a type of corn? Why not just call me 'Snow Pea' or 'Celery Stick'?" She asked huffily.

Buffy started giggling and Spike looked at Dawn.

"Alright, Snow Pea. We'll see you later." He smirked at her, as he took Buffy's hand.

"That was a joke." She said with a groan.

"But it's cute, don't you think?" He asked trying to be irritating.

Dawn looked at Buffy.

"What do you see in him?" She teased.

"I have no idea. He's annoying, isn't he?" Buffy agreed with a smirk.

"Very." Dawn said giving Spike a pointed look.

"Oh and you two aren't annoying at all." He said sarcastically.

Buffy sighed and shook her head.

"Just get the stakes. We need to get moving." She told him.

He bent down and picked them up. He handed some to Buffy and they both put them into their jacket pockets.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Dawn." Buffy said, giving her sister a hug.

"Be careful you guys." Dawn said sincerely.

"We will." Buffy told her.

Then she and Spike went to the door. Buffy opened it and turned around.

"Lock it behind me, okay?"

"Buffy…Just go already. I'm fine. Angie will be here in like ten minutes." Dawn said with exasperation.

"Alright, alright." Buffy relented, knowing she was being way too overprotective.

Spike took her arm and led her out. They started walking down the street together. The Magic Box was only a few blocks from her apartment. She had planned it that way when she rented it. Convenience was important. Spike glanced over at Buffy

"So, do you have a plan?" He asked her.

"Not yet. I thought we'd wait and talk to everyone else." She admitted.

"I've got some ideas. Will Tara be there?" He asked.

"Yeah. Her and Willow were just finishing up dinner when I called."

"Good. She's important to my plan." He told her.

"Are you gonna share this plan with me?" She asked raising her eyebrow.

"Yeah." He smiled. "This is what I'm thinking…" He began to explain his plan to her.

Spike had finished telling her his idea as they walked up in front of the store. She nodded her head at him.

"I think that might work. Do you think we have enough time to get it together?" She asked.

"I don't know. We'll find out. It's only eight-thirty now, the club doesn't close until two am. We should be good on time." He shrugged.

"Alright." She said, yanking the door open.

They walked inside together and found everyone there already. Buffy walked over to the table where everyone was sitting and talking amongst themselves.

"Hey. I'm here." Buffy said with a smile.

"And you brought Spike. How nice." Xander said giving Spike a dirty look.

Spike just glared at him unflinching.

"Spike's the one who alerted me to this, Xander." Buffy explained.

"Right." Xander relented, as he broke his stare down with Spike.

"So, what's going on? Tell us the scoop again." Willow interrupted with a small smile.

"Well, apparently a vampire gang is planning on crashing the Bronze tonight at closing time. I guess they've been scoping out the place, and found the clientele to be a tasty treat." Buffy explained.

"If you ask me, it's just lazy." Spike scoffed.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Well, they obviously don't know how to hunt very well. Sealing off a crowded nightclub to feed? It's like shooting goldfish in a bowl."

"Ah, yes, I forgot what an expert you are at the proper way to kill someone." Xander said sarcastically.

"Xander, shut up." Buffy said, shaking her head.

"Um, so what are we going do?" Anya asked curiously.

"Well, I have a plan." Spike told her.

"Oh this should be good." Xander sniped.

"Will you shut up?" Spike said angrily.

"No. No one wants to hear your stupid plan." Xander said, standing up from the table.

Anya grabbed his arm.

"Xander, sit down." She said under her breath.

Buffy glared at Xander. She was getting angry at his unwillingness to get along with Spike. Instead of getting better, things were just getting worse. She was getting fed up.

"I don't want to sit down." He said, staring at Spike.

"Are you gonna beat me up, tough guy?" Spike mocked him.

"Maybe."

"You're such a Nancy boy loser. The only fight you could win is with someone who can't hit back. Yeah, you're a real man." Spike made fun of him.

"At least I _am_ a man. You're nothing but a thing." Xander spat at him.

Buffy was pissed now. She reached into her pockets and grabbed her stakes. She tossed them into the middle of the table roughly and they made a huge racket as they clanged to the floor. Everyone stopped and stared at her.

"Enough! Both of you!" She screamed at them.

They both shrank back at her obvious anger.

"Buff, I'm sorry. It's just—." Xander started.

"No. I don't want to hear it. I am sick to death of your insults. I am sick of your threats to Spike. I'm sick of all of it." She said angrily.

"I just don't get it. Why do you keep trying to drag him into the group? He doesn't belong here. We don't need him or his stupid plans." Xander protested heatedly.

"I need him. And I happen to like his 'stupid' plans." Buffy said full of conviction.

"Buffy this is crazy. I get that you guys had a thing before, but it's over. He doesn't need to be here anymore. You've got us." Xander told her.

"You don't understand. It's not an either or situation." She said shaking her head.

"You still haven't told them that we're back together?" Spike asked, just processing the fact that Xander thought they were over.

"You're what?" Xander asked, incredulously.

"You guys are back together?" Willow asked.

"Good for you." Anya smiled.

Tara just sat back and smiled. She knew that things would work out for them eventually. She just had a feeling.

"I was going to tell them, but the timing wasn't right." Buffy said looking at Spike uncomfortably.

"I'm not sure the timing could ever be right for you to announce you're throwing your life away again." Xander shook his head.

Buffy glared at him.

"Is that what you think? Way to be supportive. Thanks." She said hurt by his words.

"Well, come on. This is insane. You've lost your mind again." Xander told her.

"Xander, be quiet." Anya snapped at him, irritated by his behavior.

"You actually love this guy?" Spike asked Anya disbelieving.

"Well, he's not always this big of a jerk. Sometimes he's nice." She shrugged.

"Anya. It might be nice if you were on my side instead of trading quips with the enemy." Xander complained.

"Well maybe I'd be on your side if you weren't acting like such a pompous ass." Anya said plainly.

"That's just great. Thanks honey." Xander said sarcastically. Then he looked at Willow. "You're on my side, right Will?"

Willow looked mortified to be put on the spot like that. She wasn't sure what she felt or what to say. She didn't want anyone to be mad at her.

"I-I'm on whatever side makes Buffy the happiest." She stammered figuring that was the safest choice to make.

"Thank you Will." Buffy said gratefully.

"I just want you to be happy." Willow admitted softly.

"So do I! Is everyone here on crack or something? Buffy and Spike? Together? Am I the only one who sees the scariness of that?" Xander implored them all.

"It's not scary, it's romantic." Anya said with a smile.

"Romantic? Does anyone remember last time? Buffy got all freaky and distant and scary? She turned into Destructo Girl with her bedroom?" Xander pointed out.

"That wasn't my fault! I told you that." Spike interjected.

"Then who's fault was it?" Xander asked getting into Spike's face again.

Buffy stood between them and pushed them apart.

"It was my fault." She told them.

"Is that what he told you?" Xander asked.

"No, it's the truth. I screwed up my life all by myself, Xander. I didn't need help." She admitted.

"Buffy, you didn't screw it up." Willow said, trying to be a comforting friend.

"Yes, I did. I really screwed up." Buffy said shamefully.

"Well, you got better. You got better because you wised up and dumped Spike's loser ass." Xander told her.

"If you say one more word like that, I will personally pummel you on Spike's behalf." Buffy said through gritted teeth.

Xander backed down and moved away from her. He cared about her so much, but he had a terrible way of showing it. He realized that. He was only protective because he didn't want her to get hurt. In his mind, Spike was evil. He wasn't good enough to even be in the same room as Buffy, much less a part of her life. He hated to see her lower herself like that.

"Buffy, this just isn't like you." Xander said softly as he shook his head.

"No. That's where you're wrong. This is like me, Xander. This _is_ me. You keep saying stuff like I'm insane, or I've lost my mind. And oh, 'Buffy would never do that'. But guess what? Buffy _did_ do that. Buffy freaked out. Buffy made mistakes. Buffy fell in love with Spike." She told him heatedly.

"You're in love with him?" Xander asked.

"Yes."

"Oh god…" Xander groaned.

"Really? I-in love? Complete with the whole 'I love you' thing?" Willow asked awkwardly.

"Yeah, that's generally the idea." Buffy said condescendingly.

"Oh. Well, that's good. Right?" Willow smiled, trying to be supportive.

"Yes, it is good. It's wonderful Buffy." Tara said smiling at her broadly.

Buffy looked at her gratefully. Tara hadn't said a word at all until now. Buffy was glad she had finally spoken up. Spike also looked at her and smiled. Tara was by far his favorite Scooby. She made Buffy feel good about herself even when he couldn't. Plus she had made him feel better about himself too. He was grateful to her for that.

"Spike's not even human." Xander said, refusing to get over this quickly.

"I might not be either." Buffy said softly.

"What?" Xander asked shocked.

"Yeah, what?" Spike asked her.

Everyone else stared at her curiously and completely taken aback by her admission. Everyone except Tara.

"Uh, I-it was inconclusive." Tara chimed in awkwardly.

"Inconclusive? What?" Willow asked Tara. She was hurt that there was something this huge about Buffy that she didn't know about.

"You all know that Spike's chip doesn't work on me anymore. Tara and I never could find a good reason for that. But I think it may mean that I'm more of a Slayer than a human being at this point." Buffy tried to explain.

"Why didn't you tell me this?" Spike asked her softly.

"I didn't think it really mattered." She admitted to him.

"Buffy, that's crazy. Why would you think that?" Willow asked, feeling guilty all over again for the resurrection.

"I just feel it. Things feel different. They have ever since I've gotten back. And then Anya told me a little bit about what Slayers are really like. They're beasts, not people."

"Anya, you called Buffy a beast?" Xander asked upset with her.

"No. I didn't call her that. She asked me about the other Slayers I'd seen and I told her we used to call them Warrior Beasts. Them. Not her." Anya explained defensively.

"You knew other Slayers?" Xander and Spike asked at the same time.

"Well, not personally. But being a demon for a thousand years, you tend to see everything." Anya told them.

"So, anyway, I put two and two together. You guys remember what the First Slayer was like? She didn't exactly appear friendly. Or entirely human for that matter." Buffy told Willow and Xander.

"But you don't look all scary and primal like that." Willow protested.

"I know. But that's still what I am on the inside."

"Fine then. So you're like this super concentrated Slayer. How does that make it okay for you and Spike to be together? Wouldn't that make it that much more wrong?" Xander asked completely confused.

"It doesn't have anything to do with making it right for me and Spike to be together. There probably isn't anything that can make that 'right', except the way he makes me feel." Buffy said softly, looking over at Spike. He smiled back warmly.

"And that's all that matters." Spike said, coming over to her and putting his arm around her. Xander visibly cringed.

"He's evil. He doesn't have a soul. His entire purpose to exist, is to kill things. Do you get that?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, I do get that. That's my purpose for existing too." Buffy told him.

"No, that's not the way it is." Xander protested, shaking his head vigorously.

"Yes, it is. And Spike understands me. Because we're the same." She told him.

"You are not the same. You are about as far from the same as a bunny and a lion." Xander said shaking his head.

"Well, bunnies are quite ferocious and scary, so I don't think that's a good example." Anya pointed out.

Xander just shook his head and ignored her. He looked back at Buffy.

"We are the same. Everyday he struggles with trying to do the right thing. The acceptable thing. He struggles with what people expect of him, or how he is supposed to act. It isn't easy. He wants to slip back into that darkness. It calls to him. It's easier there. But he doesn't. I understand all that, because that's me too." Buffy told him.

"You really understand all that?" Spike asked her, as he pulled her close and smoothed her hair away from her face.

"I do. I mean, all this time you tried to tell me that we weren't so different. I get it now. You weren't trying to tell me I was evil. You were trying to tell me that you could be good." She told him softly.

"I love you." He told her emotionally.

He was so proud of her for standing up for herself tonight. And him too. He loved her more at this moment than ever before. He didn't care if her friends were watching, or judging them. He leaned over and kissed her passionately. She returned his sentiments.

Xander looked away in disgust and everyone else just shifted uncomfortably. It was a highly personal moment, and no one felt that they should really be in the room at this point. Finally they pulled themselves apart, but their gaze remained locked on each other. At this point they didn't even notice anyone else in the room.

"That was beautiful." Anya said genuinely.

Xander turned and glared at her.

"Well, it was. You've never looked at me like that." She said disappointed.

"Yes I have." He said shaking his head.

"Not lately." She shot back.

"Anya, this is so not about us right now." Xander said shaking his head.

"Well maybe it should be." Anya scoffed.

"Guys, stop it. We have a problem remember?" Willow pointed out.

"Yeah. Buffy and Spike making out in the middle of the store." Xander told her.

"No. The vampires? The Bronze? Does anyone even remember why Buffy called us together tonight?" Willow asked, trying to gain control of the very strange situation.

"That's right. Spike? Didn't you say you had a plan?" Tara asked siding with Willow on her attempts to shift the conversation.

Spike finally broke his gaze with Buffy and turned to them.

"Right. I did have a plan." He said, snapping himself back to the reality of the room.

"Let's hear it." Tara said with a smile.

"Well, it will require your help." He told Tara.

"M-my help?"

"Yeah, see we need to put up a barrier around the club. And that requires magic." He explained.

Willow looked away uncomfortably. She knew that this was always her special thing, and she felt upset that she couldn't help out anymore. Tara knew this, and rubbed her arm affectionately.

"I won't do it, if you don't want me to." Tara told Willow.

She shook her head.

"No. You should do it. If it will help." Willow assured her with a smile.

Tara kissed her forehead softly and smiled at her. Then she looked back at Spike.

"You want a barrier to keep them out?" She asked him.

"Yeah. Wouldn't do much good to lock them in with the people, now would it?" Spike asked with a smirk.

"No. I-I'm just not sure I can do that. Not for very long anyway." Tara explained.

"Do you think you could try?" Buffy asked her.

"Yeah. I'll try."

"How long will it need to stay up?" Willow asked curiously.

"Thirty minutes? An hour tops. Just long enough for us to ambush them outside, before they can get into the club." Spike explained.

"We can do that." Willow said nodding her head. Then she corrected herself. "I-I mean Tara can do that. I know a good spell. I can write it down."

"Are you sure?" Buffy asked her.

"Yeah. I think it's okay for me to write it down, as long as I don't actually perform the spell." Willow said, trying to be strong and resist the urge to do the spell herself.

"Alright then. Plan A is a go. Now we need someone on the back entrance of the club, to take care of any crashers who don't wanna use the front door." Spike looked at Xander, who had been sitting silently in the corner of the room. "Harris? You in?" Spike asked.

Xander looked up at him. He was still trying to process everything that had been discussed and revealed tonight. He couldn't get the image out of his head of Buffy and Spike kissing each other. Or hearing her say that she loved him. It was like that horrible spell years ago, when they were engaged. Only it was far worse, because it was real.

"Yeah. I'm in." He said reluctantly.

Despite his disgust and fear at Buffy's choices, he wasn't going to abandon her. And he wasn't going to let innocent people die because he had a wiggins over his friends new love interest.

"Good. Buffy and I will do a quick walk through of the club, see if we can pick up any vampy vibes. Make sure there aren't vampires already in the club. Once it's clear, then we'll head outside to wait for the cavalry. Anya, you stay inside and keep everyone calm. Tara? You get the barrier up." Spike said, commanding orders like he'd been doing this forever.

"What do I do?" Willow asked, feeling left out.

"You help us. You know how to dust a vampire, right?" He asked sarcastically.

"Duh? I've been doing it longer than you have." Willow said shaking her head.

"Well, then, you'll help us thin the herd." He smiled at her.

"Alright then. Everyone know their jobs?" Buffy asked.

Everyone collectively agreed. Buffy looked at the clock.

"It's nine-thirty. We need to get down there by midnight. Is that enough time to get the spell stuff together?" Buffy asked Tara and Willow.

"Yeah. I think so. Is everything here that I need?" Tara asked Willow.

"Yeah. I'll write the ingredients down. If we're missing something, you have time to run home real quick." Willow reassured her.

Willow stood up and got some paper to write things down on. She and Tara busied themselves with that, while Anya went over and counted out the money drawer for the evening. Xander still sat in the corner, not saying anything to anyone. Buffy feared that he hated her now. She turned to Spike.

"Xander is really upset." She whispered to him.

"Yeah, I gathered that. What are you going to do?" He asked her curiously.

"I don't know. Should I say something to him? You think he'll even want to speak to me anymore?" She asked.

"I don't know. I'd just leave him alone if I were you. But then again, I'd be glad if he didn't speak to me anymore." Spike told her.

She sighed. Spike and Xander were never going to get along. It was useless. But they did have to exist together in Buffy's life. She decided to go over and talk to him. She moved slowly, unsure of what she was really going to say that hadn't already been said.

She stood in front of him and he looked up at her.

"Hate me?" She asked quietly.

"No. Hate your boyfriend, but not you." He said looking her in the eye.

"He's really not so bad. You might like him if you gave him a chance." She said with a desperate smile.

He just looked at her blankly.

"Right. That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever said. Of course you wouldn't like him." Buffy said, shifting uncomfortably.

"I just don't understand Buffy. You're so much better than him. You deserve so much more than this." Xander said seriously.

"I'm not better than anyone, Xander."

"Yes you are. You're better than just about every single person I've ever met. You're better than me. And you're sure as hell better than Spike." He told her seriously.

"So what you're saying is that no one would ever be good enough for me? Not even you?" She asked raising her eyebrow.

"That's not what I meant…It's just you're like this hero. You're larger than life." He tried to explain.

"Oh god…Spare me, please. I'm not a hero. Don't put me up on a pedestal like that." She said shaking her head.

"But you are. The things you've done? You've saved the world like a billion times. I think that makes you a hero." He pointed out.

"It just makes me lucky I didn't get killed sooner. That's all. I'm just doing what I have to do. What I'm instinctively drawn to do. It just so happens that the world has gotten in my way and needed saving a few times." She told him.

"You trivialize it so much. It's more important than that."

"Yeah, you're right. It is important. I mean, what I do helps people. It saves people. And occasionally I avert apocalypses. But do you think that's why I really do it? I do it because it's in my blood. Hunting and fighting and killing. That's what drives me. Not saving the world, that's just a perk. It's not like I'm noble or anything." She explained.

"I don't think that's true." He said shaking his head.

"It is true. I mean, I've denied it for so long that I really started to believe I was some kind of superhero. That I could do anything. But I'm not. And I can't. And if everyone sees me as this person who is above all else, how can I ever live up to that? Why do you think I was so afraid to tell you guys about Spike? Why do you think I freaked out and started acting like someone else? I did it because I thought I had to. I wasn't good enough to be the hero anymore, so I had to be the anti-hero." She explained with tears falling down her cheeks.

"Buffy, I didn't mean to make you feel like you had to live up to anything." He said guiltily.

"But you did. And not just you, everyone. Willow needed me to be exactly the way she remembered me, or else she'd feel guilty for bringing me back. If I was wrong somehow, she couldn't deal. I knew that, so I tried to pretend. And you? You looked at me like everything was gonna be alright now cause Buffy's here to save the day. And Dawn wanted this perfect sister slash mom-substitute to look after her. I can't be everything to everyone. The pressure was just too much." She told him sadly.

"So you tried to run away from it all?" He asked her softly.

"I tried. I thought that if I just left all of that stuff behind, that the pain would stop. If I didn't care about anything or anyone, then nothing could touch me. I did a lot of stupid things. Dangerous things. I walked off my job, I stole money to live on. I hurt everyone I cared about."

"And where does Spike fit into this? He was your enabler. He wanted to see you destroy yourself just as long as you were with him. That doesn't make him a good guy." Xander pointed out.

"I know. It doesn't. But I think he was just as confused as I was. But he tried to stop me. He tried to get through to me, and I didn't listen to him either. It wasn't his fault."

"So then why were you with him?"

"He made me feel strong. Better somehow." She whispered.

"How?" Xander asked.

"He gave me something that none of you could. And that was acceptance. He didn't have any expectations of me, so I didn't have to pretend with him. He didn't want me to be a hero, or perfect friend, or a responsible sister. He just wanted me. And at the time, that's all I could handle."

"He just wanted to sleep with you." Xander said.

"I'm the one who started it. Not him." She admitted.

"You started it?"

"Yeah. Does that ruin your image of him corrupting me and seducing me into his evil world with some kind of vampiric thrall?" She asked.

"What do you mean you started it? He started it by stalking around you all lovesick and insane. You were fragile and confused. He knew that. He took advantage."

"I'm the one who ripped his pants off and jumped on him, okay? He didn't take advantage of me. I took advantage of him. I used him, I hurt him and I threw him away when it didn't feel good anymore." She said tearfully.

"So then why are you with him again? Pity? Remorse?"

"No. I broke up with him because I was angry with myself. I hated what I'd become. I hated what I did to him. I was lost and scared and sad. I thought, just like you did, that maybe it was him that was bringing me down. But it wasn't. It was me. If anything he was trying to keep me afloat. Breaking up with him solved nothing except making me miss him. I don't know how or when it happened, but I fell in love with him. I didn't want to. I fought it with every fiber of my being."

"Why'd you stop fighting? Cause that was a good plan." He told her with a small smile.

"No it wasn't. It was a sucky plan, just like all the other ones I had recently. I was tired of fighting. I just wanna live my life. I'm not trying to set any examples here. I just want to be happy. And even if you don't understand it, he makes me happy."

Xander looked at her for a moment. He didn't know what to say anymore. It was clear she wasn't crazy, despite his protests to the contrary. She was actually very calm and level headed about the whole thing. He still hated it. He suspected he always might. But he loved her. He wanted for her what she wanted for herself. He'd just been trying to ignore what it was she really wanted. He wanted to save her. But she didn't need him for that. She never had.

"Buffy, I…I want you to do whatever makes you happy. If this is it? Then I guess I just have to deal with that. But don't sell yourself short either. You may think that just because you don't actively seek out apocalypses to stop them, that you aren't a hero. You're so wrong. That is a hero. You do good without even thinking about it. That's what makes you so special. Don't ever think that you're not. You'll always be my hero. But that doesn't mean you have to live up to something or be perfect. You're already perfect in your own special Buffy way. Even if you have terrible taste in men." He told her sincerely.

She was touched at his sincere words. And she had to laugh at his closing remarks. He'd never let that slide. But it was alright. Buffy knew they'd be able survive this.

"Well, you've had some questionable tastes yourself." She pointed out with a laugh.

"Right, the Inca mummy girl, the Praying Mantis lady, Anya the ex-demon…"

"Actually I was talking about Cordelia. I still don't know what you were thinking there." She said with a grin.

He laughed and pulled her over for a hug. She embraced him tightly.

"So you're gonna be okay with this?" She asked him.

"I'll deal."

"Will you at least try and be nice to him?" Buffy asked, as she pulled out of their hug.

"I'll try."

"Well try hard. I don't want to have to separate you two all the time." She said seriously.

"Alright. I'll play nice. Just be careful."

"I don't have to. I'm okay." She said with a smile.

"Well, I guess I'm just going to have to trust you." He told her.

"I guess so."

A few hours had passed now, and everyone was getting ready to leave soon. Tara and Willow had worked out the spell and got the ingredients together. Willow was glad to be a part of the magic, even if she wasn't performing the spell. She felt like she had control of herself now. And Tara had trusted her enough to allow her to help. It was a good feeling. She still wasn't going to do magic, but it was enough to be back in the thick of things again. She had missed feeling important like this. She hoped one day she'd feel strong enough to use her powers again. This time responsibly and only in cases like this when it was necessary.

Spike and Buffy sat at a table together, going over strategies. They were hoping once the vampires couldn't gain access to the club, some of them might freak out and run away. The ones who were left, they'd be able to take out. Spike reached over the table and took Buffy's hands and held them.

"So, you never told me what Xander said to you." He said to her softly.

"He's alright."

"Really? He still hasn't come near me. Are you sure he's not plotting my dusty demise as we speak?" Spike asked with a small grin.

"I'm pretty sure. He's not ready to throw a party for us or anything. But he's okay. He's probably just staying away from you because I told him he can't be mean anymore. He probably hasn't figured out how to do that yet." She smiled at him.

"Yeah, it took you awhile to figure that one out too."

She just smiled and looked away from him.

"This is gonna turn out okay, right?" Buffy questioned him softly.

"The Bronze thing? Yeah. We'll handle it. Just like we always do." He assured her.

"No, I meant us. This. All of us together." She clarified herself.

"Yeah. It will."

"This is really what you want? I mean, you're happy being a part of this whole 'mission of goodness' thing?" She asked quietly.

He looked at her seriously and nodded his head.

"Yeah. I mean, I hated this at first. I hated that I even wanted to associate with any of you. And after you dumped me? Tara told me that I should find myself again. I should do what came naturally. So I tried. I thought I could be the Big Bad again. That's what I thought I was supposed to be. But when I tried to be bad…well, I failed." He explained quietly.

"You failed? What did you do?" She asked uncomfortably.

"I tried to feed again. But I couldn't do it."

"What? Your chip? Did you get it out?" She asked in a hushed whisper. She was surprised and upset that he didn't tell her.

"No. It's still there. But it doesn't matter anymore. I thought I could have someone else do the killing for me, then I could at least feel like I was a vampire again. I wanted to be as evil as I possibly could, just to prove to myself that I knew who I was. And I did. I figured it out."

"Figured what out?"

"I figured out that _this _is what comes naturally to me now. Even though you weren't around, I still fought alongside you. When I found someone to help me feed, I ended up dusting him and saving two women from being eaten. One of them was supposed to be my dinner, Buffy. And it sickened me. I had to let them go." He told her, still not entirely comfortable with his new outlook on life.

"It sickened you?" She asked completely surprised.

"It did. I saw their fear and their disgust. And it was for me. They looked at me like I was a monster. And I had to remember that they saw me that way, because that's what I am. But that's not what I feel inside. Not anymore. You said that you have a beast inside you. You said that you may not look like a primal, scary creature, but that's what you are on the inside. Me? Well, I do look like that primal, scary creature. But on the inside? I'm a man." He told her seriously.

She just stared at him shocked and heartened by his words. It was further proof of how similar they were. They were coming from opposite ends of the spectrum, but they were meeting in the middle. He had started out in the darkness, and she had come from the light. Where they met, it was shadowed. Not so bright as to be blinding to the world around them. And not so dark that you felt like you were drowning and lost. It was light enough to find your way, but dark enough that you could still fall off the path if you weren't careful. That's why they needed each other.

She was finally at peace with her thoughts and she leaned over the table and kissed him softly.

"I really love you, you know that?" She said to him with a smile.

"It took you long enough." He said with a smirk.

She just smiled and shook her head. She sank back into her chair. For once, everything felt right. It had taken her a long time, but all was right with her world now. It was a good feeling.

They had all gotten to club, just after midnight. Things appeared completely normal inside. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing. Completely oblivious to the danger that was lurking just hours away. They found some tables and positioned themselves around. They were watching the doors and the dance floor for signs of anyone out of place. They had all been doing this long enough now that spotting a vampire was easier than it looked.

But Buffy and Spike had the upper hand. They could sense vampires around them. And so far everyone in the club appeared to be human. Now all they had to do was wait. Buffy got up from the table and Spike followed her lead.

"We're gonna head out back, see if anyone is already milling outside. If this is really going down, I expect some of them will get antsy and arrive early." Buffy told everyone.

She and Spike headed out the back door and looked around. It seemed pretty quiet. She turned to him.

"Are you sure this was reliable information?" She asked him.

"Yeah. I heard it with my own ears. They said tonight. They said closing time would have a whole new meaning when they were finished." He told her.

"That's a really bad pun. These guys sound like idiots." She said shaking her head.

"Well, I told you they were stupid. At least that works in our favor."

"How is it that you manage to get all this information and yet no one ever suspects that you're working both sides? Don't these people know who you are? Every nasty in town seems to know you're with me. Can't they put two and two together?" She asked him curiously.

"Well, as I said, they're not too bright. And the ones that figure it out? Well, they don't seem able to tattle on me, what with them being dead and all." He pointed out.

"So you just kill anyone that figures out you're a mole?"

"Yeah. Plus it makes me look tougher and scarier. The other demons see me take someone out, and they figure they don't wanna mess with me. I make excuses like, 'Oh, he owed me money', or 'I just didn't like the way he smelled'. They're scared of me. They think I'm crazy."

"Well, you are." She joked. "But don't they look down on you for killing other demons?"

"Well, not if it's justified."

"And 'He smelled funny' is justifiable?" She asked with a grin.

"It seems to be." He said with a smirk.

Just then, they saw a group of around five vampires rounding the corner and entering the alley.

"Looks like the guests are starting to arrive." Spike pointed out.

"Okay, time to deploy the troops." Buffy said, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a walkie talkie. "Xander? It's time. Get everyone where they need to be." She spoke into the device.

"Copy, Buffy. I'm sending Tara up to the roof. Willow's going out the front. I'll meet you guys out back." Xander's voice came over the intercom.

"You know, Harris actually had a decent idea with these little gadgets." Spike pointed out.

"Yeah, he had them left over from a few years ago. I was gone, and the gang sort of formed their own little slaying club. Complete with code names and walkie talkies."

"Code names? What was Xander's? Bloody Poof?" Spike joked.

She smacked him on the arm.

"It was Nighthawk."

Spike started chuckling.

"Oh, that's even better." He laughed.

"Pay attention. We've got work to do. They're heading this way." She said, snapping him back to the task at hand.

Buffy shoved the walkie talkie back into her pocket and took out two stakes. Spike did the same. The vampires had seen them standing there, but they had incorrectly assumed them to be ordinary humans. A pre-show snack. They were caught off guard when Buffy and Spike charged at them with fists flying.

Just then, Xander rushed out the back door with his own stakes. He leaped into the fray alongside them.

"I'm on the roof." Tara's voice came through the intercom.

No one had the opportunity to press the button to talk back to her. They were all too busy fighting. So, Buffy looked up at the building.

"Do it now, Tara!" She shouted loudly, hoping that she would hear her.

"O-okay. I-I mean, copy." Tara said awkwardly into the device.

"There are at least ten more coming this way! I need help!" Willow's voice bellowed from everyone's pockets.

Buffy looked at Spike, just as she managed to dust two of the vamps at the same time.

"You and Xander finish up here. I'm going around front." She told him.

Spike merely nodded, as he landed a punch to one of his adversaries.

Buffy started to run. She reached into her pocket and pressed the button.

"I'm on my way Willow."

She rounded the corner and saw Willow struggling with two vampires that had managed to grab her arms. Willow was afraid, but she resisted the urge to magically save herself. But if Buffy hadn't of appeared when she did, Willow may have done it. Buffy ran up and plunged her stakes into both of their backs before they had a chance to react.

Willow didn't have time to thank her, when three more vampires launched themselves in their direction. Willow managed to position her stake in a way that when the vampire tackled her, he fell directly onto the sharp point. He exploded around her and she scrambled to her feet.

Around the back, Xander and Spike were joined with more vampires. It appeared that the back entrance to the club was the preferred entrance. They were faced with at least ten more.

"Looks like the party is a little bigger than I thought." Spike muttered to Xander.

Xander grabbed his walkie talkie.

"Tara? Is the barrier up? I don't think we can keep them out. There's too many of them."

Tara didn't respond right away. She was too involved in what she needed to do. All at once, a blue flash of light lit up the night sky. It swirled around them and engulfed the outside of the building and disappeared.

"Um, it's up." Tara's small voice echoed from the intercom.

Willow and Buffy saw the barrier go up and Willow smiled.

"I knew she could do it." Willow said softly to herself.

Buffy was sidetracked by the light show, and didn't see the three vampires that had run past her and went for the door. They bounced off the barrier and landed at her feet. She smiled down at them.

"Look's like it's closing time. Thank you for your patronage." She told them, as she dusted two of them lightening quick.

The other one scrambled to his feet and took off running.

"How are you guys doing out there? We could use a little back up." Spike shouted into the intercom.

Buffy looked around and saw about four vampires hanging back, wondering what the hell had happened to their brilliant plans. Buffy knew they couldn't get in, so she grabbed Willow's hand and they both took off running for the back alleyway.

They rounded the corner just in time to see Xander get knocked to the ground by a severely obese vampire. He was like a brick wall. Spike saw it too, and shoved his attackers away. They went flying through the air and crashed against the barrier.

Buffy and Spike both leapt through the air and tackled the huge vampire to the ground before he had a chance to do any damage to Xander. They both struggled to keep him down, but he was so large that Buffy ended up being tossed away from him. She smashed into the barrier and as she bounced off she headed straight for another vampire trying to gain entrance. She held out her stake and used her forward momentum to plunge it into his chest. She crashed to the ground amidst the cloud of dust that had filled the air.

Spike had managed to wrestle free from the big one, and noticed that he was after Xander again. Xander was trying to get to his feet after having the wind knocked out of him after the initial blow. The vampire grabbed his shirt and lifted him up in the air. Spike walked up behind him calmly. Xander saw Spike just standing there, doing nothing at first. All at once, Xander feared Spike was going to let him die for being so cruel to him. But that thought was interrupted when Spike jammed his stake into the vampires flabby back. He shrieked and exploded into dust.

Xander went crashing the ground as the hands that were holding him suspended in the air, disappeared. He looked up at Spike.

"You can thank me later." Spike smirked at him.

Xander just gave him a small half smile. A small, silent truce was called between the two of them. They weren't ready to be best of friends, and probably never would be. But there was an understanding there. One that had been absent before. Before Xander could say anything, Spike was gone. He had gone to help Buffy out.

They managed to dust two more of the vampires and stopped for a moment to look around. Everyone had either deserted the place or were dusted. Everyone got themselves together and brushed their clothes off.

"Looks like we solved that problem." Xander smiled broadly.

"Looks like. It was actually kind of fun." Buffy smiled.

"Well, don't go celebrating just yet. I'm gonna go check out the front again." Spike said as he walked away from them.

"Is it over? God! Someone tell me it's over. Get me out of here!" Anya shouted frantically into the radio.

Xander fished his walkie talkie out of his pocket.

"Hun, it's alright. I think it's over." He told her.

"Oh, thank God you're not dead Xander. Now get me out of here!" She told him.

"Relax, we're just making sure it's secure. How are the other people?"

"Screw them. I want out of here. Why did I agree to be locked in here? You guys know I'm claustrophobic. Remember when we couldn't leave Buffy's house? This is worse. I don't even know any of these people." Anya rambled hysterically.

"Calm down. Is everyone panicking like you?" Xander asked her.

"No. I don't even think they realize they're locked in here like a rodent in a cage."

"Okay. Give us five more minutes. Just pretend you're in there having fun, like we always do. The barrier will be down in a minute." Xander reassured her.

Spike walked around the corner.

"I don't see any stragglers. It's all clear." He told them.

"Tara? Nice work. You can take the barrier down." Xander spoke into the radio.

"Okay. Um, give me a minute." She responded.

They all stood around and waited. Nothing appeared to be happening. Finally the blue light engulfed the place again and dissipated in a flash.

"It's down." Tara told them.

"We saw. Thanks. You can head back down." Xander told her.

At that moment, Anya came rushing out the back entrance. She took several deep breaths of fresh air and looked at them.

"That was awful." She said shaking her head.

"An, all you did was stand inside the same nightclub we go to all the time. You didn't even see any vampires." Xander pointed.

"Well, it was still scary. Besides they just announced last call. Soon everyone was going to make a mad dash for the door and I would have been trampled. Probably to death." She said dramatically.

"Well, it all worked out fine. No vampire buffet, and everyone is unhurt, so I say we did good." Buffy smiled.

Tara walked out of the club now and joined the others. Willow went over and hugged her tightly.

"You did great, Baby." Willow smiled at her.

"I couldn't have done it without your help. I'm proud of you Willow. You kept your head, even though we both know you could have done this a lot easier than I did." Tara told her.

"I think you had things under control, even without me." Willow said sincerely.

Tara just kissed her cheek and they intertwined their hands as they walked over to where everyone else was standing.

"I-I think we're gonna go. Unless you still need us?" Tara asked everyone.

"No, we're good. I think we're gonna head out too." Xander said, putting his arm around Anya.

"Thanks for your help. It was nice to have the gang back together again." Buffy told everyone.

"We're always here when you need us, Buff. Nothing will change that." Xander said, looking over at Spike.

"Thanks." Buffy said softly.

"Okay, we're gone." Xander said with a grin as he and Anya took off out of the alley.

Willow walked over to Buffy and gave her a big hug.

"I'm really glad to see you so happy. It's good to have the old Buffy back." Willow told her warmly.

"Thanks Will. But I like to think of it as the new improved Buffy."

"Well, whoever she is. I like her." Willow told her.

"I'll see you guys later, okay?" Buffy told her.

"Goodnight." Willow said as she went and joined Tara.

Tara waved at Buffy and Spike. And they both smiled at her. She had been a friend to both of them through the most trying times they had faced. But she had hung back tonight. Quietly, watching Buffy make her own decisions. That had always been her way. She stated the obvious, and let you form your own opinion from that. She was quiet, yet very strong. Buffy appreciated her more than she could ever express. But Tara didn't need thanks from anyone. The looks on Buffy and Spike's faces, said it all.

Tara smiled at them one last time and her and Willow disappeared around the corner. Spike turned to Buffy.

"Looks like it's just you and me, Love." He told her.

"Yeah. Looks like."

"You wanna head home?"

"Yeah. It's late. I think we've had enough action for one night." She said with a smile.

He put his arm around her and they started walking slowly towards her apartment.

"That was a pretty good plan, you know?" She told him seriously.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I'm amazed that something you dreamt up actually worked." She said sarcastically.

"Hey. I thought you said you liked my stupid plans?" He asked her.

"Well, I liked tonight's plan. But some of your other plans have been less than good. I was just trying to be nice."

"I have had some very good plans in my time. It's just, they usually fail in the execution. That's not my fault. I blame it on the morons I had helping me." He pointed out.

"Ah, I see. So in fact, your plan only worked tonight cause me and my friends kick ass." She grinned.

"Right, I couldn't have done it without you." He said mockingly.

"And don't you forget it."

They made their way up the sidewalk and to her front door. She unlocked it and they went inside. Buffy flipped on the living room light, and lay down on the couch.

"My feet are tired. Remind me not to wear those shoes again. They suck." She said, pulling off the pair of black boots she was wearing.

He sat down at the end of the couch and put her feet in his lap.

"Are those boots new?" He asked her.

"Yeah. I got them today when I was shopping instead of telling my friends about us." She admitted with a sheepish smile.

"Ah, yes. You did chicken out on that one. But you made up for it later. But maybe these boots were trying to punish you for stalling." He teased her.

He began rubbing her feet, trying to soothe away her aches. She closed her eyes and smiled.

"This is nice. Do I get a complimentary foot rub every night? Is that part of the Spike boyfriend package?" She asked him.

"It could be, if you want it to be." He said rubbing his hands a little further up her legs, till he reached her calves.

"Yeah, I think I like this. What else do you do?"

"Well, I am handy in other areas of the body. Not just feet." He said suggestively, working his way up to her thighs.

"Is that included in the upgrade package?"

"No, it's a standard feature. I can show you my upgrade features later." He smirked at her.

She just smiled at him.

"I'm gonna go to bed." She said getting up from the couch.

He watched her get up and was stunned that she was leaving him. He wasn't sure what to say or do next. He figured she must be really tired. She walked over towards the hallway and looked at him.

"Are you coming or not?" She asked him.

He smiled and stood up.

"I wasn't sure I was invited."

"What did you think? I was just gonna go to sleep without checking out your upgrade 'package'?" She asked with her eyes traveling to the area just below his waist.

He walked over to her with a seductive look in his eyes. He pulled her to him.

"I'll even let you take it for a test drive." He said suggestively.

"Oh god." She rolled her eyes and he kissed her passionately.

They broke away and she led him down the short hallway into her room. He had never even been in there before he realized. Since she had moved here, the closest he had gotten to her room was the bathroom. And that was the first night she had moved in. It wasn't lost on him how important it was that she was letting him in her room. She was allowing him to spend the night with her, in her bed. It was something he had never done. Not even when they were together before. It was a huge gesture. And he wasn't sure if she knew it or not.

Her room looked almost the same as it had before at her old house. It was smaller but it still had her stamp on it. He smiled and pulled her close to him. She wrapped her arms around him and looked into his eyes.

"I think that I could get used to this." She murmured to him.

"Used to what?"

"You being here." She whispered.

"That's good. Cause I'll be here a lot. You have cable, right?" He joked.

She laughed.

"Yes. And that's not what I meant. I meant here." She said, placing his hand over her heart. "I can get used to you being here." She said softly.

He kissed her again and they fell back onto the bed together. It wasn't long before their clothes were discarded all over the room. He was lying on top of her, kissing her neck softly. His hand moved between her thighs and began caressing her. She moaned softly and squeezed her eyes shut tightly. His kisses descended down her body, stopping to lick over her nipples that were stiff with passion at his touch.

He sucked them softly, letting his teeth drag over the sensitive tips. She cried out softly. He then trailed his tongue down her stomach, until he reached the point between her legs. She felt his mouth engulf her already throbbing flesh. She gasped when she felt his tongue press inside of her. He was desperate to taste her. To consume her with his love and desire.

He felt her begin to shudder and her legs tightened around his head. He heard her cry out with pleasure. Finally she relaxed her grip and melted into a puddle of bliss. He scooted back up her body and kissed her hungrily. Her tongue traced the outline of his lips.

"You taste so sweet…Can you taste it?" He asked her huskily.

"It's all for you." She whispered back.

"All mine…" He whispered softly, as he kissed her again.

He then felt her warm hands slide down his stomach and grip him tightly. An involuntary shudder escaped him. He groaned loudly as he felt her hands guide him into her body. He wasn't sure he'd ever get over that sensation. She was hot and slick and soft. Being inside her was like being on fire. It made him fully realize that she was truly alive and he was not. But by being inside her, she was giving him life. She was giving him her life.

He lay his body down on top of hers and moved slowly within her. He wanted to feel every inch of her beneath him. She locked her legs around his waist, and pushed him deeper. They both cried out. Every movement he made, sent her spiraling a little closer to edge. She began gasping for air and clutching at his back. His mouth was at her neck and he was sucking at her soft skin. He felt his orgasm building and he thrust into her deeper and harder. He felt her body quaking beneath him, and her muscles tightened around his shaft.

She was gripping his shoulders so tightly, that he felt her nails digging into his flesh. He felt his release overtake him and he buried his face into her neck. She cried out and he felt her begin to shudder again. Finally they both lay exhausted, panting for air.

He rolled off of her and stared at the ceiling. She scooted over to him and lay her head on his chest. She sighed contentedly. He draped his arm across her shoulders, in effort to keep her as close to him as possible. Neither one of them wanted to let each other go. Not again. It had taken them so long to get to this point. They had both made mistakes. And they had both learned a lot of important lessons. The most important lesson of all was learning how to love.

They'd both been selfish before. He only wanted her with him at all costs. She had used him as a crutch and means to escape. They had no clue what a relationship really was. It was give and take and pain and happiness. It wasn't about ownership or domination. It was about trust and understanding. Somehow in the mess they had created before, they managed to find something left in the rubble. Something better. Something real. And something worth fighting for and keeping.

Three months had gone by now, and everything had settled down. Buffy's friends were all used to Spike being in her life. Even Xander had managed to set aside his concerns. Spike and him would never be best friends. But Buffy had caught them both laughing together a few times when they thought no one was looking. It had made her smile, but she had said nothing. She wasn't even sure they were aware of how important it was that they were getting along. She didn't want to point it out. But Buffy knew that Xander had even asked Spike to be in his wedding next month. Xander claimed he did it for Buffy, but she knew better than that.

Willow and Tara were still together and even more in love than ever before. Buffy was so glad that they had worked out their problems and found each other again. Buffy wanted everyone to have what she had now. With Tara's support, Willow had ventured into the world of magic again. She had started small, and with the intention of using it only when necessary. Things were working out well. Willow had gotten over the fear that if she started, she wouldn't be able to stop. She had learned discipline from Tara. They meditated together twice a day, in effort to keep Willow focused and calm. Buffy was so proud of her for overcoming her problems. And she was in awe of Tara for, yet again, being the glue that held everyone's pieces together.

Spike had moved into the apartment with Buffy and Dawn. It hadn't really been a planned decision. But one night when they were laying in bed, Buffy realized he hadn't been back to his place in almost three weeks. She remembered their conversation.

Spike had been nearly asleep and Buffy was curled up next to him. Suddenly the thought struck her.

"Do you realize you haven't been back to your crypt in three weeks?" She had asked him.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." He told her sleepily.

"Are we living together?" She had wondered.

"Do you want to live together?"

"I don't know." She had said with a shrug.

"Let's talk about it in the morning." He mumbled as he rolled over and tried to get back to sleep.

They had never talked about it again. It had just become a fact. One evening they went and cleared out all of his personal things. He didn't have much. Just some CD's and some books. His clothes had already ended up at her place before. He had offered the crypt to his friend Clem, who had jumped at the chance to move in. Especially because it was fully furnished complete with a television. And Spike knew that if they ever needed someplace safe to go to, Clem would let them use it.

Right now, Buffy stood in her kitchen trying to put together a decent dinner. She had gotten home from work early and had promised Dawn that she'd do something other than pick up the phone and order pizza. She was chopping up some carrots for a salad when she heard arguing coming from the other room.

"That is so not fair, Spike. Give it back!" Dawn said loudly.

"Tough. You weren't even watching it." Spike shot back.

"I just got up for a minute." She said putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him.

"Yeah. And now I'm watching something else." He told her.

"God! You are the most annoying person I've ever met!" Dawn said with a groan.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Especially from your sister." He smirked.

Buffy peeked her head around the corner.

"What are you two bickering about?" She asked with a sigh.

"He started it." "She started it." They both said at the same time.

"Oh god…I swear I live with a bunch of two year olds." Buffy muttered as she shook her head.

"I was watching Friends and Spike changed the channel. Now he won't give me the remote back." Dawn explained.

"She wasn't even in the room when I sat down." Spike said, giving Buffy a pleading look.

"Dawn, you've got a TV in your room. Just go watch your show in there." Buffy said, exasperated with the silliness of their argument.

"I don't like that one. It's too small." Dawn complained.

"Fine. Then Spike will go in your room and watch whatever he wants." Buffy said rationally.

"No! I don't want him in my room." Dawn said shaking her head.

"Why not?" Buffy asked.

"Because, he messes with my stuff." Dawn said, raising her eyebrow at Spike.

He started to laugh.

"It's really not funny." Dawn said giving him a cold look.

"What did you do to her stuff?" Buffy asked Spike accusingly.

"Nothing. She's lying." Spike laughed.

"The last time he was in my room he arranged my stuffed animals in…interesting positions." Dawn said uncomfortably.

"What? You did _what_ to my baby sisters stuffed animals?" Buffy asked, trying to be upset and not laugh.

"It was a joke. I thought she'd laugh." Spike said with a shrug.

"Yeah, well it wasn't funny. I came home with Janice, and we walked in my room and my teddy bears were doing unmentionable things to each other. Now Janice thinks I'm some kind of sick perv." Dawn said huffily.

Buffy couldn't contain her laughter.

"Oh my god…Spike you are so mean." Buffy scolded him through her giggles.

"I didn't know she was bringing one of her mates over. But it was actually funnier that way." Spike said thoughtfully.

Dawn watched Buffy and Spike laughing at her expense and she shook her head.

"I hate you both. You guys suck." Dawn said jokingly.

Spike stopped laughing and looked at her.

"You should talk. As I recall, you got me back pretty good." Spike pointed out with a smirk.

Dawn started smiling.

"Yeah. I did." She said remembering her prank fondly.

"What did you do? Or do I even wanna know?" Buffy groaned.

"Well, after he humiliated me beyond belief in front of Janice, he had it coming. After you left for work last Saturday, I snuck into your room. Spike was still asleep. I stole all his clothes and threw them outside." Dawn said with a grin.

"Yeah, outside. In the sun. Where I couldn't get them." Spike pointed out.

"It was so great! You shoulda seen him. He was so pissed. And the best part? He had to wear your pink robe with the little kittens on it, all day long." Dawn laughed hysterically.

Buffy had to sit down she was laughing so hard. She wiped her eyes and looked at them.

"Why did no one tell me this? I would have come home early if I'd of known Spike was in my fluffy pink kitten robe." Buffy laughed.

"It wasn't funny. People were checking out my clothes on the grass like it was a bloody yard sale." Spike said shaking his head.

"You were watching?" Buffy asked.

"Of course."

"Yeah, he stood on the balcony in the shade all afternoon, threatening to eat anyone who touched his stuff. And he looked real menacing in the kitten robe, I might add." Dawn told them.

"I looked like a bloody poof."

"Now I know why my bathrobe smelled like cigarettes." Buffy said rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, Spike. Next time you wanna wear Buffy's clothes, the least you could do is wash them afterwards." Dawn teased him.

"It was your week to do the clothes." Spike pointed out.

"You could have been nice though and done it yourself." Buffy said with a smile.

"I'm not nice, Love. You know that." He smirked at her. "And I don't know why you girls are ganging up on me. I was the wronged party."

"Poor Spike. It must be such torture for you living here with us." Buffy teased him.

He grabbed her arm and pulled her down onto his lap.

"You're just lucky I love you so much." He said with a grin, as he kissed her.

"Oh, yuck. Do you have to do that?" Dawn asked making a face.

They ignored her and kept kissing. Dawn then noticed that the remote control was now lying on the floor. She reached down and grabbed it. She flipped the channel and sat back in her chair. Spike noticed it and pulled away from Buffy.

"Hey." He said to Dawn.

She shrugged.

"You weren't watching it anyway. You were too busy violating my sister with your lips." She said calmly.

Buffy laughed and took Spike's hand.

"Come on. Help me make dinner."

He got up and followed her into the kitchen, leaving Dawn alone to her small victory. Buffy went back to chopping vegetables for her salad.

"What do you want me to do?" Spike asked.

"You can peel the potatoes." She said pointing over at the sink, where the potatoes were.

He kissed her and went over to start on his task. Buffy glanced over at him and smiled. This was her life now. It was so ordinary and extraordinary at the same time. She never would have imagined that she would end up here. This was her family now. She certainly never thought she'd find this kind of existence with Spike of all people.

In fact, a few years ago, she couldn't possibly have dreamed any of this for herself. Living in a small apartment with her sister and Spike. Of course, a few years ago she and Spike were still trying to kill each other, and Dawn didn't even exist. That fact made all of this even more surreal. It was hard for her to believe that a year ago she was dead. And she had been okay with that.

Now it really hit her how not okay she had been. She had died thinking she was finished, that there was nothing else in life she could do or want. But now she saw how wrong she really had been. If she hadn't of come back, none of this would have happened. The last year had been hell, pure and simple. But it had been hell because that was what she had made of it. Now she had found her way out of that, and back into Heaven. Though, she was still alive, she felt safe and warm and complete again. But she wasn't finished. And the most important part about that was, she didn't want to be.

THE END~

Feedback is appreciated!


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